Her Perfect Facade
by KW2009
Summary: Her life's always been an act; a perfect facade. When things take a drastic turn, can she cope? And what happens when everything comes back to haunt her? What happens when her life becomes everything she fears? Full summary inside. COMPLETE
1. Just The Beginning

Disclaimer: I do not own anything you recognise. Harry Potter and his fellow characters all belong to J.K.Rowling. I am making no money out of writing this, so don't bother with sueing me.

About: Hermione has been living a lie; a Perfect Façade of how she wished her life could be. But it's not. When a list of unexpected events leave her in the situation she ahs feared for five years, will she crack under the pressure? Who will save her? When life becomes what she has always feared, can she turn her life around, and be who she really is?

Ship: Draco/Hermione at end Slight Harry/Ginny.

Rating: PG-13 for rape, suicide, cutting and abuse. Some cussing throughout. This isn't a light story, it's extremely dark in some areas.

A/N - ("_Quotes from other people_" _'Hermione's thoughts'_ _'Hermione's conscience'_ "Dialogue") This applies to this chapter only.

* * *

Just the Beginning

Hermione Granger. Previously Prefect and currently the smartest girl in the school. Currently best friend to the famous Harry Potter and previously girlfriend to Krum. Who could be happier?

'Anyone' was Hermione's answer to this. That's how everybody knew her, and loved her. She was known as the good old Hermione Granger. She was also getting pretty too. Finally developing her own style that she, and a lot of men around her, could love. But everybody knows that it's what's inside that counts. But nobody knew her inside. Everything she did, everywhere she went she put on an act. That act. A perfect façade of how she wished her life could be. She was strong; no, she was weak. She was smart; yes, because she had nothing better to do than to read books. Either that or learn to face the truth. No. She wouldn't, she couldn't.

She got her strength from the people around her. She put on the act they expected from her and they helped her to forget. Especially her best friends Ron Weasley and Harry Potter. Hermione's intelligence gave her, her strength. Whatever strength she had that is. She was strong, even if she didn't believe it herself. She went through, got through, so much in the past 5 years. She even witnessed her best friends godfather dieing, and her best friend almost falling apart. She couldn't do the same; she wouldn't allow herself to crack. But her strength was thinning. She didn't think she could take any more of this. How much could one person take? "They'd Explode"

Before Hogwarts, Hermione was nothing. She went to school but had very little or no friends because she was so quiet, so different, so... out of it. It was so hard for her to concentrate. Her life at home took over her head, her mind, her conscience. Everything was her fault, she knew it. Her mother knew nothing and she was happier to keep it that way. Hiding her emotion made it fake, a dream, like facing up to it made it real and she didn't want it to be real. She'd rather it went. But you don't always get what you want.

Hermione's father. That was the source of her pain. He would beat her and torture her because she was such a 'freak'. Hermione's father was a tall man. You could call him chubby, though you wouldn't really describe him that way. He was weak, Hermione knew it. He wasn't strong like his colleagues and he wasn't handsome like them either. But he was still stronger than Hermione. Her father was very smart. Smart at what he did, but ridiculously dumb at everything else. He saw his daughter as a disgrace; he didn't even see her as his daughter because she was nothing like him. She wasn't smart like him and she didn't live up to him. She was afraid of him; she couldn't trust anyone but her own mother. She would talk to few people just in case they found out her dark secret. She watched, watched people, watched what they wore, and watched how others acted. But she wanted to be more like him, just so things would stop. So her pain would stop.

* * *

_"When they say you should change can you lift your head out and stay strong? Will you give up give in, when your hearts crying that its wrong. Will you love you for you, at the end of it all? In life, there's going to be times when you're feeling low, and in your mind insecurities tend to take control. We start to look outside our selves for acceptance and approval, we keep forgetting that the one thing that we should know is: Don't be scared to fly alone, find a path that is your own, love will open every door. It's in your hands; the world is yours, don't hold back and you will know, all the answers will unfold."_

* * *

That was when she got her acceptance letter. Summer 1991. Her father was shocked to here she was even more of a freak than he thought, but was happy to hear she'd be gone for so long every year. He bought Hermione books so she could study the craft early. So she would be top in all her classes and be who he wanted her to be. She did. She had no friends. What else was there to do? She sat up in her room reading and reading. She soon grew to love it. She started getting stronger the more she read, the more she knew what she was going to learn. The knowledge that she would be stronger than him.

But the pain didn't stop.

Hermione was in her room, reading Hogwarts, A History. She heard her father come home and yell to her. She got up briskly and ran down the stairs to find out what had happened, why he was yelling for her; he never yelled for her. Well, unless she was running from him. Her father was waiting for her at the bottom of the stairs; she saw the look on his face and started shaking. The fear in her grew tremendously as she got closer to his evil looking face. She knew what was coming, and she knew it was bad.

"Yes, Father" she said, her voice shaking with fear. He grabbed her collar in pinned her up to the wall, strangling her with his grip.

"Was this you?" shouted her father, holding up his coat that held a rather large rip in it.

"No" she replied, growing more apprehensive by the second. She knew he would give any excuse to hurt her, and this was his favourite coat.

"Really, then why are you looking so guilty?" he chuckled evilly, letting go of her so she fell back to the stairs and then pulling her by her hair and pushed her to the floor. She fell with a large yell, hitting her back against the corner of a large wooden, rather pointy desk. She was crying. Crying with fear, and pain.

"Father! It wasn't me!" She cried, now rubbing her back, though the force of her hand just made the pain worse.

"Are you saying it was me?" He kicked her in the stomach. "Your mother certainly didn't do it" He kicked her again. Could he not see the pain she was in? "Then again, she'd probably love a reason for me to beat you up". She couldn't believe what she was hearing! Was he getting some kind of pleasure out her pain? What did her mother really know? Did she know? Did she really like to hear that her 'loving' husband was abusing her daughter? No, she can't...

"Your bluffing, she doesn't know what you do to me, what you do to your own daughter!" She replied, crying in pain. But she immediately knew that what she had said was the wrong thing to say in this situation. But, to her, it didn't matter; it was coming anyway.

"DON'T YOU DARE YELL AT ME! DON'T YOU TELL ME WHAT I DO KNOW AND DON'T KNOW. I KNOW MORE THAN YOU WILL EVER KNOW!" he yelled in her face and slapped her hard. She screamed and he laughed. She looked back at him laughing, getting pleasure out of her pain. She was shocked, he'd never laughed before now. She gave him a look of disgust. He saw this. He picked her up by her hair and threw her onto the couch next to them.

Suddenly, there was a ding! at the door. Her father froze...

Hermione had never been so scared in her life, and it was all over a stupid rip in a coat that wasn't her fault. She'd bet anything it was him and he just used it as an excuse to abuse her again.

If her mother hadn't rang the doorbell she feared he might have raped her, given the chance. She wouldn't put it past him, anyway.

Hermione's mother, Mrs Granger, Jane, had been out with her lady friends from work. She, of course, rang the doorbell when she was home, causing Mr Granger to jump in fright. He yelled at Hermione to go upstairs and not tell her mother a thing. When she was safely upstairs, she heard him open the door and welcome her mother as if nothing had happened.

This made Hermione feel sick. She couldn't, just could not understand how he could treat her like this. Not only was she young, ten to be exact, but she was innocent, she'd never done anything to hurt him, she'd never been bad, or stepped out of line in anyway.

_'Yes you have' _

'When?'

_'Remember when he came home one day really angry and told you his friends' kids took the micky out of you and he was so embarrassed to have such a freak of a daughter?' _

'That doesn't give him a reason to hurt me!'

_'Why? Why shouldn't he have the perfect life and perfect job?' _

'Life isn't all about him you know!'

Hermione constantly found herself battling her conscience like this. She would tell herself it wasn't her fault, though a small part of her knew... thought she knew, that it was. She was used to blaming herself. Her father blamed her; her mother blamed her too sometimes. But that was for a reason. Her mother was loving and kind and it made her feel nauseous to know she couldn't see past her own daughters façade, see past her perfect, happy life. She couldn't believe her mother couldn't see behind the wall Hermione had built around her self, sculptured to fit herself flawlessly, so that not even her own mother suspected anything. It had gotten to a point that it was supposed to be there. She had grown up with it around her, so her mother thought that this was Hermione. How can you tell if someone is hiding something, when they always act in such a way?

No one ever saw her bruises, or her cuts. She spent so long in her bedroom and only came out for meals and school. Her mother may have been loving, but she never loved. She hadn't held Hermione for years. She had no friends. No one noticed when she cringed as someone hit into her at school. No one noticed how she kept her self protected, wearing jumpers on the warmest of days. She never wore a skirt and wore tracksuit trousers for PE when most other girls wore shorts, especially during summer. Her bruises faded easily. But she had pain deeper than that. Pain deep down inside that would never allow her to trust any grown man ever. She didn't even think she would trust anyone. Not even those of her own age.

The pain deep down inside herself showed on the outside. It was the night when her father had come home with the rip in his coat. She ran upstairs and shut her self in her room. She had never been so scared before, and it showed through. She sat on her floor by her bed crying. Just crying. But the pain wouldn't leave. She was starting to get angry because she knew that she didn't deserve what was happening to her and she was getting mad at her pain for being so imbedded into her, when it didn't belong in her. She sat there trying not to scream, digging her fingernails into her skin. This helped the pain, helped her scream silently. The pain on the outside was raw and covered the pain on the inside. She was still sat by her bed, her head and arms on her knees, pinching at her arms, digging her fingernails in. Crying. Crying hard. Harder than she had ever cried before. She remembered everything that had ever happened that night. This just made her anger heighten. She saw blood trickling down her arm. She couldn't care. This felt good. The pain on the outside made her forget what was on the inside. She didn't feel happy, but something had been lifted away. A great weight that was holding her in this place. Not having to remember those horrible things her father had done to her made her feel nice inside, and she felt grateful for the pain on the outside.

But she couldn't run from her memories. She could live the lie, but memories live on. She could keep herself behind her excellently sculptured wall of emotion, but that just trapped her pain. She had to let it go. She couldn't loose her memories. She couldn't forget. That's why they are there. They never leave us. "Memories are here for us to hold"

_"When your safe inside your room you tend to dream of a place where nothings harder than it seems. No one ever wants or bothers to explain of the heart ache life can bring and what it means. When there's no one else look inside yourself, like your oldest friend, just trust the voice within, then you'll find the strength that will guide your way, and you'll learn, to begin, to trust the voice within."_

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	2. Excuses

**Warning**: This chapter contains sexual references and may not be suitable for younger readers.

* * *

_…**Previous Chapter**…_

_But she couldn't run from her memories. She could live the lie, but memories live on. She could keep herself behind her excellently sculptured wall of emotion, but that just trapped her pain. She had to let it go. She couldn't loose her memories. She couldn't forget. That's why they are there. They never leave us. "Memories are here for us to hold"_

* * *

__Excuses

After that night, nothing much else happened. Her father ignored her as much as possible and Hermione stayed in her room whenever she could. It was summer so she never had to leave her house, or her room. For the first few days she didn't even leave her room for meals, in fear he would repeat his terrible acts. She said she wasn't hungry and she guessed her mother took it as loss of appetite for random reasons. She constantly cut herself, but realised she would have to stop if she wanted to keep up her lie. She started getting ready for Hogwarts. She was going to change her life totally. She would make great friends, she would succeed where she could and try her best at everything. She'd fit in.

This also gave her the excuse not to see her father. She'd somehow send letters to her mum or talk to her over the phone but she never had to see her dad. At Christmas she would have to come back, and Easter, but at least that was only two weeks or so. And at summer... well she'd think about that when it came, and she would be a witch by that time, so she could protect herself.

Hermione knew little about Hogwarts, or witches. She only knew about what she had read. She knew the basics of Hogwarts and had seen pictures, but she didn't know the teachers or what it would be like there. Did witches and wizards even use telephones? She knew that nothing electrical could be used inside Hogwarts... but maybe there was a telephone box outside. 'No, I doubt it.' If so there must be a post person… right?

Hermione read some more… she read all the time. She must be reading at least 10 hours a day. She re-read her acceptance letter at least thrice a day. 'You may bring a cat or… blah blah and an owl'… an owl? She re-read something she had read in Hogwarts, A History.

"For thousands of years witches and wizards have used Owls as their means of communication"… 'what do they do? Fly around delivering letters?'

'How ironic' thought Hermione as she read on. "Owls are used to send letters and packages from the sender to the recipient. An owl is well navigated by nature and knows where almost every house is…" 'Wow'.

It was the morning before she would be going to London to get onto the Hogwarts express. Hermione was getting ready; she was fully packed and was just scratching up on her knowledge of the Magical World. She had previously been to Diagon Alley to get all her schoolbooks and Hogwarts robes. She had met many Wizards, witches and Hogwarts students. It was such an amazing place. She had never been so excited to be going somewhere in her life. She knew the 7 years she would be at Hogwarts would be the best she'd ever have before she had even left.

She was in anticipation. She didn't know what to expect. She knew that students were split into houses. She hoped to be in Gryffindor, it seemed it suited her best. They were known to be brave, and after what Hermione had been through she felt she deserved that name. They were also known as loyal, and Hermione felt she was loyal, especially to her mother after not breaking her heart by telling her the truth. She also knew that first impressions counted for the most. She would make herself look good. She would look smart and look good. She would look her best. She _would_ fit in.

She woke up early in Saturday morning. Her mother and father took her to London where she bought her ticket and went through to platform 9 3/4. She kissed and hugged her mother then hesitantly hugged her father, as too not look too suspicious. He flinched but hugged her back lightly. She walked off to the train with her luggage and waved as she got on the train. She put her luggage in the luggage trunk and walked down the train until she saw some _friendly_ looking people. She walked in and smiled at the people looking back at her. Her heart started racing when they said nothing.

"Er… can I sit here?" she said with a slight fearful, hesitant tone.

"Ye-yeah" said a boy sat by the window. He was quite chubby and looked … dumb. He was holding a toad, which confused Hermione.

"My name is Hermione Granger," she said sitting down.

"I'm Neville, Neville Longbottom," said the chubby looking boy.

"Hi, I'm Seamus Finnegan. Its nice to meet you" said a small boy, in an Irish accent.

Hermione smiled "It's nice to meet you too!" she replied.

"And I'm Dean Thomas" said a coloured boy sat next to Neville. He looked mockingly at the other two and then said, "So, do you know much about Hogwarts?"

"Well not really, but I've read a lot about it..." trailed Hermione, wanting to share her knowledge of Hogwarts. By the time she had finished she had scared Neville, Dean and Seamus, but felt very good for finally getting it off her chest. She had explained basically everything she knew, including about the houses, the sorting and the subjects. It was the thought of Hogwarts and the sorting that shocked the boys.

"I'm just looking forward to seeing Harry Potter, you know he's coming to Hogwarts this year!!??" said Seamus. Seeing the face of Hermione he laughed and said, "you do know who he is right?"

"Yeah, he's the boy who defeated Lord... He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named... right? His scar is legendary!! I can't believe it!!" said Hermione. She couldn't be happier. Not only had she actually made friends, but she was about to meet the first Wizard-Celebrity she had read about!!

As she was contemplating how she was feeling, someone gave a loud yell and Hermione broke out of the trance she had been in. Neville was looking for something and Dean and Seamus were looking shocked.

"What!?" yelled Hermione

"Neville's toad just… jumped somewhere!" shouted Dean in a confused tone

"Oh my gosh! Where is he?" shouted Neville with a note of panic.

"It's OK we'll help you find him," said Hermione smiling. Neville smiled back.

"Thanks" he said.

So they searched for the toad. Hermione didn't find the toad but she did find Harry Potter. He was in a compartment with a boy named Ron Weasley. He had flaming red hair and a vacant expression that made Hermione laugh. Harry was also particularly noticeably looking. He had ruffled hair that didn't lay smooth, and a rather cute face. His scar shone brightly, even though it was 10 years old. She introduced herself, naturally, and they were very nice… though Ron seemed slightly… edgy.

Her Perfect Façade was in act…

Over the next 5 years, Hermione's life changed in many ways. Her father continued to beat her but she was stronger than him and she knew how to heal her wounds. Though they didn't heal fully, it was better than them being there for longer, a longer memory of him. Her best friends were Harry and Ron, she was the smartest girl in school and she had loads of friends. Their (RonHermioneHarry) relationship was strong, too strong sometimes. She cared too much for them and vice versa. Harry and Ron and Hermione were bestest friends and they were known well for it. The only time they had had a big fall out was in third year when Ron was mad at Hermione for her cat trying to attack his rat. This was a miserable time for Hermione. She cut herself, but only a few times when they pain hit her. She was alone again. But that didn't last. They all apologised and have been friends since. In fact the only people that really hated her were all the slytherins, Draco Malfoy in particular. He was a cocky git that hated her because she was Muggle-Born. He had white-blonde hair and a pointed face. He was taller than her now but that didn't mean he was stronger. Hermione knew more spells than him, she was smarter than him and he knew it. Sometimes she thought that maybe that was really why he hated her so much, because she was such a brain and he could never live up to what she was. 'Hermione, your head is going to explode in a minute' she thought to herself, trying to hide a grin.

It was the summer after the fifth year. She was glad that she finally had time to relax. It had been such an eventful year. Harry started to get dreams, which came true. He was lucky enough to save Mr Weasley, Ron's father from being killed by Voldermort. Unfortunately, Voldermort found out that he and Harry were connected in some magical way, and sent Harry a dream. A dream that ended up killing Sirius, Harry's godfather and only living loving relative. Along with that, Hermione, Ron, Ginny and Neville got seriously injured. Hermione nearly got killed by an 'unidentified' curse. She still hadn't found out what hit her. Ron nearly got strangled by a heard of brains after being hit with a curse that imitated a muggle feeling of being drunk. She hoped he was OK after the brains. Ginny broke her ankle, and Neville got kicked in the face and broke his nose. All in all it was a very eventful time in the Ministry. That was where it happened. The Ministry. 'Of all places'. The place that is protected by good magic, and Voldermort's Death Eaters managed to get in and trick Harry and his friends into coming. Hermione felt a pang of guilt… she wondered how Harry felt.

All for a stupid Prophecy that had smashed. She didn't know what it said but it must have been something important for Voldermort to want it so badly. She wondered if Harry had ever found out about what it had said. Maybe Dumbledore told him. 'No, Harry would have said something'.

All she knew was that, as far as Harry had told him, he couldn't leave the Dursley's this year. He was protected by his Aunt's blood and it wasn't safe for him to leave when Voldermort was at large. He was stronger than ever right now and he was getting stronger, Hermione knew it. She frequently sent owls to Harry and received them. She would go to the Burrow though. Ron planned to floo to her and they would go back to the burrow just after Harry's birthday. Harry would send them a list of what he needed and they would go to Diagon alley to get it all, and all of their stuff. She couldn't wait…

The day before Harry's sixteenth birthday, Hermione's father came home very drunk. She could tell he'd been out drinking. This was the time Hermione feared her father most. The time he had no control over his emotions, and only partially over his actions. Hermione and her mother were on the sofa watching a muggle television programme called Eastenders. He came in and stood in the parlour in their magnificent house. Both her mother and Hermione looked at him, the fear growing in Hermione. He looked mad; she could see it in his face.

"Are you ok, dear?" said her mother worriedly

"You!" he pointed at Hermione. Her mother looked at her and she looked back. She was scared and her mother was looking at her questioningly, like she had done something wrong.

"What?" replied Hermione, trying to sound innocent even though she was.

"You, I can't stand your cocky attitude, get over here now". Her mother leapt up as Hermione rose.

"What's wrong with you?" she said.

"Her, she's so cocky. She was a freak before Hogwarts and she still is. She thinks she so good" he did an imitation of a diva. "She doesn't know how lucky –"

"How dare you say that!" shouted her mother, while Hermione just stood there in shock. 'Cocky? Freak? He never sees me, what is he talking about?'

"You! Here! NOW!!" he shouted, pointing a wobbling finger at Hermione. Hermione went to move but her mother stopped her.

"Don't even think about it, you've done nothing wrong" she said, looking at Hermione. Hermione saw her father walking up to them; she looked at him in shock and her mother turned around to face a fist. He punched her hard on the cheek. She fell to the ground.

"This is all your fault. That would never have happened if you had never been born. You ruined everything". Hermione looked at her mother, she was out cold. She returned to her _father_ and looked at him, trying to read his expression, and his mind. He was going to do something, something bad. She knew it. He was mad, madder than ever. And he was drunk. She made to run away but he pushed her back. She landed with a hard thud on the floor.

"You ruined everything"

"_You_ ruined _me_!"

"You have no idea what you're talking about. You ruined your mother's and my relationship. We hid things, she knew."

"She knew what?"

"Everything! Why was she so defensive?"

"She loves me, she would be defensive" he looked at her with a look of disgust.

"No one loves you, you filthy Mudblood" Hermione froze. How did he know that word? Had he read her mail? How could he say that to her, her own father didn't love her? He knew as well as she did that her mother loved her. But then why hadn't she stopped him hurting her, if she knew?

"How dare you call me that!?! You have no idea what that means. How dare you" she shouted and went to get up. He kicked her hard in the side and she crawled up in pain.

"Get up" he shouted "NOW!" she rose. "Strip" 'WHAT!!!!!!' Her mind was blank.

"Excuse me?!" She replied in a tone of complete disbelief.

"You heard me, do it! NOW!"

"You can't be serious?" The same thing was going through her mind over and over… 'what's he going to do?'

He lunged forward and pushed her back. Keepng her hands pinned, and her legs as still as possible, what with her struggling, he pulled down her trousers and underwear. He laughed as he saw the look on her face. She was shocked, scared and humiliated all at once. He threw her down, and laid on top of her…

"Once upon a time, there was a girl. In her early years, she had to learn. How to grow up living in a war that she called home. Never know just where to turn for shelter from the storm. It hurt me to see the pain across my mothers face; every time my fathers fist would put her in her place.

* * *

_Bruises fade father, but the pain remains the same. I still remember how you kept me so afraid. The strength is my mother for all the love she gave. Every morning that I wake I look back at yesterday, and I'm OK. I often wonder why I've carried all this skit, when it's you who helped me put up all these walls I've built. _

_Can't go, I'm a broken child screaming please no more. Daddy don't you understand the damage you have done. For you it's just a memory, but for me it still lives on._

_It's not so easy to forget, all the marks you left along her leg. When I was thrown against those stairs. _

_Bruises fade father, but the pain remains the same."_

* * *

"Get off me!!!" shouted Hermione as her father leaned over her. She was now struggling against him and his sadistic touch, hitting him with silly girly slaps that had no effect. Her strokes made it difficult for him to control her, however. She lay on her back hitting him with all her might; she didn't know what else to do. Here she was, laying half-naked in her living room, her mother unconscious only a few paces away, and her father on top of her, pawing at her body.

She had to get out, get away from this! She hastily got up as he was unzipping his jeans. She ran out of the living room into the parlour where her clothes were, and picked them up running as fast as she could. She could hear his screams and his yells. He chased her through the kitchen and back into the living room.

Suddenly, with a hard thud, she landed on the floor, tripping over her mother's legs. She could have cursed her if the situation had allowed her to. She turned over so her back as on the floor and looked up the broad man towering over her, casting a dark shadow on her. He pinned her down once again.

After about a minute of her kicking and screaming, he shouted, "BITCH!"

Hermione stopped her struggling, and looked up at the man raping her with a look of revulsion and shock. She struggled to understand what was happening to her. She may be nearly 16 but she was still a virgin, and the person that was doing this to her was of all people, her own father!

Hermione lay there, frozen in shock as he pawed at her body, pinching her legs, stomach and breasts. She was used to this sort of pain, but this seemed 10 times worse than anything he had ever done to her. Suddenly she felt him force her legs open. Her mind was frozen, she couldn't think. Tears streaming down her face she yelled as he thrust inside her and continued violently. Her mind was numb but she could think, the pain of her breaking had bought her senses back, she knew what was happening. She screamed louder, as if hoping for someone to come and rescue her from the nightmare.

She waited, waited until he finished. 'How long can it take?' scrambled Hermione, the pain and shock taking over anything real.

Here was a 16-year-old girl with a bad past. Her mother was laying near her unconscious, her father raping her. All she wanted was it to be over.

Finally he pulled out of her and stood up, looking at her. She couldn't read his emotion. He walked off. She looked around for her clothes but couldn't see them. She picked up a blanket that lay near the hearth fireplace and rapped it around her as she crawled up into a protective ball on the floor. She sat there, all alone, rocking herself, crying silently, tears running down her face. She was bleeding, and she ached all over. Inside, she was screaming, screaming with shock, with pain, with overflowing memories she couldn't handle anymore. She couldn't take any more. No more shock.

Hermione woke up early the next morning. Her body ached and she cringed as she looked around. The room was empty. 'Where's mum? Where's he?' At the thought of her father she felt a jolt of emotion run through her that she couldn't identify. She was sick of 'shock' and 'pain'. They didn't seem real anymore. Anything that happened to her was unreal. At least, that's how she felt, or wanted to feel. She couldn't admit to this, but was afraid that if she didn't speak about it soon she would go crazy. Crazy with the shock and pain that was twisting into knots in her stomach and piercing at her heart.

* * *

_"I close my eyes, and make a wish for inner peace and tranquillity inside. A mind I feel is changing, breaking down the defences of my heart. _

* * *

I'm running away, running away from here. Though I make an escape, I'm running away from here. I'm running away, wont be predictable, miss reliable.

_I'm running away."_

She tried to get up but as she did she felt a pain sear through her chest. She figured her ribs were broken. However, she got up and struggled upstairs. She finally got into her room. She knew she couldn't cast any spells to take away her pain, it was against the Decree of Under Age Wizardry, but she couldn't stand it.

She took out her wand and muttered "Woundus Repairo". She watched and felt as her ribs fixed themselves slowly. Finally, the pain started to ease. She knew the spell only quickened the healing process, but how long did bruises take to heal? Hermione knew the answer… days. She found bruises took weeks to heal sometimes, and knew that these wounds wouldn't heal fast, even _with_ the help of a spell. Not only that, but she had done _illegal_ magic.

With a feeling of shock and panic, she remembered Ron would be around to pick her up in a couple of days. The wounds wouldn't heal by then.

Now able to, she stood up, though still painfully, and looked in the mirror. She was shocked at the reflection; only a couple of bruises - then she remembered that he hadn't really done anything to her face that could give her noticeable bruises - and also a small gash on her lip. This lightened her spirits, slightly, as she thought of an excuse she could tell Ron. Maybe she fell over whilst walking in the woods? No… Hermione was never one for 'leisure'. Maybe he would believe it anyway. 'Yes, I went walking in the woods and I tripped over… a… branch. Wow how so very original Hermione', trying her best to laugh at herself. Though, she didn't really find this very funny.

Hermione sat on her bead, her back close to the head board, close enough to feel secure but far enough as to not have to lean on it. Her mind reeled back to what happened the night before. 'How could he have done this to me, after everything I've been through, he just makes things worse'. Hermione closed her eyes, as to shut away the tears welling up in her eyes. Close off the emotions. Not let out the truth. It was no good; this wouldn't make her feel any better. Though, Hermione _had_ succeeded in her Perfect Façade for so long, she could hide this too. She wouldn't allow herself to break down over that scum some would call her father.

Trying her best to hold herself together, only made her think about what she was shutting away. The tears fell, and she gave in.

She remembered back to the night where she had been beaten over a coat. She remembered thinking that her father couldn't treat her any worse. She was wrong. She wasn't sure exactly how she got over that. 'The cuts' she thought. She turned to her bedside table and found _the_ knife. She picked it up and stared at it.

It was evil. It was sharp and hard and gave her pain. It gave her scars that reminded her of everything. It was her freedom, release. It helped her forget for the worst of it.

Hermione sat on her bed, staring at the knife, willing herself not to do it. She was weak, she had to, and it _was_ her only release.

She sliced…

* * *

_"I'm in over my head, you got under my skin, I got no strength at all in the state that I'm in, and my knees are weak and my mouth cant speak, fell to far this time. I'm too lost in you, caught in you, lost in everything about you so deep, I cant sleep, I cant think, I just think about the things you do, I'm to lost in you._

_Cause I'm slipping away like the sand to the tiles_

_I might loose my mind_

_I'm lost in you"_

* * *

Hermione found herself lying on her bed, with the knife held lightly in her hand when she woke only a few hours later. She had cried herself to sleep. She looked at her arm, which held several rather small gashes, and a couple deeper ones. She felt sick at the sight of this and what it represented. Thinking that no one was inside the house right now, she made her way downstairs to get herself a drink.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

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	3. An Unexpected Visitor

**Author's Note**: Ok this chapter is going to be a surprise to you all… hopefully

**Warning**: Contains language that may not be suitable for you.

**Rating**: PG-13 to R

* * *

An Unexpected Visitor

Hermione slowly made her way out of her room, and then stopped abruptly as she heard quiet, but angry voices downstairs. She walked down a few of the stairs and recognised her mother's voice, then her father's as he yelled back. They obviously didn't want her to hear what they were talking about. Her father was drinking, again, and her mother was saying he was a pig, an asshole and a wanker for what he did to her and Hermione last night. She'd never heard her mother speak like that. Not only that, but she knew. 'How? She was unconscious!' Her question immediately answered however.

"I wasn't unconscious after you hit me, I was scared. Too scared to move and too scared to yell. It didn't help that I was shocked to see my husband raping my daughter!" she yelled at him, blatantly forgetting that she was supposed to be being quiet.

"She's a freak and she deserves what she got" he replied with a cold, heartless tone. 'No surprise there' thought Hermione, slamming her eyes shut to shut away the tears.

"I don't know why I ever loved you. You are the most fowl creature I know. Get out, get out of my house now, go back to who you know as real family" she shouted, pointing to the door. He got up and walked towards her. She hastily got up and ran from the room but he caught her and pinned her to the wall, next to the fireplace, right next to the stairs, where Hermione could see everything. She was hiding behind a banister and was too high up the stair case for her mother too see her, but she was still feeling awkward for being here, and feeling bad she could do nothing because of the state she herself was in.

Her mother didn't seem to be scared any more, she wanted to stand up for herself, and was yelling to him saying that she was doing this for her and Hermione. What she saw next was enough to surprise even the most experienced person.

Suddenly, he pulled out a gun.

Hermione had no time to think, she leapt downstairs, ignoring the pain, and leapt on her father. She knew then that he had no intention of using it, it was just to scare her mother but at that point in time, it didn't matter.

..Suddenly there was a pop, and a tall, lean figure appeared in the kitchen. This was unknown to Hermione, her mother and father..

Her father finally pulled Hermione off of him after many slaps and punches in his, and her, direction. She fell to the floor and got up quickly. Hermione was stood facing her father. She was crying, he was crying and her mother was crying.

"This is all your fault" he said to her, and pulled up the gun. Before Hermione could think, her mother had jumped in front of her and her father had pulled the trigger. 'What!' she couldn't think. Her mind was screaming, but numb in shock and despair. Her mother was on the floor, and her father was stood in the same place opposite her.

His knees gave way and he fell to the floor, crying. He didn't mean to hit her, he loved her; it was Hermione he hated. He picked up the gun, and looked at Hermione.

Hermione was standing in the same place opposite her father. She couldn't think, she didn't understand. This wasn't right. This didn't happen to good people. She saw him fall to the floor, and pick up the gun. 'Wha… N…' She couldn't think, she was speechless. He then pulled the trigger.

The tall lean boy in the kitchen watched as Hermione's expression changed from a blank one too a speechless one. He walked out to see Mr Granger committing suicide. He ran to Hermione as he watched her fall. He caught her, but she cringed and elbowed him in the stomach forcing him to let go to gasp for breath.

Hermione fell to the floor. She couldn't think, her mind was numb. All she knew was that her mother was dead. She felt her knees give way as she fell to the floor and leant over her mother's body, crying hysterically. Unknown to her, the tall lean figure now knelt down behind her was pulling her jumper up.

* * *

_"I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all of my childish fears. If you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave, because your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone. These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just to real, there's just too much than time cannot erase, when you cried I'd wipe away all your tears and when you scream I'd fight away all of your fears. I've held your hand though all of these years but you still have all of me. You used to captivate me by your resonating light, but now I'm bound by the life you left behind. Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams your voice it chased away all the sanity in me. These wounds wont seem to heal, this pain is just too real, there's just too much that time cannot erase, when you cried id wipe away all of your tears and when you screamed id fight away all of your fears._

_These wounds wont seem to heal, this pain is just too real, there's just to much that time cannot erase."_

* * *

The tall lean figure knew why she had cringed, that was a movement of pain. He pulled up her jumper to see bruises covering her back, especially over her ribs. He looked at her arms, covered in small scratches he recognised as blade cuts. He didn't know what to do. All he could think about was to get help. She needed help and he sure as hell needed help at this point. He didn't even want to be here, and now he was helping Granger, the only girl he hated, and with a vengeance. However, now he was here, he felt something rip at his heart at the sight of his enemy. He swiftly flooed to Dumbledore.

When he got back, Hermione hadn't moved. She was now sat down though, and was cradling her mother's body in her arms, still crying hysterically into her mother's hair.

Dumbledore looked at those in front of him and knew immediately what had happened. "Draco, take her upstairs to her room and keep her company. Don't let her back down. She needs you right now." 'What? Why me?'

"What? Why me? She hates me why would she need me?"

"You found her, you saved her."

Draco looked at his headmaster with a pleading and disbelieving look. 'I haven't saved her' he kept looking but Dumbledore's expression didn't change.

"Fine!" He looked at the out-of-control Hermione cradling her mother's body. "I can't move her, I tried earlier but she elbowed me when I touched her. Professor, she's covered in bruises!"

"Take her Draco."

Draco sighed, but walked over to Hermione. How was he supposed to do this without getting bruised himself? 'All you care about is yourself!' He stood behind Hermione, not letting her know it was he who was there. She'd never trust him that way. He slowly rapped his arms around her, tight, to let her know she was safe, and lifted her up.

'What the? Ouch, get off me, mum!!!' she thought. Hermione was still speechless, but now she had two unknown arms around her, hugging at her bruises. She suddenly felt very dizzy and passed out from the pain.

Hermione had come too when she felt her self being laid gently on her bed. She opened her eyes to see none other than Draco Malfoy next to her dresser pulling out some her of favourite pyjamas. She couldn't help feel safe around him, for when he walked back he couldn't look her in the eyes. He had no idea she was awake. He didn't have that slimy, cocky git look on his face but he had this warm but sad and weakened look. She watched him as he took out her Pyjamas and set them on her bed. He also watched him as he took off her clothes, not looking at her breasts as he took her bra off and caressing her bruises lightly, which sent shivers running down her spine, but she tried not to move. She had to feel some respect for him. Right there and then all she could think about was him. He finished dressing her, when realisation set in. Why she was there. She sat up and looked at him.

He looked back at her with a look of guilt and shock. He didn't know how she was going to react to this. He looked at her as he saw tears falling down her face and his worst enemy falling apart right there and then. He was uncertain about what to do, but thought about what he would have wanted. Draco walked over to her and sat on the bed next to her. He took hold of her from behind and hugged her to tell her she was safe and everything was going to be ok.

He hugged into her tight not letting his grip falter. All she could think about was what happened, and totally ignored that fact that Draco Malfoy was hugging her trying to calm her. She turned around and cried into his black shirt, griping it tight as to let her anger out on his shirt.

"Why me!" she cried pulling his shirt back and hitting his chest. It didn't hurt physically but it hit him hard deep down inside him, somewhere he didn't know he had.

Draco sat there with Hermione in his hands. He tightened her grip on her and she stopped crying hysterically, thought she was still crying, a lot. He didn't understand why he was here, and doing this, but that was the way it was. He sat there rocking her, as her crying bought back memories and he felt his own eyes well up with tears. He tried to shut them, looking up at the ceiling and sniffing but it didn't work. He broke down.

Draco was hugging Hermione tight. Hermione was crying into his shirt, holding it tight as to tell him to not let her go. Draco had broken. He swore he wouldn't, and now he was doing it in front of the Mudblood. His thoughts whirled as he thought about the past and his current situation, but not once did he get up to walk away. He hugged her tighter, crying with his face in her hair. It smelt good. He heard a creak from the corridor and his head shot up protectively. In the doorway, stood Lupin, tears streaming down his face yet he didn't appear to be crying. He noticed Draco was looking at him. Their eyes made contact and Lupin smiled. There was an awkward silence then-

"Malfoy, why are you here?" 'That's a good question' thought Draco, his head turning to face the floor. A force hit him as he remembered exactly why. He shot his head back to Lupin. Draco looked fearful "What Malfoy, tell me, what is it?" but Lupin knew exactly why Draco was there. There couldn't be any other explanation. Though exactly why Draco Malfoy the Pureblood wanted to protect Hermione Granger the Muggle Born was still unexplained. Draco couldn't tell Lupin what was going on, he had now added guilt to his fearful expression. "It's the Death eaters, isn't it? They're after Hermione". Draco nodded.

"I came to warn her and… and to get her out of here somehow"

"How? She can't apparate yet!"

"I figured as much. I bought some floo powder with me. I didn't know where I was going to take her but I had to get her and her… her away from Granger Manor, and fast. They plan to attack tonight!" shot Draco. It wasn't a total lie.

Lupin looked back at him, "Shit!" he turned around, looked down the stairs and turned back "We need to get her out of here, come on, lets go!"

"Professor, she can hardly hold herself. How is she supposed to floo?" asked Draco.

"You hold onto her and floo yourself, she'll fly with you," said Lupin in I-thought-that-was-obvious tone.

"Oh" he felt his face redden but only slightly, he'd never had to travel with more than one person, especially someone who couldn't floo somewhere themselves! "Hermione? We need to get you out of here now." He looked at Lupin "She needs her school books and stuff."

"I'll get that, ill try find everything she needs, just go Malfoy."

Draco got up not letting go of Hermione, partly because she wouldn't allow him to. "Hermione, can you stand?" She looked at him, and stood. Draco smiled at her and walked with her to the door "See you soon sir. Wait! Where am I going to go?"

"I'm not sure, you can't go to Malfoy Manor, the Burrow isn't safe and I don't think she should go to…" he trailed off realising Draco didn't need to know about the Order "just ask Dumbledore". Draco nodded and smiled. He then half carried Hermione down the stairs.

"Professor, I have to –"

"I know, Draco, I heard the entire conversation. You will go to Hogwarts. You will floo to the Hospital Wing, she needs … repairing, and some sleep" said Dumbledore, almost as if he didn't want to explain.

"Right" said Draco. He lifted a bag out of his pocket and handed it to Dumbledore who took it. Draco took a scoop of it and walked into the fireplace. "Hospital Wing, Hogwarts!" They were soon covered in green flame, swirling through somewhere and then in less than 2 seconds they were at Hogwarts. Draco walked out of the fireplace, with Hermione in hand. Just then, her knees gave way again and she fell to the floor. An almost elderly woman came bustling up to them. "Professor, she needs healing and some sleep, says Dumbledore. I'm sure he will explain everything to you," said Draco, picking up Hermione, putting one of her arms over his shoulder. She nodded and directed Draco and the only-half-with-it Hermione to a bed.

"Oh, she's already in her Pyjamas, that's good. What exactly is wrong with her?"

Draco thought about this, shutting his eyes as to hide his pain. "Take a look at her for yourself, Professor, I don't want to say..."

She looked back at him giving a why-are-you-being-so-nice-yet-so-strange look, but he ignored it. She looked at Hermione and saw the cut on her lip and light bruise on her cheek. She gave a pleading look to Draco who returned a worried look. She pulled up her top and gasped. Apparently this bought Hermione to her senses, as she shot up and looked at her Professor as she pulled down her top.

"What do you think you are doing?" she shouted

"Hermione, I can help you." Replied Poppy.

Hermione glared at her, then turned to glare at Draco giving him an I-trusted-you look. "Hermione, I know this is hard, trust me, I know. But she's telling the truth, she can take away the pain, you know she can" said Draco wearily.

Hermione sighed, she was sick of the pain, that was true. "Fine". Reluctantly, Hermione let her Professor search her body. She examined her and took her temperature. She did lots of funny tests that confused Hermione. That kind of showed how confused Hermione was right now.

Suddenly, Poppy looked up from her current test and gasped. Hermione knew what it was about. She couldn't hold it back, she broke down, again, there and then. Draco gave his Professor a questioning look and sat next to Hermione holding her tightly again. Poppy finally found the words-

"Hermione, were you raped?" Hermione cried harder at the last three words, and nodded. Draco looked at the Professor in shock, and held Hermione closer to him sitting next to her on her bed.

"Hermione, you will need to take some potions". Hermione nodded, she had been expecting this; they were to stop her from becoming pregnant. She didn't even want to think about that possibility.

Professor gave Hermione the potions and then came over with the Dreamless Sleep potion Harry had used in forth year. "Take this, you need rest".

"Don't let anyone in here, please. Not Ron, Harry or any Weasley. I don't want anyone to see me like this. And I don't want anyone to know either, so please tell Dumbledore to tell no one, Professor." Said Hermione. Draco and Poppy nodded and Hermione drank the dreamless sleep potion. Before she knew it she was in a land of nod, sleeping peacefully, dream free, unlike Draco…

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	4. Unforeseen and Unfortunate

Unforeseen and Unfortunate

* * *

_"I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears and if you have to leave I wish that you would just leave. Because your presence still lingers here and it wont leave me alone. These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real, there's just so much that time cannot erase. When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears, when you screamed I'd fight away all of your fears, and I've held your hand through all of these years, but you still have all of me. You used to captivate me, by your resonating light, but now I'm bound by the life you left behind. Your face it haunts, my once pleasant dreams, your voice; it chased away all the sanity in me. These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real, there's just so much that time cannot erase. When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears, when you screamed I'd fight away all of your fears, and I've held your hand though all of these years, but you still have all of me. I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone, and though you're still with me, I've been alone all along."_

_"I've been alone all along."_

* * *

Hermione woke with a start as the door to her cell slammed shut. She looked around herself confused as several thoughts swirled around her mind. 'How…When…What…Where am I!' seemed to be the overpowering thought. She looked around and saw she was in a semi-large room, the sort of size of a bedroom. The walls bricked, not plastered, and there was no heating. Not that it mattered; just looking around the room gave her a chill. She slowly, unsurely, walked over to her door and looked out through the tiny opening. She saw more cells, tens of them. She knew this wasn't Azkaban, as she didn't feel depressed like she would have done because of the Dementors. She tried to remember back to the day before, but all she could think about was the death of her parents. The more she thought, she more the memories came back. Her knees gave way as she remembered everything.

Just as she started crying, someone unlocked her door and came in. It was so dark she couldn't see whom it was, but heard his cold voice mutter, "Petrificus Totalus". They walked over to her and she felt her stomach drop at the sight of the man who had just bound her. "Wingardium Leviosa" he continued and she was immediately sailing along behind him as he walked from her cell. He walked her into a room that was dark, with only subtle light illuminating certain parts of the room she couldn't see.

"Ah, well done, Draco. You may leave," said a different cold voice as Draco put Hermione down and walked out of the room. "Enervate," said that same cold voice. Hermione bolted upright and looked around. Words escaped her as she saw hundreds of death eaters, including Lucius Malfoy and Belatrix Lestrange.

"Lucius, your son will make an excellent Deatheater one day, I am proud." Hermione spun around at the voice and looked Voldermort in the eye. He smirked at the scared look on her face. "Good evening, Granger." He spat, "Now, you are here for a reason, _no doubt_. I don't have the time to play around; I'll get straight to the point. I am willing to give you two options, 1: You will join me; become a Deatheater, and my spy at Hogwarts. 2: You will be used as my Deatheaters play toy, I regret to inform you that killing cannot fully satisfy them," she looked around at them, and then stared at Lucius who smirked at her back. Realization set in, yet again. She turned to look back at Voldermort 'this has got to be some kind of sick joke' she thought, but Voldermort looked deadly serious. "Well, we haven't got all day, which do you choose?"

"I will never join you," she yelled without thinking twice.

"Very well. Lucius," he signalled towards Hermione and Malfoy came over, looking as though he had just killed his worst enemy, and dragged her back down to her cell.

Lucius dragged her down the steps, not caring what she hit or scrapped. Numerous times she hit the walls and at one point he turned the corner so sharply that she hit her ribs again. Her body wasn't fully healed from before, so the pain was even more wounding.

He stood her up at the last moment, but she couldn't stand so he just threw her in her cell. Unfortunately, he walked in after her.

"You made a bad decision, Granger. At least we will get to have a little bit of fun with you before you die." He spat at her.

"I'd rather die than join you!" She yelled back at him.

"Crucio!" he yelled at her. She felt the pain seer through her body as she doubled over in pain. "Things are going to be a lot worse than that, you filthy little Mudblood!"

She had to use all her energy to look up at him. She saw the evil in his eyes, the darkness that didn't reside in his son's. She gave him the most evil glare she could muster.

He smirked at her. "Oooo scary Granger. Crucio!" he yelled again, and Hermione felt the pain seer through her yet again before …

Hermione woke later the same morning. She was in the cell as she had been before. She tried to get up but screamed in pain as she tried. 'What the hell did they do to me?' she thought as she closed her eyes and tried to block out the thoughts as to not think about what they could have done with an unconscious muggle-born.

She tried again for a second time, being a bit more careful this time. She had to get out of here. She had to get out of this hellhole and go back to those who cared about her, no matter how much she didn't want to see them. She slowly was able to raise herself and walk over to the door. She tried to listen for any signs of life, but heard nothing. She felt around her robes for her wand, but remembered that it was probably still at her house.

Being stuck in this room brought back memories of how her father treated her. She remembered one time that she wanted to be free so badly that she willed the door to open. Thankful for memories like that, she tried to do the same.

'Alohomora, Alohomora, Alohomora, Alohomora, Alohomora, Alohomora, Alohomora, Alohomora' she muttered to herself whilst she was thinking about the door opening. After about a minute of saying the spell over and over, the door finally opened, and she let out a small gasp before taking off along the corridor as quietly as she could.

Hermione quietly made her way down the hall, past the other cells. She didn't dare look in them. Suddenly, she came to a door, which surprisingly, was unlocked. Before opening it she put her ear to the door, but heard nothing, and there were no rays of light coming from underneath so she opened it and walked into a small corridor with steps at the end. She gently, and painfully, ran up the stairs and put her ear to the door again. Nothing. She opened the door and was led into a huge study.

"Trying to escape?" said a man's voice to the left of her. She turned to look at him, but couldn't muster the strength to speak. It was Draco. He smirked at her "You can't escape. The entire manor is protected from trespassers, which also means you can only get out if you are allowed out."

"How could you do this to me?" she cried, her voice husky.

Draco looked completely bowled over by that question. "I'm a Malfoy" he shrugged.

"What happened to the Malfoy who saved me? I saw it in you, this isn't you!" she said, trying to distract him whilst trying to find a way out. She would have to do this muggle style against a fully armed and trained wizard. She had already spotted the fireplace, and the floo powder.

Draco merely rolled his eyes as she walked closer to him.

"Hermione, in all fairness, you have no idea who I am. Then again, nothing in this world is fair", he smirked 'that's true' she thought as he walked nearer to her. "Silencio!" he muttered, waving his wand around the room. As soon as he had his back turned, Hermione was looking for something, anything that she could use. Then it clicked. She picked up the lantern Draco was using for light and dropped it as near to him as she could get it. Her eyes weld up with tears at the pain, just from throwing a lantern. The lantern broke near enough to set Draco's robes on fire. He didn't quite realise until it was a bit too late, and unfortunately for him, his wand was on the desk.

She ran past him heading towards the fireplace, but he got hold. He gasped as he looked at her for the first time, and she felt the tears her eyes held, fall. He pushed her to the floor. She got up briskly and punched him as hard as her body let her. With all the energy she could acquire, crying, she ran to the fireplace and yelled, "Grimmauld Place!"

* * *

_"These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real, there's just so much that time cannot erase."_

* * *

"Grimmauld Place!" she yelled, the only place that she felt she could go. She felt the flames tickle the bare parts of her skin and then her body being dragged faster and faster through the whirlwind of fireplaces. Trying to fight the pain and urge to scream, and the feeling of becoming dizzy, she closed her eyes and waited till she appeared in Grimmauld Place.

Not such a good idea.

She stopped so suddenly, he legs gave way under the sudden weight of her, and she fell to the floor, weak, tears streaming down her face.

She didn't quite realise all the people staring at her in shock and disbelief. At least, not until someone came up behind her and tried to pick her up. The pain shot through her body and her reflexes shot her arms back at whoever was behind her. The sharp pain had stopped.

That was until someone else came up behind her, someone with a stronger grip. The pain shot through her once again but this time it did not subside. She yelled out just before everything went black.

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	5. Reliving

**Author's Note**: Sorry for such a major lack of updates. I do have reasons but nothing good enough as an excuse to make up for it. I think I may actually have this story planned now. After changing it SOOOOOO much I think I finally know what I am going to do with it.

**WARNING**: This chapter contains VULGAR LANGUAGE and just plain horrible references. Please tell me if you think I should up the rating to "R"; I still don't understand how American ratings work.

**Disclaimer**: Yeah… still not mine… nothing changed… I didn't suddenly get rich and buy the whole Harry Potter community and it's characters from there owner: J K ROWLING. Though the plot _is_ mine so… you have no permission to reprint it.

* * *

Reliving

Suddenly everything became light, and she began to become confused. Her mind was working fast, trying to come to conclusions, but she was finding it hard to remember anything.

The searing pain didn't help.

Trying to block it out, she figured she was at home still, after a particularly bad night. Remembering back to what had happened a couple nights before (((At least, what she thinks))) she understood why she was in so much pain. Suddenly, she felt a light touch on her hand and everything came flooding back to her. The beating, the rape, the murder, Draco…. Draco? How did I get … where the hell am I? Those Dungeons…Voldemort, wait….no. She sat bolt upright, which was a mistake in far too many ways. Two, which was still two too many. One: Someone was stood over her as she sat up, so she hit them on the head and immediately passed out again. Two: She had yet to recover from the pain of her torture so that sudden movement sent waves of excruciating pain through her body.

Feeling the pain slowly filtering back, she remembered exactly what happened straight away, and this time, refused to sit up. Or open her eyes. Or move a fraction to A: Give someone the impression she was awake and want to sympathize over her, and B: Make sure the pain didn't get any worse. It was hell enough without moving.

Apparently, however, she wasn't so discrete with trying to remain undetected as someone came over to her and started rambling on about something she couldn't quite make out, they then forced something down her throat, which she did honestly try her hardest to fight. It's just a bit hard when you wake up in her situation.

Feeling the sleep taking over her, she gave into it and fell into an uncomfortable, yet dreamless sleep.

Hermione woke up what seemed like hours later as it seemed much darker even though she didn't have her eyes open. The pain was still evident, but she felt very rested, even though her head was currently swarming with sadistic thoughts.

_He raped me, he put me through hell, and then he killed her. The only family member who I ever loved, he killed. The wanker, I wish he could have paid, but no, the coward went and shot himself!!! Draco… what was up with him anyway? The way he looked at me, the way he protected me… he took me to the hospital wing at Hogwarts… so then how did I get to those dungeons? Was it all a set up? Did Malfoy come to kidnap me, not warn me? Was I in Malfoy Mansion? No.. Voldemort… Voldemort's Head Quarters? Maybe Malfoy Mansion is Voldemort's Head Quarters? And that deceitful son of a bitch Malfoy went and became a traitor! Why did I ever trust him? When did I trust him? Just because he was nice for a fraction of a day does not mean he is to be trusted. He is quite good at putting on an act; I bet he's Voldemort's little pawn, but just acts the snobby self-righteous Slytherin to fool Dumbledore. That's right, it's just an act._

_Just like yourself._

How was she supposed to keep up this façade, when she was so sure that everyone around her knew the truth? Could she keep it up emotionally, even though everyone knew?

The more she thought, the more the tears came. She couldn't just lie there, welling it up; she had to do something, even if it would take away the pain for just a second. The literal pain was helping, but not enough.

Thinking fast, she decided to do what she always did to block out the pain, to make herself forget. Read.

_How the hell am I supposed to get a book? I don't even know where the hell I am! _

Opening her eyes, she looked around. She was at Hogwarts in the hospital wing. It must have been the dead of night, as she could not see any nurses or teachers bustling around trying to make their patients stay in bed. Well… one in particular.

Sitting up, she tried her hardest to get out of bed, but as she stood up, her legs faltered and she fell to the floor.

Trying her hardest not to scream out in pain, she knelt on the floor, letting the tears flow freely. It felt wrong to cry. She felt weak, and pathetic, and would not let herself stand for such trivial ideas.

She got up, and carefully, quietly and rather slowly, walked out of the hospital wing.

Walking down the corridor, she felt scared and alone. It had been Hogwarts in which she was kidnapped, taken to Voldemort and used for things she didn't know about. How was that fair? They do Merlin knows what to her and don't even have the decency to let her remember? For all she knew she could have been raped, again, and again and again until she bled and then….

"Miss Granger?"

She turned around to meet Dumbledore. Strangely, not feeling any panic at all about being out of bed after hours, she replied confidently…

"Professor…." As if to will him to ask the question.

"As much as I am so happy to see you awake, what are you doing out of bed, wandering the corridors in the wee hours of the morning?"

"I was going to the library, of course. I'm sure I have missed a lot and…"

"…Miss Granger!" he cut her off. "There is no use in lying to me. Now tell me, what are you doing out of bed?"

"I wanted to get a book from the library." Not including the part about missing work. It seemed pointless to include that, seeing how term hadn't started. Shame she didn't realise that earlier, but obviously Dumbledore did.

He nodded and replied curtly… "Ok. But I will forbid you to walk any closer to the library and must insist you go back to bed."

"But, professor… I –"

"Miss Granger, I shall assist you back to your bed. You need your rest, and I am positive Madam Pomphrey is extremely worried about where you have disappeared to this time."

Hermione let out a groan of disapproval, but she wasn't about to argue. She'd done, _seen_, too much of that.

Hermione led the way back to the infirmary, her conscience telling her to ask the question, but her mind fighting away any urges to do so. She wanted to ask it, she wanted to know… but she wasn't sure she wanted to know the answer.

As she turned into the hospital wing, Pomphrey came bustling over to her with a look of pity, relief and anger spread across her face. She didn't say anything, but looked relieved that Hermione had come back. Hermione realised that she must have thought something had happened again. Last time Hermione went missing, she ended up in front of Voldemort, and then passed out from the pain the death eaters caused upon her.

"Sorry… I just wanted to go to the library, but…" said Hermione, but cut herself off.

"That's Ok dear, just tell me next time… but preferably stay in bed!"

She pointed Hermione back to bed, and Hermione went.

Catching Dumbledore before he walked out the infirmary –

"Professor?"

Dumbledore turned around and looked at Hermione with the usual twinkle in his eyes, yet this time there was curiosity too. "Yes?"

Hermione thought carefully about whether she really wanted to ask this question, but he knew, Pomphrey new, so why not?

"What happened?"

Dumbledore's expression turned from one of curiosity, to one of sorrow. "I was going to ask you the same question."

"Oh…" she looked down.

"I think you need to get some rest, I'm sure you will have a lot of visitors—"

"What!? Professor, please don't let anybody come and see me!" She wasn't sure why, but she wasn't ready to be confronted by anybody, especially Ron, Harry or Ginny.

"And why is that Miss Granger? Everybody is extremely worried about you."

She liked this man less and less! First he cut off her journey to the library, which she was rather enjoying, might I add, and now he wants to know why she doesn't want to see anybody. Why couldn't he just accept that fact? Why did there always have to be a reason?

"I… I, I just don't think I'm ready to see them." She said, her voice breaking. She looked down to her hands, which were placed gently on top of the bed spread, her vision becoming cloudy as tears started to show themselves.

"Very well, but I can't say I can keep away your two friends. I must say they always have had a certain disregard for the rules." And with that, he left, leaving a very sullen Hermione.

The truth was, she was finding it harder and harder to trust anybody. She had trusted her mother with her life…. But her life had been even more of a lie than she had thought. Her mother _did_ know about her being abused, and she just lay there, watching as her father raped her. How could she trust someone that had lied to her, her entire life? And lied about something so big! If she could put so much trust into one person, and then find it out the truth, how could you possible trust anybody you thought you could? And then there was Draco. She had put so much trust, so much faith in him. She didn't even know why, it just felt right, but he had turned out to be the same traitor that her mother had been.

She couldn't bare to have to feel that pain again. She couldn't have her heart ripped to even more shreds. She wasn't sure she could take any more heartache.

Not yet, at least.

Hours passed before she awoke again. She had been given another dreamless sleep potion, meaning that she felt extremely refreshed and unhaunted. (((You know how much I love new words))) However, not being able to deal with everything in her dreams meant she had to do it when she was awake. Not that she was ungrateful for those many hours of a free spirited mind, but time went so much slower when she was awake. Therefore, she seemed to have more time to dwell on everything, which meant she was shutting away more and more.

She had come to the conclusion that she was an orphan, which wasn't exactly difficult to come to, since it was the truth. She had no family left, at all. That hurt the most. It wasn't the fact that she had been tortured by Voldemort's little servants and used as a play toy. Having no family, and an abusive background leaves scars deeper than that. Her whole life had been haunted by her father. She hated to admit it, but he hated her. He never loved her. As much as she wanted him to, she was never good enough for him. Even before she went to Hogwarts, she wasn't accepted, but then she became a freak. His freak, and that's why it messed him up so much, because he was her daughter, part of her was him, she was a part of him and vice versa. He couldn't accept that he could produce something so… wrong.

Throughout her life, there was no one she loved more than her mother. There never is, with anyone. You may find love with someone else, and you love your family more than anything, but no one matters more than your mother. And now she was gone. Dead at the hands of the person who had made her life a living hell. Made her lie to her best friends, made her act like someone she wasn't, just to hide his sadistic activities. It was all her fault. He had aimed at Hermione, he had wanted _her_ dead. As much as she hated to admit this too, he loved her mother more than anything in the world. And he wanted Hermione dead because her mother knew the truth. It was all her fault, if her mother hadn't stepped in the way to protect her, her life would be less of a shit hole, the pain would be gone, and her mother would still be alive. Was she jealous? Jealous of the fact her father loved her mother, but never gave her the love she deserved? Or did she hate him for it? Hate him for never being the father she needed? The father she needed to tell her that she wasn't the ugly freak everyone at school called her? The person she needed to hold her at night, and make her feel safe? The manly figure in her life that would tell her all about the real world, and play with her after school? Did she hate him for never being there for her?

But more importantly, did she hate him for hating her so much? Was she so imperfect, that he had to treat her the way he had? What was so _wrong_ with her? She was just a defenceless little kid who knew no better! Why did he have to take away the preciousness of childhood and taint her innocence? Destroy it even, for that was what he had done. She wasn't innocent any longer, and all at the hands of her father! Her father! He had raped her, and thought nothing of it! He even thought it was funny!

At this point, she cut herself off. She couldn't bare to think of it any longer, there weren't possibly enough tears to shed.

Hermione was still in the hospital wing, but now she was sat up hugging her knees and crying hysterically into her arms. She wanted the pain gone. Her whole life she had dealt with it. She was stronger because of his actions, as she had to get over it to move on, and so she had. She was stronger, he made her stronger. But she wasn't strong enough to take this! Not once had she been abused, raped, told the heart breaking truth and made an orphan in the mere vicinity of less than 12hours!!! She just wanted it to end, the _pain_ to end.

* * *

_"The fights, those nights  
I tried to pretend it don't hurt  
The way, I prayed  
Someday that you would love me  
Really, completely  
Just how I wanted it to be  
  
For every last bruise you gave me  
For every time I sat in tears  
For the million ways you hurt me  
I just want to tell you this  
You broke my world, made me strong  
Thank you  
Messed up my dreams, made me strong  
Thank you  
  
My head, near dead  
Just the way you wanted it  
My soul, stone cold  
Cause I was under you're control  
So young, so dumb  
Knew just how to make me succumb  
But I understand  
To make yourself feel like a man  
  
You hit, you spit, you split, every bit of me, yeah  
You stole, you broke, you're cold  
You're such a joke to me.  
  
For every last bruise you gave me  
For every time I sat in tears  
For the million ways you hurt me  
I just want to tell you this  
You broke my world, made me strong  
Thank you  
Messed up my dreams, made me strong  
Thank you"_

* * *

Madam Pomfrey had been watching her for the past 30 minutes. Hermione was completely oblivious to this. Straightening herself out, and trying to wipe away her tears, she tried to turn away. But the tears came anew, and she let them fall freely. She couldn't take this. She needed it as much as Hermione did! But she couldn't possibly fall asleep! Picking up _one_ bottle of dreamless sleep, and wiping away her tears, trying to stay strong for the few minutes she had too, she walked over and gave Hermione the potion. Hermione took it without even looking at the vial's description, downed it, and then layback on her bed. Not once did she look at Madam Pomphrey, for which the nurse was grateful.

Taking a step backwards, Pomfrey watched as Hermione fell into a dreamless sleep and breathed a sigh of relief as she saw the pain slowly fade from the girls face.

-----

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	6. The Journey Begins

And the Journey Begins

Since Hermione had been through all that in her head, she had become slightly addicted to dreamless sleep. She wasn't allowed out of the hospital wing, so she had absolutely no way of taking her mind off of it.

Sleeping for 4 days, only waking up once the dreamless sleep started to ware off, she started to feel much better physically. Her body was now able to heal, now that she was awake, and not unconscious, and her body was reacting to the potions Madam Pomfrey was giving her daily. The after effects of the Cruciatus curse had finally worn off, and her broken ribs had been fully healed. Madam Pomfrey had not once mentioned before this incident that bruises were un-healable. Therefore, Hermione still bore the bruises on her face and all over her body, which meant she was still in some pain.

Hermione hadn't let Pomfrey get anywhere near her arms. She wasn't ready to show her physical scars because of the emotional overload of her mental ones. She still bore a few scratches that were self-inflicted, and many scars from previous years.

She thought maybe Pomfrey suspected something, but would never let herself dwell on it. She was just grateful she had weeks until school started.

Well… that's what _she_ thought.

She was shocked when she got her OWL results back. Surprisingly, she had completely forgotten about them.

She picked up the letter and read the front. "Hermione Granger". No address, but there was a date. "25th August 1996". Her heart did a double somersault, and her stomach fell way too far into her body.

_25th? Of August? How long was I out for? This can't be right?!? That means that school starts back up in 6 days!!!! Oh my gosh!_ Feeling the sudden pressure and nervousness, Hermione knew she had to get out of this hospital wing. She needed air!

Completely forgetting her OWL results, she looked over at madam Pomphrey, who just happened to be faced in her direction, though her face was to the side whilst she was looking over something on a table. She got up and noted how the nurse looked up. Making eye contact, she walked out of the infirmary.

This was so that Pomfrey knew where she was, and Hermione could get some space. Surprisingly, the nurse didn't follow or request for her to come back…

She walked out of the wing and down the lonely halls and corridors of Hogwarts. Making her way outside she felt the warm breeze on her legs. This was when she realised she was wearing a hospital dress. _Ugh!_ She thought, feeling slightly uncomfortable, as she had nothing on underneath and was wearing, not shoes but, slippers.

Walking out onto the lawn, she noted how there was no smoke coming from inside Hagrid's hut, or that there were any lights on. It was getting dark, and had she expected the aforementioned. Shrugging this off, she walked over to the lake.

Sitting down, she stared numbly at the sun setting. No thoughts blocked her mind, or made her dizzy. No pain hit her heart and made her eyes water. All she felt was numb, numb from said pain.

She wasn't sure how long she had been out there, but it was getting extremely dark and she knew people would be worried about her. Not caring about the latter so much, she walked back to the castle, deciding to go to the Gryffindor common room, hoping it had the same password as last year.

"Password?" muttered the fat lady, looking agitatedly down at the wandering student, so late at night.

"Devil's Snare?" and to her shock, the portrait hole swung open.

Smiling to herself, she walked inside and up to her room, in which she found a rather loved blanket all the girls' beds had on them for winter. Even though it wasn't winter… Picking one up, she took it down stairs and settled into her favourite chair, right by the fire.

Here, she felt safe and content. For some reason, she had always had a problem with the hospital wing; probably for what it signified. But since she had been there, she had grown a pure hatred towards it.

All to quickly, the portrait hole opened, emitting the last person she wanted to see: Dumbledore. It was as if he knew where every single student was in Hogwarts, especially when they were out of bounds.

"Hello, Miss Granger. Why are you not in the hospital wing?"

"Good evening Professor." She replied, looking into the fire that was lit before she had arrived.

He sighed. "Must I repeat myself?"

"No, I didn't feel much like staying there any longer. It was starting to become uncomfortable, and when I found out the date of today, I just had to get out of there" she looked up and met his eyes. "I had no idea I was unconscious so long" her eyes starting to shine.

"I'm afraid you were unconscious for 3 weeks, Miss Granger." She nodded.

"Have you had a look at your OWL results, I hear they were quite good!" She remembered this, but really did not want to go back. As if sensing this, he waved his hand and they appeared on the table in front of her.

"Thank you, sir." She just wished she had some dreamless sleep. She really didn't want to see everything replayed in her dreams after so long without them. Again, as if knowing what she was thinking, he waved his hand and a bottle of dreamless sleep potion appeared on the table.

She smiled, weakly. "Thank you, professor"

"I'll be leaving you now, Miss Granger. Get some rest" and with that he walked out the common room, leaving Hermione to her own devices.

Or so she hoped.

As soon as Dumbledore had left, she tried to push her OWL results from her head. She didn't want to think about failing again. If she had failed, she would be a failure yet again, but if she had passed… she had passed on the Witch Hermione Granger's knowledge that clouded her own… she didn't want to be that person anymore, she wanted to find out who she really was. Find out who she was, without the façade, without the lies, and without her family. Now she could think for herself, and had no-one to haunt her. Now that she had nothing to prove to anyone. Yes, she loved reading, but she wasn't the good girl next door, and certainly wasn't one to care about exams. She had done it so her parents would be proud, and if she ever got into trouble, her father would certainly kill her.

How ironic…

But… maybe she did care about exams? Maybe she did want to be clever? Maybe she did care more about her appearance than she thought? She did care about what people thought of her… that's why she had hidden behind all the lies. Wasn't it?

She groaned as these thoughts roamed her mind. In truth, she _was_ curious about her grades. Thoughts of her father were confusing her. She didn't know who she really was; she didn't care about her exams as much as the old Hermione, but she did care. These grades would determine her future.

Thinking quickly, so she wouldn't back down, she leant over and, ignoring the slight pain, picked up her results.

_Dear Miss Granger,_

_Due to unfortunate events, this letter was delayed. Your examination grades were as follows:_

_Potions: O_

_Charms: O_

Herbology: O 

_Astronomy: E_

Arithmancy: O 

_Transfiguration: O_

_History of Magic: O_

_Care of Magical Creatures: O_

_Defence Against the Dark Arts: O_

_I will be coming to see you personally, so we can talk over your NEWT level classes and sort out the books that will be required. _

_Kind Regards,_

_Professor Minerva __McGonagall _

_Deputy Headmistress of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry._

All she could do was smile. Those were the results she wanted. She hadn't expected anything more in Astronomy, after the distraction from the incident with Hagrid and Umbridge.

What she did want to know was, what subject's did_ she_ want to do? D.a.t.D.A was a must, and she definitely wanted to do the base subjects like Potions, Transfiguration, Charms and Herbology. But did she really need a big workload? After what had happened?

She definitely didn't need the stress she had in 3rd year. And even in 4th and 5th, she was under a lot of pressure because of exams… and everything.

Groan… she still couldn't admit to herself what had happened. It was almost as if admitting to herself made it final, made it real, and when she finally admitted it to herself, she could admit it to others. But she couldn't do that. Because then it _would_ be real, it _would _be true. She couldn't live behind the lies and her perfect façade if she admitted to herself that she was abused, and had lied to her friends her whole life. She couldn't admit to herself that she had been raped, told the truth, watched her parents die, got kidnapped by her arch nemesis who she was actually starting to trust, get asked to join Voldemort then get even more tortured (for all she knew) for turning him down, all in the space of less than 24 hours.

How was she supposed to be able to cope with that? Reality was setting in and she couldn't do anything about it now. She had physical pain, and literal memories. She felt constantly sick and she couldn't stop the fact that she was finally seeing the truth.

And it hurt. It hurt like hell and she had to stop it.

The pain was still raw when she woke up. She felt exactly the same as she did when she had taken the Dreamless Sleep potion, except, maybe, she felt a bit more rested. But she didn't need rest. She needed these emotions gone… she wasn't sure how much longer she could hold them without cracking.

Looking around she saw it was night. _Maybe… I slept for days like I did before… and there's an entire school of students in the great hall talking about me. Ok.. that wasn't even funny. _Her little bit of humour didn't cheer her up… in fact she nearly had a heart attack when she heard people outside… and there was more than one… and they sounded very little like teachers. _Ok, it was a joke you know, what the hell have you got against me?_ She thought, looking up to the sky… someone… or a few someones… more cleverly known as "the fates" really had something against her!

Fear spread throughout her body and she had no idea what to expect. She heard them mutter the password, which had changed. _Why would they change the password? There must be students here if they have to password protect the common room!_ She sat, staring apprehensively at the portrait hole. Hysteria slowly building up inside of her. She heard footsteps and then she saw robes… hugging closer to the sofa with her blanket tight around her she watched as…

Wait... Ron and Harry?

They stared at her in shock… _Oh my…_ which she returned. She then watched as anger spread across their faces… _who are they angry at? Me? That would be understandable… I have been lying to them for 5 years…_she looked at them worryingly. Then... they smiled… _stop confusing me!_… but she did not smile back.

"What are you doing here?" she said, almost yelling?

"We wanted to know if you are alright, Hermione. How are you doing?" asked Ron.

"I'm fine" she replied as she turned her head to look at the fire. They obviously didn't believe her, as they felt the annoying need to come closer and ask even more annoying questions.

"Did you get your OWL results back?" said Ron… she nodded… "What did you get?" She glared at him… he sounded far too perky to be anywhere near her right now. Harry was being very quiet… she moved her glare to Harry and their eyes locked. He knew she was hiding all her feelings away, as that was exactly what he did. But... he was also very easy to crack last year... and Hermione assumed he thought she was too right now.

"Look, Hermione. We are sorry about your parents' death…"

She snorted… "Don't be." She cut him off.

This clearly wasn't going as well as they had planned, because Harry cut in.

"Hermione, we know what you are going through. Honestly we do…"

"Really? Ok… if you know so much, what _am_ I going through Harry?" she cut in.

They looked at each other; Hermione gave them a knowing glare, and looked back to the fire. It was much more interesting than it was when she had been thinking before. Now… it seemed intriguing… like it couldn't harm her like people could, it couldn't break it's trust... _and_ it was somewhat nice to look at.

"You're right, we don't know. Maybe you should explain so we do understand." Spoke Ron, looking highly apprehensive.

Hermione liked this fire less and less… why was it making her cry? She could feel her eyes watering up, and she didn't like it. Apparently, Harry and Ron noticed this as they took a few steps towards her. Soon, Ron was sat in front of her, and Harry next to her. Unfortunately, she was not happy about this. She was scared. Ron took her hand and she immediately pulled away.

"Hermione…?"

She looked at them both as if seeing them for the first time, and, grabbing her blanket, she jumped up and ran from the common room.

This proved to be a bad idea after a few corridors, and she decided to start walking. There was nowhere she could go but back to the hospital wing. At least Poppy could keep Ron and Harry away from her.

So that's what she did, she took what could be a nice warm nightime stroll towards the Hospital Wing.

This trip proved to be anything but nice. She was in pain, again, from the running, she was crying, and she was scared.

She walked to the door to the hospital wing and knocked. Madam Pomfrey came over quickly and let her in. She could see Hermione was crying, so told her to go over to the bed quickly. What Hermione saw was enough to send her over the edge. She was far to sick of being shocked.

Lying in the bed nearest the window was the person she least expected to see.

Draco Malfoy.

* * *

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	7. Explaining, Guilt and MORE Shock

Explaining, Guilt and More Shock

She looked at Draco in shock, disbelief and wonder. She couldn't believe he was here, of all places. _Hasn't Dumbledore expelled him for what he did to me?_ He was in a really bad way. He was covered in bruises and cuts and looked extremely week, but he was sitting up, staring blankly at Hermione.

She was too shocked to react. Somebody _definitely_ had something against her. And why was he _here?_ Why not somewhere, anywhere else!? St Mungos!!!

But something was telling her that the situation was more than it seemed. Something was wrong, and she knew it.

Glaring coldly at him, she turned to walk out. She'd much rather be in the common room with Ron and Harry than in the hospital with _him_. Walking, and slowly turning her pace into a run, she burst through the infirmary doors and ran flat into something solid. Well... something that was enough to knock her over. Recovering from the fall and shock, again, she stared up to whomever she had just run into.

There, standing directly in front of her stood Dumbledore, Ron and Harry, looking at her with worried yet apprehensive expressions. She closed her eyes, trying to keep herself calm and trying to remain in control of her emotions. She then stood up and looked directly into the headmaster's eyes, not once looking towards Ron, nor Harry.

"Miss Granger, I think you should go back into the hospital wing now" he said, staring at her with the same twinkle in his eyes.

"I'm not going back in there," and she turned to walk around them. She sighed as Ron stuck out his arm to stop her. Glaring at him coldly, trying to push the slight fear she felt to the bottom of her emotional bag, she turned back to Dumbledore, trying to ignore the sick feeling deep inside her.

"You must return to the infirmary now." He said. Something wasn't right. He was hiding something. "Miss Granger, I'm sorry to say it, but we have some explaining to do. At least, Mr Malfoy does. I am here to make sure you do not kill him." He looked at her amusedly "Mr Weasley and Mr Potter were just making sure you were Ok. Apparently you made a rather quick departure from the common room after they had entered." He looked down at her knowingly, the twinkle gone. She looked away.

She knew he would never lie to her. He may hide things, but he would never lie to her. Not Dumbledore, anyway. One of the few people she could trust. She turned and walked back into the hospital, feeling _his_ eyes on her, but not once looking over to Malfoy.

She got into her assigned bed and pulled her blanket around her, which she had most conveniently left in the hospital wing before her quick departure.

Harry and Ron took a seat next to her bed, much to her dismay, and Dumbledore stood near the entrance to the wing.

"It's time you knew the truth, Hermione," said Dumbledore.

"Hermione?" It was Draco. She didn't turn, just stared blankly at her covers. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for taking you to Voldemort, I'm sorry for everything that my father and Voldemort's henchman put you through." She could only vaguely here his voice, and was trying her hardest to ignore him. Really wasn't working.

_Still_ ignoring him, Dumbledore stated- "Draco isn't a death eater, Hermione. He never was. He's on our side." The sick feeling in her stomach increased.

She turned to look at Draco, their eyes locked and it took all her strength to speak – "Way to prove your loyalty." She watched as guilt spread across his eyes. She could see it in his eyes, again. The look that told her he wasn't the evil git he used to be, or he wasn't the evil git people thought he was. There was something hidden deep down inside. _What_, she didn't know. If she could have, she would have turned and laid down, ignoring everyone. But Draco was on her right and Harry, Ron and Dumbledore on her left. She had no way to turn. She felt like hiding under a rock and staying there.

She turned to Dumbledore and he looked at her sadly. "We need to know what happened from when Draco took you, to when you arrived in Grimmauld Place."

She looked away. "I don't remember" was all she replied.

"Hermione, I know it's hard. But we need to know what happened, it's essential that you tell us." She knew that if she didn't tell them, someone else could get hurt, or they would just keep pestering her until she told. This way, it was said once, and only once, and she wouldn't have to live through it in the future.

Sighing, she replied, "Fine. I don't know how I got there, but I think I was in Malfoy Manner." He nodded. "I was alone in a cell, then someone walked in, bound me, and transported me to this room full of Death Eaters. In the centre was Voldemort. He asked me to join him, or get used as the Death Eaters' play toy." She looked down to her covers. "I refused, and was literally dragged back down to my cell. By the time I was there I could hardly move. He cast the Cruciatus on me, and then once again. I must have fainted because I woke up the next morning in a lot of pain. I knew I had to get out, but I had no wand. I remembered back to before I came to Hogwarts, how I was able to do wandless magic when I needed to the most. I repeated the unlocking spell over and over in my mind until the door unlocked. I walked past a lot of cells until I came to a room. In there was my bounder. He got up, walked towards me, and then turned around to cast a silencing charm on the room. Once his back was turned, I noticed the fireplace in the room. I looked for something to distract him long enough, and found a lit lantern. I threw it as hard as I could towards him and his robes caught fire. I then ran to the fireplace and flood to Grimmauld Place." Silence filled the room. Surprisingly, she wasn't crying. But she did feel sick. She couldn't look at anyone in the room. Not that she needed to, she could almost feel the shock on their faces.

"How many Death Eaters were there?" asked Dumbledore.

"Hundreds" she replied.

"And who was your bounder?"

She looked over at Draco, who was turned on his side away from them, starring blankly at the wall. As if understanding, Dumbledore replied –

"Very well. Harry, Ron, if you could please leave. Professor McGonagall wishes to have a few words with Hermione, and then she must sleep. I'll bid you goodnight, Hermione" and he walked from the room.

She tried to ignore her best friends prying eyes, but then felt arms wrap around her. She flinched immediately, and turned away. They left.

A few minutes later, McGonagall walked into the infirmary. She was looking very tired, and depressed.

"Hello, Hermione. I am here to talk to you about your NEWT level classes."

She nodded.

"Do you have any idea what you plan to take?" she asked hopefully.

"I did think about it. I am planning on taking Defence, Potions, Transfiguration, Charms, Herbology and I guess I should take Care of Magical Creatures and Arithmancy."

McGonagall looked rather shocked… "Is that it, Hermione?"

"Yes, professor. I don't really think I need to take any more, and I certainly don't think I want to." She said, rather blankly, and unreassuringly.

"Very well. I will be going to Diagon Alley tomorrow to retrieve your books. Now, get a good nights sleep, school starts up tomorrow." And she walked out the hospital wing, leaving Hermione with Draco. Pomfrey was nowhere to be seen.

Great… not only does school start up tomorrow, but also, I'm stuck with him in the place I hate the most. Why? Why me? She pulled the blanket that was around her, over her head and groaned.

"You still don't trust me do you?" asked Draco. She slowly removed the blanket from her head enough so she could see him and looked over to him and saw he was now sitting up again, looking at her with a look of shear guilt plastered on his face. She felt anger rise inside her; how could he ask her that? After everything he had done!

"Trust? Trust you? How the hell am I supposed to trust you?" she yelled back.

"I understand that, that's why I said it" she rolled her eyes. "But I did mean it when I said I was sorry. I didn't do it to hurt you. I did it because I had to…" and he turned back on his side an laid down, leaving Hermione in even more confusion. (((A/N: Laid? Lye? Lay? Shrugs)))

Hermione sat on her bed, staring at nothing. She wasn't exactly tired, more bored. She wasn't entirely sure about what she was going to do, until she fell asleep. At this point in time she felt totally free. Mind blank, almost numb. She had dwelled far too much on her emotions, and her life, in one day, that she could do no more. Her mind was numb from heartbreak. This gave her the ability to push her emotions away. She knew she had done it, and she was able to keep it there, and it felt _good_.

Needing to stay this way, she stood up to… well, just walk around and try to keep her attention away from her past. She walked over to a painting on the wall opposite her bed.

Her attention was fully on this work of art. She stared at the night landscape, and watched as the stars in the painting, which must have been charmed, sparkled now and again. She was totally transfixed on the painting. It was so beautiful.

She was lucky. She may have a lot of horrible things in her life right now, but she had friends, people who loved her. She was smart; she could get a good job. And at that point in time, she was the happiest she had been in weeks.

Her attention was drawn to behind her, when she heard a door open and close. Turning around she saw Ron and Harry. They were smiling at her, and she smiled back. These were her two best friends, the ones who loved her more than most things in the world, and she loved them more than anything else.

"How are you feeling?" asked Harry.

"I'm ok, actually. What about you?"

"As well as the latest events will allow me to feel." He replied, smiling slightly at his best friend. "How about we get out of here? Go for a little walk? I could sure do with some air, and we can… er… catch up, I guess"

"I'd like that," and she followed them both out the hospital wing.

They walked along the lonely halls of Hogwarts in silence. It was one of those silences one might have called comfortable, if it had not been for the two men in front of her casting quick, nervous glances at each other every few seconds.

They came to a large statue of a man on a horse, presumably a night, and she could see she was rather close to the Gryffindor common room. They had descended two floors from the hospital wing.

She watched as they looked up to the statue, then looked at each other and nodded. At the exact same time, they both turned around. Ron put a hand over her mouth and Harry grabbed her sides, pinning her to his body. He bought her hands behind her back, and held her tight, pinching slightly.

Shocked, she didn't move. They pulled her into a near by classroom, and Ron turned around to cast a silencing charm on the room. Harry pushed her to sit on the desk, then got his wand out and pointed it straight at Hermione.

Frozen from shock, and fear, she stared at his wand, and then looked at to her two best friends incredulously. What were they going to do? Fear took over her and she went to get up. She was pushed back, however, and landed hard on the floor.

"How are you _feeling_ Hermione?" asked Harry.

"What are you doing?" she asked him back.

"What, you didn't enjoy our little walk?"

"When you said walk, I assumed you meant out side, hence the part about fresh air! Why are we here, and why do you have your wand pointed at me? And, as we are on the subject of why, why did you push me!?" she asked, her voice getting louder and more vicious as she went on. She felt strangely confident. After all, this _was_ Ron and Harry…

They stole each other a glance, then laughed. Laughs that sent shivers up her spine.

"I almost forgot about my new look. You see, Hermione, when you escaped the Dark Lord's clutches like that, you left a mark on your self. Firstly, you were supposed to be our little _play toy_… we did have some fun with you, not that you would remember that," he laughed evilly, "but I'm afraid you were going to be used as more than that." He looked at her intently. "You were our bait." He said simply. "You see, Potter is very loyal to his friends. Foolish boy, he would do anything to save someone he _loves_. That's where you came in. But when you escaped, we no longer had our play toy, _or_ our bait. This not only ruined our plans, but also made the Dark Lord _extremely_ angry. Anyone who escapes the Dark Lord's clutches will pay. _Dearly_."

"You're not Harry, are you?"

"Oh, you catch on quickly. Now, as much as I would love to have some _fun_ with you, the Dark Lord wishes for you to be delivered to him in three minutes" he smirked "therefore, we only have enough time for a little torture."

_Not again_.

She watched as he pointed his wand at her, and yelled "Crucio". The pain seared through her body like hot lava. It tore at her skin, crushed her bones and left her doubled over in pain. This was unlike the pain she had felt before, it was fiercer, and seemed to be lasting seconds, whereas before it has only been held for a second at most.  
As soon as the pain stopped, she heard distant voices. Suddenly, she heard someone yell "Recognosco" before the pain came again, but this time in a different form. She screamed as they kicked her in the ribs and stomach, and complied when they pulled her up by her hair. The last thing she saw was the door open, and a punch to her face, before she passed out.

* * *

Shit Happens

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	8. Catch Me

_…………."You're not Harry, are you?"_

_"Oh, you catch on quickly. Now, as much as I would love to have some fun with you, the Dark Lord wishes for you to be delivered to him in three minutes" he smirked "therefore, we only have enough time for a little torture."_

_Not again._

_She watched as he pointed his wand at her, and yelled "Crucio". The pain seared through her body like hot lava. It tore at her skin, crushed her bones and left her doubled over in pain. This was unlike the pain she had felt before, it was fiercer, and seemed to be lasting seconds, whereas before it has only been held for a second at most.  
As soon as the pain stopped, she heard distant voices. Then the pain came again, but this time in a different form. She screamed as they kicked her in the ribs and stomach, and complied when they pulled her up by her hair. The last thing she saw was the door open, and a punch to her face, before she passed out………….._

* * *

_"Catch me as I fall, say you're here and it's all over now, speaking to the atmosphere, no one's here and I fall into myself, this truth drives me into madness, I know I can stop the pain, if I will it all away._

_I'm frightened by what I see, but somehow I know, that there's much more to come, immobilized by my fear, and soon to be blinded by tears, I can stop the pain, if I will it all away. _

_Fallen angels at my feet, whispered voices at my ear, death before my eyes, lying next to me I fear, she beckons me shall I give in, upon my end shall I begin, forsaking all I've fallen for, I rise to meet the end"_

* * *

**Catch Me**

She wasn't entirely sure as to whether she wanted to wake up or not. Drifting in and out of consciousness she could barely hear the voices around her. She knew where she was, however, and her hate had grown to an immense state. She was positive that Madam Pomfrey would be making jokes out of this when it was so much in the past that it could be funny. But, right now, all she cared about was her situation.

She felt more alone than ever right now. She had no one she could trust. Except, maybe, Dumbledore, but her trust for him was fading slowly.

She knew Harry and Ron would never hurt her, but for a moment, she had truly believed it was them who were torturing her. How was she supposed to be able to look at them and not think of them as evil? Even if she were able to trust them again, she would always look at them and be reminded of this day. Or, whenever it happened, depending on how long she had been out for.

"…how…castle………death eaters……students…"

She could now make out some of the words, and demanded her body to wake up so she could listen to the conversation. She now knew she did not want to be unconscious.

She tried concentrating on the words instead of her thoughts.

"I don't know…. Polyjuice…. could get… Hermione."

"You think they used Polyjuice potion?"

"Yes, there is no other possible way to explain it."

"But how did they got hold of our hairs!?"

"I don't know, Mr Weasley. You must go down to the great hall now. Professor McGonagall will explain my absence, but I shall be down soon. I must talk to Miss Granger"

There was silence –

"I know you are awake, Miss Granger, now… will you talk to me?"

She tried to say that she would, but all that came out was a grunt.

"Ok. Just so you know, the students have arrived. You will be excused from any lessons you think you need be. Your possessions are in your dormitory. I shall talk to you when I return. Now get some rest"

She, again, tried to speak, but found herself unable. She heard his footsteps getting lighter and assumed he had left.

Her body seemed to refuse to let her move. She tried to open her eyes, but was blinded by the light that shone in and immediately shot them closed again. She also tried to sit up, but this sent waves of, annoyingly, familiar pain down her body and she collapsed into her bed. Unable to move, or speak, she could do nothing but lie there, thinking.

That was until somebody came and sat next to her, brushing her hair from her face. She flinched slightly, but felt their touch calming her. They took hold of her hand, which shocked her so much she pulled away instinctively. They took a tighter hold, squeezed, and then continued brushing their hands through her hair.

They suddenly stopped, but did not move their hand, and she turned her head to indicate that she wanted them to continue. They did, and she felt herself calming instantly.

Before she knew it, she was sleeping, somewhat pleasantly, while they walked away.

This time, when Hermione woke up, she felt very relaxed and rested. She was able to open her eyes.

Looking around, she realised she was right when she had thought she was in the hospital wing. The room was completely empty. Wondering where Pomfrey was, she attempted to sit up. She still felt the pain sear through her body but was able to subdue it whilst she sat up. Leaning against the big fluffy pillow on her bed, she tried to come to some kind of conclusion about why she was all alone.

But, in all honesty, did she want company? And if she did, who? She still didn't have the strength and will power to face Ron and Harry. She certainly didn't want to see the youngest Weasley, Ginny. Though, she wasn't sure why, the thought of seeing her made her somewhat nauseous. The only other person she thought she could face was…

Her mind was blank. There was no one she could trust, in all honesty. Harry, Ron, Ginny, Malfoy, Neville…. None of them could be trusted, not anymore.

She realised now, that she had no one. She could trust no one. To Hermione, trust was such an important thing. She couldn't have her heart broken again.

She had never felt so alone in her life.

Pleasantly interrupting her thoughts, Pomfrey came bustling into the room, and on noticing Hermione sat up, shock over took her features and she rushed over to Hermione's side.

"How are you feeling, dear?"

She gave a hollow laugh, "Like shit"

Pomfrey clearly looked taken back by her use of language, but didn't push it.

"Yes, well, if Harry –" she flinched at the sound of his name –"… if Harry and Ron hadn't found you when they did, you would most likely be dead."

She raised her eyebrows in a would-that-be-so-bad way and nodded. She sighed on seeing the worry on her carers face and asked, "When can I leave?"

Pomfrey gave a small laugh – "Eager to get back to lessons, are we?"

"No, I just hate this place."

Pomfrey raised an eyebrow at her, but again, didn't ask questions. "Well, you should be okay in about a week, I should think. Now you need to take some potions for me. Take this one first-" she pointed to a bottle that read 'Soothing Potion' "then this one-" she pointed to one that said 'Pain Reliever' "then this one." She finished, pointing to a bottle of Dreamless Sleep.

Hermione nodded, "Can I not just leave in the morning?"

Pomfrey eyed her wearily, "We'll see. Now, drink up!"

Hermione took the first and second potions, and then felt herself fall into a dreamless sleep as she drank the last one.

When Hermione woke up the third time, she could clearly hear the voices around her. And she knew instantly whom they belonged to; Harry and Ron.

She wasn't too sure of a lot at the moment, but she was absolutely positive she did not want to see them right now. Not yet, anyway. She hadn't yet come to terms with what happened, and them being there would bring everything back in a wave of pain and emotion.

She couldn't handle that right now.

So, she stayed deadly still, until someone came and sat down and picked up her hand.

Again, reacting naturally to the shock, she tugged it away and her cover was blown. Again.

"Hermione? How are you feeling?" That was Harry, no doubt.

Instead of replying, she turned away from the voice, still with closed eyes.

She heard multiple sighs then – "Just know, that we would never do anything to hurt you, and that when you are ready, we are here for you." She couldn't help but let out a quiet sob and let a tear drop from her face. When did Ron become so…. understanding? She heard footsteps walk away then Dumbledore speak.

"Hermione, will you please turn to face me?" She complied, but couldn't make eye contact. "How _are_ you feeling?"

"Better. I mean, I don't have this searing pain flow through me each time I move anymore, if that could be defined as better." She let out an un-amused laugh, hollow and filled with pain and anger.

"I feel I should let you know of the events currently taking place around the school. It is now the 2nd of September, and classes will start in 10 minutes. You are, of course, excused from these lessons, but may attend if you wish. I know I cannot force you to stay in here; from what I have heard from Madam Pomfrey, you have been in here enough this summer. If you do decide to leave, please tell Madam Pomfrey so she does not worry." And with a swish of his clock, he walked out of the hospital wing leaving a very shocked Hermione in his path.

Dumbledore seemed… different? He didn't have that usual sparkle in his eyes, and seemed to be very blunt about the situation.

These thoughts left her as she remembered that Dumbledore said lessons would start today. She was curious as to what she had first, and if she could afford to miss it or not. In all honesty, she needed something to distract her from her constant torment.

First, she needed to go back to her common room and get dressed. That is, of course, if all her stuff was there. She vaguely remembered Dumbledore saying something about her stuff being in her dormitory.

In the end, after about thirty minutes of thinking out different paths, she decided she would go back to her dormitory. Everyone would be in class so she could get herself sorted out. She would then go to McGonagall and get her time table, if it hadn't been left anywhere in her dormitory, or in the common room, and then decide whether she wanted to go to lessons or not.

She was sure her timetable would make the decision for her.

Therefore – telling Pomfrey – she walked out of the Hospital wing and down the empty corridors of Hogwarts. She saw the portrait of the fat lady, and realisation hit. She had no idea what the password was. Surely Dumbledore knew this? She'd have to go see McGonagall to find out the password, and then walk all the way back again.

Feeling slightly pissed at the fact Dumbledore hadn't told her the password, she quickly walked up the three flights of stairs to the other side of the castle.

Feeling somewhat uncomfortable about knocking on the classroom door, she rapped lightly but stood out of the view of students. She couldn't be seen in her current state!

She heard voices inside then the door opened, emitting McGonagall.

"Yes, Miss Granger?"

"I was hoping you could tell me the password"

She laughed slightly, "Well, it's good to see you up and about. The password is Dreamless Sleep." And with a small laugh, which Hermione found irritating in the least, she walked back into her classroom.

_Dreamless Sleep? Dreamless bloody Sleep? Is that some kind of joke? Supposed to make me _laugh_? Dumbledore has one odd sense of humour. Oh! I should have asked about my time table!_" Cursing herself, and letting out a loud groan, she walked _back_ to the professor's class and rapped on the door again.

This time, her return was not so _pleasant_. Apparently, her return went unnoticed as she heard a large commotion coming from inside, then a few loud voices.

"Harry!"

"Stay away from me!"

"Harry, please!"

"I said stay away!"

She could hear sobs coming from inside.

"Mr Potter!" said McGonagall in a very high-pitched, and worried voice.

She then heard an ear-piercing scream. Silenced filled the corridors as the scream stopped. She could practically feel the worry, pain and angst filling the classroom. She could almost hear her best friend's heavy breathing. Then footsteps were coming towards the door, and she realised now that tears were running slowly but freely down her cheeks.

"Stay away from me."

The door opened quickly and Harry walked out the classroom, but stopped short when he saw Hermione stood in the corridor with tears streaming down her face.

At the sight of Harry, everything came back to her as if she was being punched in the face. Uncontrollable sobs threatened to surface, and fear started to boil in her veins. She was stood in shock at the sight of her torturer.

"Hermione!?" Harry half-yelled in a worried but questioning tone. She watched as half the class filed out of the classroom. She watched as Ron, Draco, Parvati…. The list went on, each person giving shocked gasps.

She could feel everything crushing her inside a small box that refused to let her escape. Her legs gave way as she fell to the ground. Luckily, someone rushed over and caught her before she fell. She felt herself slipping in and out of consciousness with every second.

Curious as to who had caught her, she looked up at Malfoy's worried face. Everyone was looking at her with expressions somewhere between shock and disbelief. She looked around at the people who were staring at her and saw not one friendly face. She made eye contact with Harry, then Ron, and fear spread through her again. She watched as they walked forward, and tried to move back but found there was no way back. Cowering before them, she did the only thing that she could and ran.

Hermione could only vaguely hear the calls from behind her, and the sound of someone chasing after her. That wasn't what was worrying her, however. She felt this immense need to get as far away from Harry and Ron as she could. So, she ran. Ran anywhere.

Ending up at the Entrance Hall, she walked out towards the lake.

She sat down on the grass, the sun beaming down from above her. She watched the sun with interest, though she wasn't too sure why. Looking down towards the Forbidden Forest with lights in her eyes, she felt as though someone was in close proximity. She immediately bought up her guard and stiffened, as they got closer.

She turned towards them as they sat down besides her, and saw to her comfort that Draco Malfoy had sat down besides her. Wait, comfort?

"They would never hurt you. You know that, right?"

Those words stung in her mind, and pricked at her eyes. She could feel tears welling up in her eyes. She turned her face towards her opposite side, looking up slightly, fighting the tears.

Draco, who saw this, turned her face towards him and then pulled her into the most comforting hug she had ever had. The need to cry consumed her and she fell into racking sobs, leaning her head into Draco's chest and holding tightly onto his shirt.

She could feel himself moving to make himself more comfortable, and moved with him slightly. Not caring in the slightest about how they must look to any onlookers, she cried emotionally as he held her close, as if to tell her she was safe and that he could be trusted.

Words were not needed at this time. All she needed was him. For him to stay there forever and never leave.

She felt herself calming down, melting into his embrace.

Comprehensive thoughts started to rack her brain, and realisation hit. She was really getting sick of that: realisation. It always seemed to bring shock or pain… or fear.

This realisation was one that contained all three. This person embracing her was Draco Malfoy, her five-year archenemy, the person who loathed and despised her, the person who had wished her dead, the person who practically sold her to Voldemort…

* * *

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	9. Veritas

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-Previous Chapter-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.__

_Words were not needed at this time. All she needed was him. For him to stay there forever and never leave._

_She felt herself calming down, melting into his embrace. _

_Comprehensive thoughts started to rack her brain, and realisation hit. She was really getting sick of that: realisation. It always seemed to bring shock or pain… or fear. _

_This realisation was one that contained all three. This person embracing her was Draco Malfoy, her five-year archenemy, the person who loathed and despised her, the person who had wished her dead, the person who practically sold her to Voldemort…_

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

**Veritas**

She sat for a while longer. She couldn't quite bring herself to move, even though she knew she had to. She couldn't allow herself to trust him again and then it all come crashing down. She couldn't handle anything else. But, she felt so safe.

She looked up at him. He wore a soft expression that was unreadable, until she shook her head, and his expression turned into one of confusion. She could feel her heart trusting him more and more and she couldn't allow that.

She stood up and he followed. Looking up at him she realised she had never noticed how tall he was, and somewhat intimidating.

"Please… just… just stay away from me." And she turned and walked back up to the castle, tears threatening to fall yet again. She just wanted to be alone.

---

Walking through the lone halls of Hogwarts, she decided to make her way down to the kitchen. She couldn't remember the last time she had eaten. Come to think of it, part of the sick feeling she had been carrying around with her must have been hunger. She made her way down to the kitchens, feeling only slightly more confident of her appearance.

After her little encounter with Malfoy, she had gone back to the common room to refresh. The shock she had felt when she looked into the mirror in the bathroom! Her face was covered in light bruises, her eyes had lost some of their colour and her face was extremely pale. No wonder half her classmates had been shocked at seeing her. She looked exactly like she felt.

She was surprised to see no one on her trip down. That was until she walked into the kitchens. Most of the house elves ran away. Dobby, however, came over.

"Miss Hermione! How can Dobby be helping Miss Hermione?" he said, looking up at her expectantly. She looked around at the cowering house elves and could totally understand how they felt, even if they had run away for different reasons. She saw Winky sat over by the fire, blankly staring into it. She looked back at Dobby.

"I was hoping I could grab a sandwich of some kind, and maybe some hot chocolate to take with me?"

"Yes Miss!" and he scuttled away. She walked over to the corner where the house elves were crammed. The closer she got, the more their expressions changed from fear to disgust. She felt now was the right time to apologise. She knelt down so she was at the same height as them.

"Don't worry, I don't have any plans to force freedom on you." They seemed to calm down a bit. "I'm sorry about what I did last year. I just know what it feels like to be stuck somewhere, with no way out. To be stuck in a reality where you are forced to know only what is expected of you. I just wanted to change that for someone, if I couldn't change it myself." She looked round at them expectantly. One house elf walked through the group and stood in front of Hermione. She looked as though she was weighing up her options. Then, suddenly, she jumped up at Hermione and hugged her. Feeling somewhat shocked, she knelt where she was stunned. Before the shock of the gesture had worn off, the house elf had let her go and was walking off. Slowly, one by one, the other house elves smiled at her brightly and walked back to their jobs. She felt a rush of something that felt similar to happiness spread through her.

Making her way over to the fireplace, and sitting down on a large cushion, she realised that they were happy. They might be enslaved, but they were happy here, at Hogwarts. She watched the house elves scuttle around for a while, before Dobby came over with a ham sandwich for her. She thanked him, and ate in silence, still watching the house elves. Once she had finished, Dobby came over with her Hot Chocolate. After thanking him again along with the other house elves, she walked out of the kitchens and back towards her dormitory.

She had walked up the final set of stairs, when she walked straight into him. Practically the only person she felt safe around. Apart from, perhaps, the nurse. But you couldn't exactly fear Madam Pomfrey… right?

"Miss Granger, I was just looking for you. Could I have a word in my office please?" Inwardly groaning, she followed the Headmaster to his office.

Sitting down in the chair opposite Dumbledore, she stared around at the room. She noticed it looked a lot emptier than it had been before. The portraits on the wall were all staring at her curiously. Fawkes, who had been in Dumbledore's office the last few time she had visited, was nowhere to be seen.

"I'm going to be blunt with you, Miss Granger."

She nodded. She had been expecting that, the way he had been acting lately.

"This is going to come as a huge shock to you. I beg of you to let me speak fully. You may have your say when I have finished." She nodded again, albeit reluctantly.

"Very well. No doubt you remember the night your parents died?" She nodded, how the hell could she forget!? "Miss Granger, have you ever heard of the identity spell?" she shook her head, she had always been told there was no such thing. "This spell gives the caster the ability to change his or her looks. Along with other spells such as skin toning and hair dying, the caster can change their appearance enough to look like a different person. The spell makes the changes permanent, until the caster dies.

"During Voldemort's first rise to power, he had very many followers, as I don't doubt you know. You may also know, that Voldemort is extremely experienced in Legilimens. This, of course, gave him a great advantage, as anyone who was not mastered in Occlumency would be weak against him. This gave him power over many of his followers, as Occlumency is not a very popular magical ability; it is very difficult to master.

"Voldemort was able to enter his follower's minds to find the truth. One Death Eater was unfortunate enough to break one of the biggest rules made by Lord Voldemort. You see, he fell in love with a muggle born. Voldemort himself cast the Imperius curse on another muggle, a friend of the muggle woman the Death Eater had fallen in love with, and ordered him to rape and torture her. All this was done to bring the Death Eater back into the pack. One other Death Eater was assigned to watch over this.

"He was ordered to watch, then after this man had killed this woman, the Death Eater would call upon the original Death Eater. Voldemort had hoped that he would be so angry at the muggle, that he would come back to the dark side fully.

"However, he did not succeed. The muggle failed to kill her, for unknown reasons, but was in turn killed himself by the Death Eater Voldemort had assigned. After that day, the traitor was never seen again…

"As I have already stated, the identity spell is destroyed when its receiver dies. What I saw in your house that night, Hermione, was not the man you know to be your father, but the Death Eater, the traitor, who was thought to be dead."

She sat, staring wide eyed at him, shouting 'What!'s in her head.

He paused for a long while, allowing it to sink in. This meant that her father was a Death Eater. That also meant that her mother had been raped and tortured.

This either meant that she was not as muggle born as she thought she was, or that muggle, a friend of her mothers, was in fact her father.

"Hermione, your father loved your mother dearly. He cast the identity spell on himself, and gave himself and your mother a new life. I'm sure you have already realised that the man you considered your father, was not in fact your father. Your biological father, the muggle, was the one who was killed by the Death Eater.

"I had not realised this until I saw him. From speaking to Professor Snape, I found out that the Death Eater, the traitor, had gotten away unharmed, but his ally informed Voldemort of his 'death'. I may be a little rusty on the details, for he told me just after it happened. However, I do not forget a face."

Anger had spread through her like water through fingers. She wasn't sure who she was more angry at; Dumbledore for telling her this, her mother for not, her father for knowing and causing her pain for it, or her biological father for not resisting the Imperius. Even if these thoughts were somewhat ridiculous, she was thinking them.

Why was it that everything had happened to her lately? What on earth had she done to deserve all this? A life of pure hell. A life or torture, dislike and lies. She had always been an… honest person, who worked hard for what she had.

But everything she had, had been taken from her. Her best friends, her confidence, her personality. All were lost at the hands of the damn traitor! And Voldemort! The figure she had called father for years, and the figure the entire world feared above all else.

Dumbledore, Hermione noticed, was watching Hermione with a look of sympathy in his eyes. Unable to speak, she got up, walked to the door and practically ran down the stairs. Picking up her pace so she _was_ running, she ran down the halls of Hogwarts with no destination in mind. She could feel the tears prickling at her eyes, the anger still coursing through her and the shock finally starting to float to the surface.

Shit seems to have an annoyingly accurate timing in making itself apparent. Hermione was finding out, slowly, that when she wanted to be alone, she kept walking into people. But, when she needed people with her, to protect her and to love her, she was alone.

"Miss Granger!" someone called to her. Inwardly groaning she turned and looked around the empty halls of her school in search of the beckoning voice. She saw McGonagall walking towards her and groaned again. This had to be something to do with what had happened this morning.

"Miss Granger, I have your time table." _Oh, ok…_

"Thank you, Professor." And she smiled and walked away. _Weird_.

She realised she was on the ground floor, so seeing McGonagall wasn't _that_ big of a deal, really.

She walked out of the castle and into the grounds, still no destination in mind. Thoughts of her timetable took over, and she looked to see what subjects she was missing. Obviously, she had missed Transfiguration this morning. After that she had Charms, Defence and then Double Potions. Groaning inwardly, she looked down at her watch and saw, to her surprise, that it was time for lunch. Therefore everybody would be in the great hall.

She was still too shocked, angry and upset to go to lunch. And, she really wasn't hungry either. The sandwich Dobby had given her was forced down as it was; she had never been a huge fan of sandwiches, and the sick feeling in her stomach wasn't _just_ hunger.

She looked down towards the lake, and marvelled at it's beauty. The sun was high in the sky, and was shining onto the water, leaving it glistening. She then glanced towards Hagrid's hut, and a thought struck her like a bullet.

"Crookshanks!" and she headed towards the giant's hut.

When Hermione had taken Crookshanks home during the summer before forth year, her father had shown great hatred towards him. It was Hermione, of course, who was punished for this and warned to either get rid of the thing, or he would himself. She was given permission to keep him until she went to the Weasleys, which in turn wasn't a long time to wait, but had never dared take him back home.

She had bought up her worry of Crookshanks with Hagrid, one day near the end of term in fourth year. She had told him he wasn't allowed to go home because his father was allergic. Hagrid offered to look after him whilst Hermione was at home, and would give him back when she went to stay with the Weasleys. Hermione would be eternally grateful for this.

More importantly, how on earth had she forgotten him? She had been back at Hogwarts, for, what? Ok, so honestly, she didn't know how long, but it was long enough to go and collect her cat!

Sighing at the guilty feeling in the pit of her stomach, she rapped hard on Hagrid's door. She was more than startled to see it wasn't Hagrid who opened the door. It was Professor Grubbly-Plank.

"Oh! Er... hello. Where's Hagrid?"

"That is none of your business, can I help you?" Slightly put out by the tone of her voice, she went to ask…

"Er, yes. Hagrid was looking after my cat, Crookshanks, over the summer. Could I have him back please?" The professor raised an eyebrow, but turned back and pulled the door to. Hermione stood looking at it, thinking about how rude she was, but before her thoughts could be completed, the door was reopened and the professor reappeared holding her fluffy ginger cat.

"Crookshanks!" and she pulled him into her arms. "Thank you, professor."

She merely smiled and Hermione turned and walk back to the castle, wondering where Hagrid could be and why it was such a secret.

Looking at her watch, Hermione saw she had five minutes to go back to her common room, drop of her cat, collect her bag and get down to the dungeons. _Oh, hell, what does it matter if I'm late?_ And she made her way up to the Gryffindor common room.

Five minutes later she had arrived, unnoticed. She walked quickly up the stairs to her dormitory, put Crookshanks on her bed, checked her bag for her correct books, parchments, ink and anything else she would need for potions, and walked quickly out of the common room.

She'd have to thank Professor McGonagall for collecting all her needed books for her next time she saw her.

Another five minutes later, she was walking up to the door to the dungeons.

_Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. I'm late. I'm going to walk in there, everyone will stare at me like I have grown two more heads and Snape will take numerous amounts of points, give me detention…_ She suddenly realised she was pacing…_ fuck it. Fuck 'em all! _(((A/N: Sorry, had too, made me laugh. cheeky grin)))

She pushed open the door, ignoring the shocked looks around her, muttered an apology to Snape – who merely nodded – and sat down next to, to her shock, Neville Longbottom.

"Hey Hermione," he whispered.

"Hello Neville," she whispered back and smiled, he smiled back.

"Silence! Ok, today you will be working on a potion you will be brewing of your own free will. This potion will be one that you brewed last year. It can be any of the ones found in the last chapter of Magical Drafts and Potions. Today is the only lesson you will have to research, the rest will be done as homework. You will be working with the person you are sat next to." Snape looked around the room before his eyes stopped and his face turned into, what looked to be, a rather pained smirk. "Yes Malfoy?"

"Who am I working with?"

Hermione wasn't sure whether to feel sorry for him, or to laugh out right. He was sat in the front of the Slytherins by himself. Apparently, he had been disowned by his own house, as they kept sending glares at him, and laughed when he had said this.

"Ah, yes. I guess we do have an odd amount of Slytherins, do we not? Right. Go work with Potter and Weasley." He snapped and turned back to his desk.

Hermione watched in shock and disbelief as Malfoy made his way to set next to Harry, who just happened to be sat one chair from Hermione. _Great. Just bloody great._

Trying her hardest to ignore his stares, along with the one's from her two best friends, she turned to Neville.

"Right, any ideas?"

He seemed to pale considerably as Snape made his way through the mass of students, nearing them.

"Neville!?" she snapped, exasperated.

"Sorry" he said, blushing slightly.

"Right. So, any ideas?"

"Well, no."

She sighed. "Right, well lets just pick one that will be easiest to do, but get us a good grade, ok?" He nodded.

She leafed through the book until she came to the 'Fiducio Tribuo'. "This one doesn't look to difficult to brew, ingredients wise, but it takes specific measurements and cooking times. Lots of specific turns and degrees' and stuff. Fiducio Tribuo." she turned to Neville hopefully.

He looked confused. "That means 'to give confidence'. Basically the potion will give the drinker confidence, faith. Reassurance."

"How did you know that?"

How did she know that? She must have seen it in the book… right?

"Erm, well it's written right there, in the description" she said to him, trying to convince herself more than him. Since when did she know Latin?

He shrugged. "Sounds ok to me."

"Good. So, if you make a list of the ingredients we will need, I will mark down what procedures, ok?"

After an hour of writing, her mind was starting to drift. She found herself thinking of what Dumbledore had told her earlier, and her temper flared. _Just because he loved her, she got punished. All because he sunk to slow as to become a freakin' Death Eater! I…this… oh my, this is so confusing! Why? How did Snape even know, if there was no one else present? What, did this Death Eater go shouting his mouth off to the others? Heh, when my mother got away? I'd like to see that bought up in a Death Eater meeting. 'Well, I only killed half of those I was supposed too'. Yeah right. So he must have been there. But…_

Her thoughts were cut off when Snape walked towards her. He smirked at her, but before he could say anything –

"It was you…" her voice was strong and filled with anger. He looked back at her, confusion replacing his smirk.

"Excuse me? Ten points from Gryffindor for your rudeness."

"It was; it was you. No one else was there. You wouldn't have known any other way!" she cried, standing up. She could feel the class's shocked stares at the back of her head but couldn't care less. Her eyes were starting to sting, and she blinked, releasing the tears.

"What on earth are you talking about? Sit down, Granger. Ten points from Gryffindor and if I need warn you again it will be one hundred!"

"How did it feel? How did it feel watching him rape her? Get some kind of kick out it? How did it feel killing him after he had done his job?" she said, her voice low so that only he could hear. He knew what she was talking about, his face was contorted with anger, and before she knew it, he had his wand pointed right at her.

She laughed, tears still rolling down her cheeks.

"Go on, do it." She said staring at him, her voice strong enough that it radiated around the room. She only vaguely saw someone run from the room. Her eyes still locked with his she continued – "Tell me, how did it feel to torture her. A helpless muggle. Think she was beneath you, because she had no magic blood? Tell me, why is it you killed him, but not her? Think you could come back for more?"

From the corner of her eye there was another movement in the room, and a voice. "Hermione…" it said, and she knew Harry was coming to _protect _her.

The fact that he was coming to her defence angered her even more and she clenched her fist tightly. "Sit down," she said coldly, still glaring at Snape, "I can handle this."

Before she could react, a hand had come down hard across her face.

She stared up at Snape in shock. "Don't talk of what you do not know!" he shouted, his face merely inches from hers.

"I hope you had fun." Her voice neat and deadly. She picked up her school bag and stormed from the room, tears still rolling.

* * *

REVIEW!!! Please :D And thanks to all my reviewers, and my beta! EQuasarus! Go check out his profile and read some stories ;)


	10. Mya

Author's Note**: Hey guys! I'm so sorry for the lack of updates. My first beta has been real busy, but I thought I'd upload the un-first-beta read chappie. It has been beta read by beta 2, and my great friend, anyways! I don't want to put an AN at the end of this chappie, so it all goes here. **

**Thanks to DragonStarGirl (or whatever) for beta-ing this for me, and being a great friend! Love ya loads! Also, thank you to all reviewers. Every single review that appears in my inbox, I read. They ALWAYS make me smile. Special thanks to "The Criticizer" for having nothing to criticize! :D Please don't forget to review!**

**I already have ch14 done and second-beta read, so it should be up tomorrow or the day after. Enjoy this, and remember my lil saying ;) Also, I am redoing the first few chapters… getting rid of the Harry stuff cause it is totally not HPF and I also changed Harry's summer grins sheepishly. Therefore, once I delete the earlier chapters, I'm not sure what will go on with Author Alerts so if you want me to email you when I update, leave your email address in a review. **

_..Previous Chapter…_

_The fact that he was coming to her defence angered her even more and she clenched her fist tightly. "Sit down," she said coldly, still glaring at Snape, "I can handle this."_

_Before she could react, a hand had come down hard across her face._

_She stared up at Snape in shock. "Don't talk of what you do not know!" he shouted, his face merely inches from hers._

_"I hope you had fun." Her voice neat and deadly. She picked up her school bag and stormed from the room, tears still rolling._

…

**_Mya_**

All thoughts incoherent. Nothing went through her mind. Anger coursing through her veins. She had never been so pissed in her life.

Yes, she was aware that her friends had run after her. Yes, she was aware that she saw Dumbledore walking towards the dungeons. Yes, she was aware that she was acting totally un-Hermione. And yes, she knew it wasn't just Snape she was pissed at.

Everything. Everything had gone wrong. Everything she had worked for, was crumbling around her. It all seemed so pointless. Why bother, when they all found out anyway? Why bother, when she got hurt anyway?

All her life she had worked hard to make her life somewhat substantial. She had never had that as a muggle, and she was determined to get it as a witch. She made great friends, had a… family, she was good in school, she studied hard. Her life was what she had always wanted it to be…

Except the abuse. But having everything else, made her able to forget about that. You had to have some bad to go with the good, right?

Now, she had lost everything. Her pride, her dignity, her courage. Her friends. The thing that had always meant most to her was trust, but it was as if someone just deleted it from the universe. Why was it, that when you allowed yourself to love, you always got hurt? Why did you always have to sacrifice something, to get something else back?

For that was what she had done. She had sacrificed everything to get what she wanted. She had lied to her friends so they would accept her. She had changed so people would accept her. She had become someone else, so that she would finally be accepted for who she was. But they weren't accepting her for who she was. Everything was a lie. She didn't even know who she was.

She lost.

She had lost her battle to be someone else. To forget her past, to forget her father, to forget her childhood. To forget that she didn't have one.

It was all coming back to her now. The childhood abuse. The rape. The murders. The kidnap. The torture. Voldemort. Draco. Harry and Ron. Snape.

It was too much to take.

She had broken.

-----

_"Catch me as I fall, say you're here and it's all over now, speaking to the atmosphere, no one's here and I fall into myself. This truth drives me into madness; I know I can stop the pain, if I will it all away._

_I'm frightened by what I see, but somehow I know that there's much more to come. Immobilized by my fear, and soon to be blinded by tears, I can stop the pain, if I will it all away._

_Fallen angels at my feet, whispered voices at my ear, death before my eyes, lying next to me I fear. She beckons me shall I give in?_

Upon my end shall I begin forsaking all I've fallen for? I rise to meet the end."

-----

Before she knew it, she found herself in the Astronomy tower. Completely alone.

She couldn't think. She was too blinded by emotions. Fear, rage, confusion, grief. She took a quill out of her bag, waved her wand at it, muttering a spell she didn't recognise, and picked up the knife that had appeared.

She pulled herself up onto one of the window ledges, one leg on each side so one was hanging out the window, and pulled up her skirt slightly. Enough so that it wouldn't be visible.

And she sliced. Harder than before. All her emotion flowing into the power of the thrusts.

She didn't feel the pain.

Anger slowly ebbing away, she looked down at her leg, covered in blood. It didn't ring clear. She stared at it, marvelling in its beauty. The rich crimson colour that shone only slightly lighter in the light.

It wasn't enough. It didn't get rid of the pain, the grief, and it only managed to lessen the anger.

She rolled up her sleeve, and dragged the knife across the top of her wrist. She watched as the blood trickled down her arm. The gash was deep, deeper than ever before, yet she was still in pain.

So, she turned her arm over, and dragged the blade from her wrist, running it parallel to the sides of her arms.

She laughed. This could kill her. Yet, she didn't regret it. She stared at the wound, watching the blood trickle. The contrast against her skin was amazing. She never knew blood could look this way. She wasn't scared.

She could hear footsteps outside. Someone was coming.

They opened the door. In ran Draco.

He stared at her in shock. His eyes watering, his body shaking. He knew what she'd done. "Hermione…"

A cold laugh escaped her lips. She could feel her life ebbing away as the dizziness overtook her, and she passed out.

-----

_I tried to kill the pain, but only brought more. I lay dying and I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal. I'm dying, praying, bleeding and screaming. Am I too lost to be saved? Am I too lost?_

_My wounds cry for the grave, my soul cries for deliverance. Will I be denied Christ, tourniquet, my suicide?_

-----

She awoke in the hospital wing. Unfortunately. She knew she was there, even though she hadn't opened her eyes.

She could vaguely hear muffled footsteps from around her. Muffled cries to her left. Somebody was crying. Crying for her.

What had she done? She had tried to kill herself! She had committed suicide! Almost. She was alive. Alive, but weak.

"I can't believe she'd do this."

"You saw how pissed she was!"

"No. It wasn't just that. She wouldn't try to kill herself from that. It takes a lot of guts to do something like that. You need to be in a lot of pain. I guess everything hit her when she left, and she couldn't handle it. She's been though so much. It's not fair."

Silence…

"Don't look at me like that."

"How do you know that? Why is it you know her better than we do?"

"I've been there."

Silence…

"Will you stop looking at me like that!?"

"Is she going to be ok, Professor?"

"Yes. She's going to be fine. But she lost a hell of a lot of blood. The first two cuts were enough to send her unconscious, the third…"

"I can't believe Hermione would do this. It seems so unreal."

"There's a lot about her you don't know."

"Yes, thank you. I know that. We all do. I just don't see why. I mean, it's so stupid! If she was in so much pain, why add to it?"

"It helps get rid of the emotional pain."

Silence…

"He's right. It might seem stupid to you, but it does help. Trust me. When things get too much to handle, it's nice to be able to feel some other kind of pain. That pain becomes the source of pain, and the other sort of dies away, almost."

"I guess it wasn't enough"

Silence…

"Don't tell me you two are suicidal too!"

"This isn't a joke, Ron!"

"I'm not laughing! You do realise what you just told me?!"

"I'm not thinking about myself at the moment."

"I can't take this. First Hermione, then you, then _you, _then Ginny, then Hermione again! When is it going to stop!?"

"It doesn't."

Silence…

Guilt. That's what she felt. How could she be so stupid? So selfish?

Tears were running down her cheeks. She was surprised nobody had noticed she was awake.

She plucked up the courage –

"I'm sorry" she whispered, her voice loud enough for the others to hear.

Silence…

The tears became more. What if they never forgave her? What if they thought she was a freak for what she did?

"Me too."

_What?_

"What? Why?"

"I'm sorry you had to see your parents die. I'm sorry you had to see Voldemort. I'm sorry I let those Death Eaters inside the castle that night."

"Harry! That wasn't your fault. None of it was!" yelled… Ron?

"Yes it was! If she wasn't my friend, none of this would've happened, Ron." His voice was flat, dead almost. "This is my fight, not hers!"

She sat up, still weak, and turned to him. Fear spread through her as she looked at Harry, and Ron. She ignored it.

"Harry, it wasn't your fault. You know it wasn't. You had nothing to do with my… parents. Harry, I know the risk of being your friend. I know I'm a target on Voldemort's hit list. But, I would never drop you as a friend, just because the risk of dying is higher. You mean more to me than you will ever know. You too, Ron. Nothing that has happened was your fault Harry. Don't think like that. It wasn't you who did it to me." (

"But –"

"No buts! Can't you just listen for once? This isn't just your battle any more! The whole of the light side are fighting against him. I'm a Muggleborn, remember? That makes me even higher on his hit list!"

"But –"

"HARRY JAMES POTTER! If you do not shut the _fuck_ up I will hex you all the way to _Hogsmeade_!"

Well, that definitely shut him up.

"Thank you." She smiled at her two best friends. "I love you two so much, you mean so much to me. Thank you for always being there, even if you didn't realise it."

They both smiled at her and pulled her into a hug.

Then it hit home.

"Wait! What did you mean, when you said 'Ginny'?!?!"

"Miss Granger! You're awake!" Madam Pomfrey called as she came from her office and spotted Hermione.

"Apparently…"

"Everybody, OUT! Now! Go on, Miss Granger needs rest!"

They both looked at her to say bye, then walked out of the hospital wing. Draco followed.

Hermione groaned.

"Why do I ALWAYS end up here?!? Alone!"

"Well, It was you who put yourself here this time, Miss Granger…"

Silence…

Ouch.

"Take this," she said, passing Hermione a dreamless sleep potion. She gratefully accepted and chugged it down.

Her already weak body reacted quickly to the potion and she fell into a dreamless sleep.

…

Apparently, self-inflicted injuries were un-healable. How ironic! Wizards and witches just happen to be the most… powerful humans in the universe and they can't even heal cuts?

Not that she wanted them healed; she just didn't want to walk around with a bandage on her wrist. It was almost as if she was shouting 'Hey, look at me, look at me! I tried to kill myself, but didn't succeed!' just for attention.

They'd always serve as a reminder. A reminder that no matter what, there was always someone who loved her. Well, hopefully. They'd serve as a reminder about what she did that night.

That didn't mean the pain was gone. She may have lessened it, but it was so great that it was still eating her from the inside. Nobody realised. She was back to putting the "I'm perfectly ok!" act back on.

There was only one person who could see through her still evident façade. Hmm, not so perfect anymore, eh?

When she had woken, two days later, she was again surrounded by her friends. They were so happy to see her awake that no one ever mentioned anything about what she had done to herself that night. Or the pain she had been in and why she had done it. They seemed to think she was perfectly fine.

Draco, who seemed to be sticking around an awful lot, seemed to be able to see right through this not-so-perfect façade. His thoughts were confirmed when he walked into the hospital wing the same night she had woken up, to speak to her.

She was on her bed, hugging her knees close to her chest, her head bowed so she was crying mercilessly into her covers.

"Hermione, stop acting like everything is ok, you're obviously not and that is more than understandable!" he said as he sat behind her on her bed, holding her tightly.

"It is; I'm fine."

Well, that was a stupid, pointless thing to say, was it not? She could almost _hear _him rolling his eyes.

"I can see through you, Hermione. It's eating you up from the inside. You've got to stop putting extra strain on yourself by acting like everything is fine around your friends and professors!"

She cried even more, and turned her head so it was almost buried in his chest… again.

"It's not just me! Nobody has said anything about what happened that night. I'm not the sort of person to bring up my feelings!"

"Why not?"

Silence… she couldn't quite bring herself to tell him why. Even though her reasons were quite… well... reasonable, they sounded rather lame and pathetic when voiced.

"Hermione, why don't you like to speak about how you feel?"

"Because… because if I speak about it, it makes it real. It means I'm accepting it, and I don't want to accept it. I can't." she cried. "And because it makes me feel as if I'm begging for attention," she said in a hoarse whisper. He heard every word.

"I know. That's how I felt. But I had no one to share my pain with. Hermione, you do! You have three of the best friends anyone could ever ask for! You need to talk to them, before it destroys you completely. I couldn't bare it if you tried to kill yourself again."

"You were right, you know. About what you said that night."

"What did I say?"

"When you said that it wasn't just Snape. Everything sort of hit me; it was like the final straw. I couldn't take any more. But the pain wouldn't go, no matter how I hard I tried to make it. I needed it to end."

He said nothing, he just held her tighter, rocking her slightly as she cried. He did, of course, know exactly what she meant when she had said that.

.

They stayed like that until Hermione fell asleep. Madam Pomfrey came out of her office a few times, saw Hermione crying and walked away again. This time, when she came out, she saw Hermione was asleep.

"I hope you're not planning on leaving." She said to him and managed to shock the hell out a certain blonde-haired Slytherin.

"Well, I'm not exactly going to sit like this all night!"

"No, you can sleep with her. She needs you, Draco. You may not realise, but you are the only person she has let in. The night you brought her here, she needed you. You were there for her like you are now. And she seems to be able to sleep with you around, too." She said looking at Hermione curiously.

"So, what do you suppose I should do?"

"I told you, sleep with her."

"In her bed!?"

"Yes!" she said exasperated.

"Isn't that going to look extremely… dodgy if anyone comes in?"

"Probably," she said calmly.

"Oh for Merlin's sake!" And he pushed the covers from under them, laid Hermione down so she was lying next to him with her head on his chest, and his arm around her waist, and pulled the covers back over them. "Happy?"

"Yes, thank you." And she walked off.

He groaned, but fell into a pleasant sleep.

…

"We should leave them."

"I agree. Mr Malfoy hasn't been sleeping much lately. I keep catching him walking around the school after curfew, and he's been very unfocused in classes."

A laugh.

"I don't doubt that, after what happened to him. Or her, for that matter. She seems very happy there."

"She sure does." That had to be Dumbledore, amusement evident in his voice. "I should be off, Poppy. I'm late for breakfast as it is."

"Very well, Professor."

Confusion. What the heck was going on? And where was she? And why was she so comfortable? She hadn't been comfortable since… probably last night when Draco…

Firstly, where was she? She thought hard and realised she had been in the hospital wing the last time she was awake. Which meant she was there now.

She moved to sit up, but her body was still too weak. It was then she realised there was somebody next to her. Turning her head slightly, she saw it was Draco.

She noticed that he wore a completely different expression when he was sleeping. There was none of the Draco Malfoy that she knew and hated. He looked content, and without the oh-so-familiar scowl he usually bore, he looked somewhat harmless. She smiled, realising he had stayed with her last night.

"Go back to sleep, Miss Granger." Hermione didn't even realise that the nurse had been standing in the room. She was watching Hermione, with a knowing smile on her face.

Hermione returned a curious look, which made her laugh.

"I'm sure you heard the conversation. Neither of you have been able to sleep without the aid of a potion. Last night you both slept straight for eight hours."

_Really. So?_

"So?"

"So, take advantage of the fact! At least stay there for him, anyways. I guarantee he will wake up if you try to move. And you really need your rest, Miss Granger. You have no idea how much of a critical condition you were in, how close you were to dying. You need to get your energy back up, too, so the headmaster expects to see you for supper in the great hall. That gives you a good twelve hours to rest."

"… ok."

And she lay back down in the position she woke up in, and fell back into a peaceful sleep almost instantly.

…

"Hermione?" Hermione found herself being shaken awake. When she looked at who was waking her, she saw it was Draco.

"Miss Granger, it's time for you to get dressed and go down to supper." That was Pomfrey.

"Who are you and what did you do with Madam Pomfrey?" she said, slightly shocked at her nurse.

"Excuse me?"

"You usually make your patients stay in here until they are fully healed."

"Yes, well, as weak as you still are, the headmaster insisted you eat. He seems to think your absence is causing a lot of rumours about Professor Snape killing you because of your little explosion in class a couple of weeks ago. And coupled with the knowledge that you have spent more time than even Mr Potter in here, well… I guess you are seeing my soft side. It is now 8.30pm, please be back by 10pm." She smiled.

"Right. So, how long have I been in here?" Hermione asked curiously.

"Erm… thirteen days now, I think. Yes, nearly two weeks."

"Wow." That was unexpected. "Ok, I should get dressed." She looked pointedly at Draco, who seemed to get the hint and left the wing. She quickly got dressed, thanked Pomfrey, and walked out of the wing.

Draco had been waiting outside for her, which she appreciated.

"How long was I asleep for, before I woke up the first time?"

"Erm, about a week and a half. Madam Pomfrey refused point blank to let anyone apart from myself and the professors into the hospital wing. They also refused to tell your friends what had happened, so it came as a bit of a shock to them when they walked in and saw the bandages on your arms. That's actually when you woke up."

She nodded. "And Ginny?"

His face hardened incredibly, and he refused to look at Hermione.

"Draco? What is it? Is she ok?"

"She's fine… now. Look, Mya, it's not my story to tell, ok? She'll be coming tomorrow for your birthday so you can ask her then. She's staying until Wednesday, so you will have a chance to catch up."

"What do you mean she's 'coming for my birthday'. Where is she now?"

"St Mungo's." She froze in her paces, and saw he did too, almost as if he'd expected it.

"What?" her voice shaky.

"You heard. I'm not telling you anymore, ok? Come on, you need to eat."

"Ok… wait! What did you call me?"

"Erm… I don't remember. Hermione?"

"No, you called me Mya."

"If you knew, why did you ask?" She shrugged. "Well I must say I have a habit of shortening names." He chuckled.

"Hmm… but why Mya?"

"Her-mya-knee. Makes sense really."

"Yes… I quite like that."

"Enough with the name talk," he said, amusement in his voice. "We are about to walk into a great hall, half-full of students who think you are either dead, or missing." She frowned.

"Missing?"

"Yes, you haven't been around for just under two weeks, and none of the professors would comment on where you were. Some students started sending rumours around that you had been attacked by Professor Snape and then run away."

"Why all this about Professor Snape?"

"Your little yelling contest shocked the heck out of everyone in our class. It spread around like wild fire because of a few Slytherins and their big mouths." She decided to let the second comment go.

"Right, well… ok."

"Brace yourself."

"Ugh, can we just go back to the hospital wing?"

"No, you need to stop the rumours."

"Great."

"Come on, Mya," and he pushed open the doors to the great hall. It wasn't completely full, thank Merlin, but everyone turned to stare at them. Hermione walked over to the Gryffindor table. She sat down, when Draco sat down next to her and started piling food on her plate.

"Draco? Why are you sitting here?"

"I was re-sorted" he replied, bitterness evident.

"What!? That's not possible! Houses are permanent!"

He smiled sadly at her. "I guess I was a special case."

She frowned, but decided to drop it, and ask him later.

Supper was an interesting affair. She had trouble eating, however. One spoonful of mashed potatoes and she felt sick, so she just stopped eating and drank from her goblet. Probably because she hadn't eaten in two weeks, and even then she had only had a sandwich, in which she hadn't eaten for weeks before that. She'd started to lose count.

A lot of people asked her where she had been for all this time, but she refused to comment. She kept her sleeves over her bandages as to not attract suspicion. She talked to everyone, when they weren't asking her questions she didn't want to answer. The annoying thing was that she kept receiving suspicious and curious stares. She had told herself she would not look at Snape, or any of the teachers.

"Hermione?" She looked up to see Neville. "What happened that day in potions?"

"Nothing. It was just something… well. Just nothing ok?"

"That wasn't nothing, Herms," said Dean, who was currently listening into the conversation.

"Look, Dumbledore told me something that pissed me off. I realised Snape was connected, and I just … got mad, ok?"

"What did Dumbledore tell you?" That was Seamus.

"What's that to you? It's none of your business, is it?" She was starting to get angry.

"Sorry," he replied.

"Since when have you been called 'Herms'?" She turned around to see Draco eyeing her, amusement in his eyes.

She scowled. "You're not the only one who likes to shorten names. They've been calling me that for a year now. Only Harry and Ron know _not_ to call me it."

He laughed. "I prefer Mya."

"Lucky for you, so do I."

"I'm finished here, are you ready to head back to the hospital wing?"

"Yes. Why, are you coming with me?"

"Madam Pomfrey wants me to take you back."

"Oh, ok. Let's go. Bye guys," she said, looking pointedly at Ron and Harry, and scowling humorously at Dean and Seamus.

…

They walked back to the hospital wing in a comfortable silence. Supper had lasted until just past 10. They arrived at the hospital wing late…

"Thank Merlin you two are ok! When I said 'be back by 10pm' I did mean it you know! Hermione, you shouldn't be out of bed!"

"Sorry professor," she replied in a soft whisper, her arms crossed over her chest.

"Ok, now get back to bed."

Hermione walked over to her bed, took off her robes and shoes so she was comfortable and sat under the covers.

Draco was sat on the bed next to hers. He looked as if he was dreading something, but she didn't know what.

"Draco?" He looked up. "Thank you," she smiled.

"For what?"

She shrugged. "For being there. Even when I threw it all back in your face," she replied guiltily.

"That's ok. I guess I should thank you too."

"What for?"

"For trusting me, after everything I've done, I did, to you through the years. And for being there for me too".

She had to ignore that comment. Trust wasn't too high on her list of favourites right now.

"Draco… why were you re-sorted?"

His face hardened and she immediately felt guilty.

"After I admitted my betrayal to both my father and the dark lord… I became the traitor of Slytherin. I kind of got beat up the first day back and so Dumbledore had to re-sort me to keep me safe." He snarled.

She sat in shock at what he had admitted.

"Come and sit over here." She patted the bed beside in front of where she sat. He looked over, got up and came and sat next to her.

"Why did you betray your father?"

He looked away…

"Draco? Draco, you can tell me… you must have told Dumbledore otherwise he wouldn't trust you. Draco, why did you betray your father? What did you mean when you said you had tried to commit suicide? Why the sudden change?"

"It's not sudden," he hissed. "And when did I say I tried to commit suicide?"

Slightly taken back by his tone – "You didn't… you said 'you'd been there'."

There was a long pause…

"I was never good enough for him. It started off small. Like when he tutored me before Hogwarts, and I couldn't get things right. He'd say I was stupid, and that I wasn't going to be good enough to be a Malfoy if I couldn't even do this. Then, when I was 8, my mother bought me a puppy for my birthday.

"I loved that puppy… he was my best friend. The only person who I could talk to. The only person who loved me. My father never showed me any love. Malfoy's aren't allowed to feel.

"One day, things got so bad, that I had to be punished. My father wouldn't hit me, it was too easy. He'd done it countless times before and I – and I quote – 'failed to learn the lesson'. He had to do something to really hurt me, something that would get my attention. I think it's obvious what he did…

"I loved that puppy so much, and he killed it. He killed it to punish me. He killed my best friend because of me." Tears were running down his cheeks, but Hermione knew he hadn't finished.

"After that, I swore to never love anything ever again. That was hard. I wasn't my father; I had feelings. After that, punishment would be abusive. He'd hit me for dropping a potion. He'd cast the Cruciatus on me for stepping out of line.

"When I started at Hogwarts, my father wanted the best from me. He didn't expect it, but he wanted it. Malfoy's were the best known pure-blooded family in England. I had to be at the top of my classes… the most popular… teachers pet. I wasn't. He'd punish me.

"After the dark lord's return, things got really bad. He could barely look at me, most times. I disgusted him that much. It was normally after meetings, for most were at Malfoy Manor. Father and the Death Eaters would be drunk. I'd be highly punished for the smallest of things, but the things my father did to me weren't enough. He didn't think that what he was doing was enough to make me realise that I was useless.

"It's stupid really. Making me feel useless wouldn't make me any smarter. But, I think father hated me so much that he though of me as a piece of Muggle born crap. By this time, it was the end of fifth year.

"As I said, Death eater meetings were the worst. Father wouldn't deal with me after, 'cause he was too busy fucking the Dark Lord. He'd let the other Death Eaters deal with me." He was crying harder than before. She put a hand on his shoulder, but he flinched and moved away as the memories tore at his mind. Then it hit her… what the other Death Eaters had done to him. The tears she didn't know she had started coming harder as she thought about how hard his life must have been.

"I wanted to prove to him that I could be a Malfoy. That I was worthy. He set me the task to kidnap you. That went wrong immediately. I never expected to walk in on what I did. My Malfoy act fell immediately, and I was me. I had to get you safe. Get you healed.

"By the time you had been healed as best as possible, I had already told my father some bullshit that I don't even remember now. He replied telling me that the floo network was covered. I could floo you. I did.

"I was rewarded for that, you know. I got to be the one who took you to Voldemort." Sarcasm. "Everything was ok, until you escaped. I had to be punished. Father thought that hitting me, torturing and raping me wasn't enough. He had to really hurt me, to make up for what I had done.

"I told you that Malfoy's weren't allowed to feel… well, my father was heartless. He wasn't entirely sure how to punish me, so he just cast a few Cruciatus' here and there… threw a few punches. By the time he had finished I could hardy move. My mother healed me, took care of me.

"But he caught her. And that was when it became her fight too. He tortured her like he had me… and made me watch. After that, he killed her with Avada.

"That one action changed me forever. I couldn't be that person he wanted me to be, I never could. Me whole life had been an act, an act I put on to fool my father and everyone else. No one, not even my 'close' friends new who I really was. What I really felt."

A cold laugh escaped his lips. "It gets worse. Father had been working on a spell. One that would cause pain. One that would weaken by making one relive their worst memories.

"He cast it on me.

"At that point, I broke. I had to get out." He had moved so he sat in a ball on the bed, rocking back and forth, crying painfully, silently, and staring at the nothingness ahead of him.

She moved to hug him, tears cascading down her cheeks. He seemed to realise that she was crying, because he uncurled himself and looked at Hermione.

They made eye contact immediately. He saw the tears and tried in a futile attempt to dry the tears. His legs were now crossed. He pulled her onto his lap and she rapped her legs tightly around his torso as she cried heavily onto his shoulder. He did the same to her, burying his head in her hair. Clinging to her to gather strength.

They sat that way fir a while, until Hermione had stopped crying angrily. He then spoke again.

"Cutting had always been a way to escape everything. It helped me push my emotions back. Things got really bad during summer, and I'd cut myself more, and the cuts would be deeper.

"After my father killed my mother, I tried to kill myself, but I was too cowardly. I just ended up making a big mess on my cream carpet." He said with a bitter laugh.

"You are so much stronger than I am, Hermione. I respect you for that. I understand why you do it, honestly I do. But you need to stop. Because… when it gets too much, and the pain doesn't leave, you end up doing stupid things like slitting your wrists. I couldn't bear it if I lost you, Hermione. I don't know why… but I feel like you are the only one who understands me. You are the only person I trust, other than Dumbledore.

"Please, don't do anything stupid again. Promise me. I never told anyone some of that. About the spell. Not even Dumbledore."

His body was shaking with suppressed sobs. She tried to comfort him, but the effort was made futile by that comment. She couldn't promise him that.

"Please, Mya," he said, begging her, looking deeply into her eyes.

"I don't make promises I might not be able to keep, but I can sure as hell try, Draco. I'll try, honestly I will, but you need to stop too. You need to stop cutting. We can do this together."

He laughed at her. "We sound like a soppy romance novel."

She smiled, but something still wasn't right. "I still don't understand… why did you get re-sorted? Why did the Slytherins turn their backs on you? Why do they hate you so much?"

He was saved the trouble of answering. It seemed that as soon as she had asked that, her body went rigid.

"Mya?!!?" A blinding white light hit her eyes, before she fell into complete darkness.

……

Reviewers get a cookie!

**And finally, a quote from Emma: _"... It made me think about the fact that Hermione uses her books and her schoolwork as a comfort blanket. It's like a mask, so she doesn't have to deal with any emotions or get homesick or anything. She can just cover it all up by being clever."_ How correct she is ;)**


	11. Reliving Curse

Author's Note: I think all the reviews I got were from new readers! How so very strange yet great!

Sofa Girl: That's the longest review I have ever read! I must ask you how you can say that it is impossible to rape a guy. How the hell did you figure that out? I mean, think about it. How do two gay guys have sex? It's the same thing yet forced, and probably a hell of a lot more painful. I can't believe I missed out that sorting hat thing. I guess I'll have to sort something out for that… I'm currently writing ch16 and… that's all I'm saying without ruining it ;) Heh, all subplots are to be revealed ;) I also don't have a clue what you were talking about when you reviewed ch6, but I think that might have been one of the things I made a mistake on… maybe.

Lanhar, F75 – Thankyou!

_--------------------------------------------_

WARNING: Rape descriptions in this chapter, along with mentions of child abuse. Read if you wish. I personally rate this chapter R. So please think about what you are reading.

_----------------------Previous Chapter----------------------_

_She smiled, but something still wasn't right. "I still don't understand… why did you get resorted? Why did the Slytherins turn their backs on you? Why do they hate you so much?"_

_He was saved the trouble of answering. It seemed that as soon as she had asked that, her body went rigid. _

_"Mya?!!?" A blinding light his her eyes, before she fell into complete darkness._

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**Reliving Curse**

There was only one word for it: strange. It seemed as if her entire body had gone into unconsciousness, but her mind was as alive as ever. She couldn't move a muscle, yet she could hear the noises around her clearly.

"Mya? Mya!" Draco kept shouting her name over and over. She couldn't feel him touching her, shaking her with fear. She couldn't sense Madam Pomfrey bustling around her, trying to find the source of the problem. All she could her were the voices, the noise of shuffling feet and she sound of fear.

Pomfrey wasn't making any noises, wasn't talking in the slightest. Draco seemed to be crying, and kept telling Hermione that she was ok.

Suddenly, the door to the hospital wing burst open… at least it sure sounded like it did.

"Hermione!?" That was Ron, she was getting used to not being able to hear the sources of certain voices… she had never realised how well she knew her best friends.

"Shit! We're too late." Pause… "Draco, have you ever heard of The Reliving curse?"

"Yes, why?" Bitterness was evident in his voice.

"Harry had another vision."

"The Death Eaters were encircling Voldemort, getting ready to do something. He called upon Lucius Malfoy, asking about final touches to the Reliving curse. I can't remember much; it's all getting fuzzy now. But he said that it was Hermione's turn to suffer."

Silence… she could hear someone pacing back and forth, fast. They sounded mad.

"I remember those two death eaters casting a spell on Hermione before they activated the Portkey. It was 'Recognosco'. Draco… what does this spell do?" said Harry, fear and surprise in his tone.

He seemed to be finding the perfect way to word what he was about to say, for there was a long pause before – "It does exactly what it is named for. It makes you relive…"

"Relive what?"

"It all seems so clear now. Dumbledore asked Hermione what had happened after I kidnapped her… she didn't remember. They must have cast the spells then… but didn't have time to set a date. So that is why they attacked her in the castle…"

"What are you talking about!?" yelled Harry.

"It was a spell made by my father. It took months to perfect… but he did. They take a certain situation… and cast some spell to make you forget it… but relive it later. They then ransack your mind… and take from it your worst fears… you worst memories… and make you relive it all in the space of… well I'm not sure… it was too hard to tell."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

He let out a bitter laugh. "I was my father's test subject."

"I don't understand."

"It'd hard to explain. During the summer, he was asked to create a spell… something to torture. He did so, using me as his test subject. But… I think he was feeling creative.

"The curse does exactly what it is meant to. It makes your relive the worst parts of your life… in so doing, torturing the mind and soul. The soul can take slow pain, but when it all hits you at the same time, it can have disastrous effects.

"My father spent the first month of summer finding this curse. Trying to perfect it without causing any… harm. Once he was sure it would work, he tested it on me. I told you he killed my mother… well that acted as a 'worst memory'. He knew my fears… I didn't. He then told a small selection of Death Eaters about the spell, and how to cast it. I don't know what it was, or how they cast it. My father and the death eaters took me into a room. After that, I don't know what they did… at least I didn't.

"Not until I was made to relive it.

"It happened really suddenly. I suddenly couldn't move… I could hear everything around me... anticipation to see if the curse worked. But I couldn't move… I couldn't physically feel. I don't know how long I was like that… but then I went really dizzy, which seemed strange 'cause I was in total darkness.

"Then… everything was played back to me. What the death eaters did to me… my mother's murder… all the murders I've ever seen, the tortures I've seen… my worst fears in act."

Silence… her breathing was heavier, and she was scared. She'd been through so much… she wasn't sure her 'soul' could possibly take this.

"What happened when it was over?" Pomfrey?

She could feel the dizziness taking over, like he had said, but she was trying to stay focused.

"I think my heart was hardened by all I had seen in my life… those few hours were hell… but they didn't kill me. When I was fully awake… all my father cared about was if the spell had worked… which was obvious from the state I was in. I could hardly walk from the feeling of the Cruciatus cast on me multiple times. I had cuts and bruises all over my body, broken bones… that weren't there before… that I had obtained from the death eaters. They're ruthless… nothing is too sick for them… they don't stop… not until you can't move any more and the fun evaporates into boredom.

"I couldn't move for hours after… I was escorted to my room. For some reason my body didn't want to sleep… I just ignored everything. My body, mind and soul refused to acknowledge anything. It was strange… but I was in a place where no one could hurt me. When I got out of it… I tried to kill myself… but didn't succeed. That was when I heard screams and went to save… her."

"Why can't you say her name?"

"'Cause Hermione is listening to this… I haven't told her what happened… and I don't plan to. I want _her_ too."

"She can hear us?" Ron?

"Yes, did you not listen to a word I said?! She may not be able to see or move, but she can hear everything."

She suddenly felt warmth… as if someone was hugging her… or similar.

"Hermione? We are here for you. Just remember that we all love you… and we can't leave you. Remember what we talked about."

"You make it sound like she's on her death bed!"

"Did… kill…" The sounds were fading… dizziness was overcoming her… she could feel her body moving… almost as if it was fitting…

"Don't touch…" Her mind closed down… images she'd never seen before overcome her.

-

She was in a room she had never seen before. It was cold and dark, yet warm and light. The only light was protruding from the fireplace, which was lit with a fire larger than normal. The room was average in size. She couldn't see the decoration for the room was too dark, but she could feel herself lying on a plush carpet.

_Looking to the left, she saw robed figures… looking to the right she saw more. Death Eaters. Their masks covering their faces. There must have been around 10 in total. Then a voice spoke out._

_"Ah, you are awake... at last. I feel my sons and daughters need… rewarding." He looked up to the death eaters. "I don't care what you do to her… but make sure you do not kill her. She needs to get her… what is the saying… just desserts?" _

_As the figure stalked out of the room, leaving… she counted… 8 death eaters. They started removing their masks. _

_Faces bore down on her, each with hungry looks in their eyes. Her stomach fell… there was no way to escape this. One stepped forward… one she recognised as Lucius Malfoy. _

_He walked around her, looking down at her in disgust. "Crucio!" It felt as if someone had poured hot lava into her blood… along with iced water. Someone was stabbing her with knives and pins. The pain was unbearable. _

_Once it had ebbed away, he looked down at her in disgust again before stalking out of the room as well._

_The death eaters around her laughed. "Looks like Malfoy found that playing with a piece of Mudblood crap like you was above his… ways? I guess that means more for us."_

_The figure walked forward and threw a kick at her side. He slowly got down onto his knees, looking at her in delight. Before she knew it, he was on top of her, pawing at her body… pinching, rubbing and punching all over. He stripped her of her top garments… leaving her half naked. _

_He looked down at her. "Impressive," he said, giving a smirk that told her he was going to like this, but she wasn't._

_He got up, and pulled her with him. He lifted up the hospital gown she was wearing, and pulled down her pants. In one swift move, he had pulled down the zip on his pants and was stroking himself. _

_Fear surrounded her… he was going to rape her… they all were. She was going to be used as their play toy like Voldemort had said, and there was nothing she could do about it. _

_Arms encircled her waist, and she tried to push him away. The struggle was futile… it just made him more aroused. _

_He thrust into her. The pain was unbearable… even more than it was the last time. She screamed out in pain. He laughed and started moving faster. Before she knew it he was finished, and she was a crumpled mess on the floor. _

_"Crucio!" The pain lasted a second. "Get up!" But she couldn't. "Crucio!" The pain lasted two seconds. "I said get up!" She looked around her. Faces were watching her every move. Boring down on her like some show clown. Laughing. Looks of lust and want in their eyes. _

_She finally found the strength to stand. It was then she realised that there were some women in the room. They were staring at her, looking her up and down… laughing at her. The men were looking at her body with want._

_One stepped forward. The fear started ebbing it's way back again. But it was slowly overcome with shock. It was Percy! Percy Weasley. He was a Death Eater. _

_"Hello Hermione," he purred, sardonically. He got close, closer than the other one. "My turn," he whispered in her ear. His hands roved all over her body, pinching and punching at her skin. He started to make his way down her body, towards her womanhood. She tried her hardest to push the shock away, she started struggling against him. But he was too strong, and he was too close. Again, before she knew it he was thrusting into her, getting some kick out of her pain._

_It was getting to her… she could hardly move. The next came in a blur of pain and emotion. Faces laughing…. Staring down at her intently. The next was a complete blur of pain… the next a blur of nothingness. A Cruciatus was thrown. She finally passed out._

_She was four. He father sat on the sofa, watching something on TV. She wanted him to play… he said no and told her to go away. _

_She was 8, surrounded by fellow classmates. They were laughing… pointing at her mockingly… bullying her. Calling her names… names they knew would hurt her… names that always made her cry._

_She was 9. The first time her father punched her._

_She was 10. Just before Hogwarts. She was cutting herself with a roast knife._

_She was at Hogwarts… Ron called her a freak with no friends… or something similar. She ran into the bathroom where she stayed until the got attacked by a mountain troll._

_She was 11… playing a game of wizards chess on the biggest board she had ever seen. Ron got pushed off his horse and knocked out._

_She was 12… petrified._

_She was 13… depressed from not talking to Ron… running from a big black dog… threatening Black… _

_14… worried about Harry… 15… at the ministry…_

_She was walking through a large hall… at the very end were what looked to be bunches of robes. She walked closer… they were her friends. On closer inspection she saw they were her friends. Ron, Harry, Draco… all her professors… Seamus, Lavender, Dean, Neville, Ginny, all the Weasleys… all brutally murdered._

_She ran as fast as her legs would carry her… nothing stopped her. There was no one around to do so. She looked around, ran into each of the classrooms. She was alone._

_Harry and Ron had their wands trained on her. They were looking at her with the utmost loathing. "Crucio!", "Crucio!". Punches and kicks were being thrown. She could barely move…_

_Then came the clearest memory of all…_

_"You!" _

_"What?" replied Hermione, trying to sound innocent even though she was._

_"You, I can't stand your cocky attitude, get over here now." Her mother leapt up as Hermione rose._

_"What's wrong with you?" she said. _

_"Her, she's so cocky. She was a freak before Hogwarts and she still is. She thinks she so good-" he did an imitation of a diva. "She doesn't know how lucky –"_

_"How dare you say that!" shouted her mother, while Hermione just stood there in shock. 'Cocky? Freak? He never sees me, what is he talking about?'_

_"You! Here! NOW!!" he shouted, pointing a wobbling finger at Hermione. Hermione went to move but her mother stopped her._

_"Don't even think about it, you've done nothing wrong," she said, looking at Hermione. Hermione saw her father walking up to them; she looked at him in shock and her mother turned around to face a fist. He punched her hard on the cheek. She fell to the ground._

_"This is all your fault. That would never have happened if you had never been born. You ruined everything." Hermione looked at her mother, she was out cold. She returned to her father and looked at him, trying to read his expression, and his mind. He was going to do something, something bad. She knew it. He was mad, madder than ever. And he was drunk. She made to run away but he pushed her back. She landed with a hard thud on the floor._

_"You ruined everything!"_

_"You ruined me!"_

_"You have no idea what you're talking about. You ruined your mother's and my relationship. We hid things, she knew."_

_"She knew what?"_

_"Everything! Why was she so defensive?"_

_"She loves me, she would be defensive!" He looked at her with a look of disgust. _

_"No one loves you, you filthy Mudblood." Hermione froze. How did he know that word? Had he read her mail? How could he say that to her, her own father didn't love her? He knew as well as she did that her mother loved her. But then why hadn't she stopped him hurting her, if she knew?_

_"How dare you call me that!?! You have no idea what that means. How dare you!" she shouted and went to get up. He kicked her hard in the side and she balled up in pain. _

_"Get up!" he shouted "NOW!" She rose. "Strip." WHAT!!!!!! Her mind was blank._

_"Excuse me!" She replied in a tone of complete disbelief._

_"You heard me, do it! NOW!" She did it. He laughed as he saw the look on her face. She was shocked, scared and humiliated all at once. He threw her down, and lay on top of her._

_"Get off me!!!" shouted Hermione as her father leaned over her. She was now struggling against him and his sadistic touch, hitting him with silly girly slaps that had no effect. Her strokes made it difficult for him to control her, however. She lay on her back hitting him with all her might; she didn't know what else to do. Here she was, laying naked in her living room, her mother unconscious only a few paces away, and her father on top of her, pawing at her body. _

She had to get out, get away from this! She hastily got up as he was unzipping his jeans. She ran out of the living room into the parlour where her clothes were, and picked them up running as fast as she could. She could hear his screams and his yells. He chased her through the kitchen and back into the living room.

_Suddenly, with a hard thud, she landed on the floor, tripping over her mother's legs. She could have cursed her if the situation had allowed her to. She turned over so her back as on the floor and looked up the broad man towering over her, casting a dark shadow on her. He pinned her down once again._

_After about a minute of her kicking and screaming, he shouted, "BITCH!" _

_Hermione stopped her struggling, and looked up at the man raping her with a look of revulsion and shock. She struggled to understand what was happening to her. She may be nearly 16 but she was still a virgin, and the person that was doing this to her was of all people, her own father! _

_Hermione lay there, frozen in shock as he pawed at her body, pinching her legs, stomach and breasts. She was used to this sort of pain, but this seemed 10 times worse than anything he had ever done to her. Suddenly she felt him force her legs open. Her mind was frozen, she couldn't think. Tears streaming down her face she yelled as he thrust inside her and continued violently. Her mind was numb but she could think, the pain of her breaking had bought her senses back, she knew what was happening. She screamed louder, as if hoping for someone to come and rescue her from the nightmare. _

_She waited, waited until he finished. 'How long can it take?' scrambled Hermione, the pain and shock taking over anything real._

_Here was a 16-year-old girl with a bad past. Her mother was laying near her unconscious, her father raping her. All she wanted was it to be over…_

_She was stood watching the scene before her in shock. Her father held a gun to his head… her mother was on the floor… she was leant over her trying to figure out what had just happened. The trigger was pulled and her father fell down dead.****_

_She was in the room… surrounded by Death Eaters again. They had revived her… they all loomed closely, getting closer by the second… two got hold of her, pinning her face down to the floor… she heard them all laughing… then it touched her skin, a knife… they were carving something into her lower back… she was screaming, flailing around uncontrollably… the pain was intense… even more so than the Cruciatus. The cuts were deep, and went on for what felt like hours… almost as if they were being precise about it… taking their time and care to put as much pain and hatred into each cut… each touch made her flinch… each second she feared them…_

_She was back in the astronomy tower… the anger flowed through her like wild fire… she had the knife… was cutting at her leg… her arms… she plunged the knife into her wrists and watched as her life flowed away…_

_-_

She could feel people restraining her… her legs were being held down… her wrists above her head…

It was then she realised it was over… the pain from everything hit her at once… she was struggling against those holding her down… fear that it would happen again… the pain in her back was the most… she arched her back, it couldn't touch the bed… she was screaming, praying for the pain to stop.

She was mumbling incoherently… the pain in her back was unbearable… the fear of those holding her down was overwhelming… the emotional baggage at seeing everything again… clearer than before… her rape… their deaths… her friends.

She had to get out… out of her own head… she wanted to run and hide somewhere… somewhere no one could hurt her.

So she did…

----------

She was aware that her friends were crying, that there was a nurse trying her hardest to heal her. She lay there, letting the nurse bustle around her, watching incoherently as her friends stood over her, crying. She was starring into nothingness, in a place where she felt no one could hurt her. She knew her attempt was futile; she hadn't gone anywhere. She was in her mind. She was in her mind, a mind numbed by the pain, the hurt, and all the emotions that overwhelmed her.

They sat and watched as Hermione relived the worst parts of her life. It felt like it had gone on for days, when in reality it was only hours. Every now and then, she'd scream out and they'd all jump out of their seats.

They couldn't touch her, which was what was so annoying about it. If they touched her, they'd be dragged into the spell, making it more painful for Hermione.

So they waited. They sat and waited, watching her in pain.

It was after nine hours of watching that it stopped. Her body went stiff. Draco told them that it meant it was over. But then she started kicking and screaming, muttering about her back. They had to hold her down; it wouldn't do to let her cause even more pain to herself.

Once they had hold of her, she started struggling even more, screaming at them to get off, begging for it to stop, and telling them she couldn't take any more. She wanted it to end. She started arching her back, muttering about her back again.

That was when they noticed it. There was blood all over her gown, down her back. The cuts that had been self-inflicted had opened again. She was bleeding between her legs and her face was bruised along with the rest of her body.

They all jumped off her, and she went limp. Her eyes dead, as if she'd given up.

Madam Pomfrey cast spells to find out what was wrong with her. It brought tears to her eyes.

"Multiple Cruciatus', multiple rapes, severely broken ribs and broken wrists, bruising all over, self inflicted cuts… those are the same as the ones before. They've reopened. And her back… it's severely cut," she said, confusion in her voice at the last two words.

They turned Hermione over, and all gasped in shock. Her robe was drenched in blood. Pomfrey summoned a knife, and cut open the hospital gown Hermione was wearing. She cast another spell to clear the wound of blood and dirt, and to stem the flow of blood.

What they saw made Pomfrey faint, and the others gasp in shock and anger.

Her back had the words 'Mudblood Whore' carved into it.

----------

Again, this chapter is only once beta-read. I can't be bothered to go through it again, so you'll have to enjoy it as it is J First beta-read should, hopefully, be up sometime…. This year, LOL!

I opened my Yahoo Group! Go join for updates and stuff.


	12. Empty World

Author's Note: Ok, ok. Those of you who reviewed continuously to tell me to update…. Well I had a couple of laughs (especially the one who told me she was gonna pull out her hair, and there was another who said she'd hurt me, and another who kept checking every day) but it did get annoying after a while. I told you I had a Yahoo group. I do use it! I posted two messages telling you guys why I hadn't updated, so I am not going to apologise. But if you want to know, go read it.

Ok, This chapter has been beta'd, but the next two have been sent and are hopefully going to be beta'd soon, but he's quite busy and tired and… well we'll see.

Without further ado….

* * *

….Previous Chapter….

_They turned Hermione over, and all gasped in shock. Her robe was drenched in blood. Pomfrey summoned a knife, and cut open the hospital gown Hermione was wearing. She cast another spell to clear the wound of blood and dirt, and to stem the flow of blood. _

_What they saw made Pomfrey faint, and the others gasp in shock and anger._

_Her__ back had the words 'Mudblood Whore' carved into it._

_

* * *

_

**Empty World**

A day…

Two days…

A week…

Two weeks…

And still Hermione hadn't returned from her own little world of nothingness. Most of the people around her could understand what was going on. Draco certainly knew what it was like, he had been through it, but his experience had only lasted a week or so. It took a large event to break him away, his father's distant voice telling him that he was leaving and that there was a Weasley in the Manor…

Harry could also sympathise with her… he understood the feeling of wanting to run away from everything and everyone.

Ginny was back from St Mungo's. Again, she knew what Hermione was going through.

All three, along with Ron, stayed with her the entire time. They only left to eat. They hadn't gone to lessons, and Dumbledore told them that he hadn't expected them to.

After two weeks, they were starting to worry… they all thought she should have at least moved. But there was no signs of life at all, she simply lay, unblinking and unfocused, her eyes void of all emotion. Her body had healed… they had all thought that once she had be fully healed he would have woken but there was still nothing.

Her self inflicted scars were the same as before; un-healable. But what was even more infuriating, were the cuts she had on her back. They were healable, but left bright white scars. They'd serve as a reminder for the rest of her life, as there was no way to hide them. Not even a concealment charm would work.

Draco began to try and think of what might bring Hermione out of her reverie. But he didn't know her well enough to know what might work. Of course Harry and Ron could think of nothing, voicing the fact that they didn't even seem to know her that well themselves.

So, he had to think from her point of view, thinking about the pain she had been in, the life she had had… and what she had done to run away. Like the time she had run out to the lake to watch the sun set…

Then it hit home. The sunset… he wasn't quite sure what it was about a sunset… but there was some beauty about it. Heck, it was worth a try… right?

"I have an idea. Ginny, could you get her dressed, something warm, preferably?" he asked. The other three in the room looked at him in confusion, but he ignored it and gave them a look that said 'don't ask'.

Ginny nodded and the three boys left.

"Draco, what…" but Harry was cut off.

"Don't ask. I'm not even sure if it will work yet." He said impatiently.

Ginny came out two minutes later, telling them that she had dressed Hermione and that Hermione had made no protests at all. This slightly unnerved them, but none of them voiced their thoughts.

Draco walked into the wing, and stood next to her bed. It was around 7pm so students would be around, but he would just have to ignore them. Trying to think of a place to take her other than the astronomy tower, he turned to the others.

"I need a place that will be void of any students, preferably somewhere high up."

"You could take her to Gryffindor tower?" said Ginny.

They all looked at her in disbelief.

"I'm serious! All of the rooms have large windows… if that is what you want. And they are high up… you could cast a locking spell, and us three could wait outside to make sure no one enters?"

"That's not a bad idea…"

So he picked Hermione up, wrapping her legs around his torso and carried her out of the hospital wing. He looked around, it was still light so they would almost definitely catch sunset.

Students were staring… it wasn't everyday the pure blooded Draco Malfoy carried the muggle born Hermione Granger through the corridors of Hogwarts, her three best friends on his tail. Not only that… but Hermione was crying. This, of course, was a good sign. It meant she was starting to feel again.

He just hoped the sunset would bring her out fully.

Hermione

And feel she could. The pain started ebbing its way back. Hermione was vaguely aware that Draco was carrying her somewhere, and that students were staring, but she couldn't really care less.

3rd Person

It seemed like hours later they had gotten to the portrait leading to their common room. Draco muttered the password, and they all walked in together. Everyone in the common room turned to stare at them, their mouths open in shock.

"What – what happened to Hermione?" asked Neville, who seemed to be the only one with the nerve to ask.

"She's stuck inside herself. Could everyone stay out the 6th year boys dorm please?" said Draco, walking towards the stairs.

They could all see she was crying, not moving in the slightest, but none of them had any idea what he was talking about. The shock of seeing the four of them, plus Hermione, in the common room was enough. They hadn't seen any of the four in the common room for at least two weeks.

"What do you mean, she's stuck inside herself?"

"Neville… I don't think you need to know what is wrong, but she's run away to get away from everything - we need to bring her back. Please don't ask any more questions, and if… when she comes down, please don't stare," said Ginny, softly.

He nodded, and the three followed Draco up to their dorm room.

He walked in, carrying her to the window that would give them a clear view of the sunset. He sat on the window so his back, and Hermione's face, was facing the sunset. It was already starting to go down, resulting in a vibrant mix of yellow, orange, red and pink protruding from the sun across the sky and lake.

He could feel the situation overwhelming him… the emotions threatening to over power. It was all getting too much.

There he sat, waiting, watching the sunlight dancing off of any shiny objects in the room, watching the shadows. She hadn't moved in the slightest, and Draco began to lose hope.

"Please, Mya. Come back, I need you." He cried into her hair, the tears running down his cheeks evident in his tone. He sat there for what felt like hours, rocking her, crying into her hair.

Once the sun had gone down, they were in darkness, the only light coming from the blinking stars in the sky.

"Please. Mya, please, just come back. For me, I love you, we all do. We need you. Please!" he cried again.

Hermione

As soon as he had sat down, Hermione had moved her eyes to watch the sunset. She was so comfortable in Draco's arms, she didn't want to move. Her mind was still not fully awake, so she couldn't have if she had tried.

She sat around for an hour watching the sunset, only slightly aware of Draco crying. The sunset was so beautiful. It held no pain, no anger, just beauty. Once it had gone, she was faintly disappointed. It was so beautiful and peaceful which made a change from the ugly, hectic and painful life she was living. She could feel Draco rocking her and she realised her body was starting to feel again.

Soon, she was bathed in darkness. The only light was from the sky, so she watched the stars. There was no moon. "Please. Mya, please, just come back. For me, I love you, we all do. We need you. Please!" cried Draco, hugging her tighter. She was the fully aware of where she was, whom she was with, what she watching. Where she had been… what had happened. She tried to push it all to the back of her mind. It felt as if the two weeks, which had only vaguely been aware of, had let her mind heal in the slightest, for the emotions were not so raw and therefore, she succeeded in pushing them back.

This didn't stop the feeling of pain, and sorrow deep inside her stomach, her heart. She could feel her eyes starting to sting, so she grabbed onto Draco tighter, hugging him with all her might. She moved to bury her head in his chest.

"Mya? Thank Merlin!" cried Draco. He pushed Hermione away from her, holding her at arms length, looking deep into her watery eyes. "I'm here for you, along with Harry, Ron and Ginny. We always will be. Never forget that," he said, tears running fresh down his cheeks. She nodded numbly. He smiled and brought her close to him again. "How are you feeling?"

She shrugged. She couldn't bring herself to talk. It was almost as if she held so many emotions that she couldn't speak, for fear of letting them all go.

"Come on, we need to get back to the hospital wing." She shook her head. She didn't want to go back there. "… Ok, but we need to go tell Pomfrey you're ok. You don't have to stay, we can come back here."

She wanted to stay here, with him, all night, but she knew he was right. She looked up at him, trying to seek to him through her eyes. She wanted to come back here, nowhere else. She didn't want to be alone in her dorm room. He nodded. "We can come back here," he said.

She smiled. He helped her up. Dizziness over came her for a while, and she clung to Draco. It slowly evaporated and she could walk. He took her hand and walked towards the door.

Feeling extremely vulnerable, she kept as close to, but behind, Draco as possible. When he opened the door she was greeted with her three best friends.

"Hermione!!" exclaimed Ginny, and immediately jumped and hugged Hermione. Hermione did notice how close she was to Harry, but that though had evaporated once Ginny had touched her. It wasn't just a flinch; it was a full on jump out of fright and fear. Ginny knew immediately what she had done. "I'm sorry. It's so good have you back, _Mya_." She said, looking pointedly at Draco when she said her name.

She then noticed her other two friends behind her, staring at her, with the biggest grins they had ever worn before. The slight pang of fear spread through her again, but she tried her hardest to push it back. They weren't going to hurt her; she knew that… so why did she feel so scared around them?

Damn Death Eaters.

"Er… right. We should get down to the hospital wing," said Draco.

So, they did. Hermione was still holding onto Draco's hand, and her grip was getting tighter with every move they made towards the common room. Her other three friends following behind them quietly. The noise from all the people in it was overwhelming, and she felt a wave of dizziness over come her. She stumbled, and fell towards the banister, grabbing hold of it to support her. Draco got hold of her, and started rubbing small soothing circles into her wrists to calm her, which, surprisingly, worked.

"Just breathe."

"What's wrong with her?" asked Ron.

"She's been in complete silence for two weeks… it must be the noise of from the common room," replied Ginny. "Maybe you should carry her, Draco," she added as an after thought.

All Hermione could do was melt into Draco, and nod to tell him that Ginny was right.

He laughed a little. "Want a chiggy-back?" he said, humourlessly.

"Chiggy-back? Isn't that a muggle saying?" said Harry. Draco just shrugged. Hermione nodded, and Draco helped her up. She jumped onto his back, smiling slightly as he hobbled his way down the stairs.

When they came into the common room, eyes slowly started turning towards them. Hermione tried her hardest to ignore them, but their stares brought a fresh wave of nausea. She hugged Draco around the neck tighter, and closed her eyes, trying to rid herself of their prying eyes. It reminded her of the Death Eaters, staring at her with lustful, almost serial killer-like looks in their eyes.

She shook her head, to rid herself of those memories and images.

"'S ok now, we're out of there," said Draco in a mere whisper. She opened her eyes and looked around, the corridors were almost empty, she was free of prying faces.

Still feeling vulnerable, she jumped off his back and grasped his hand tightly again. They then proceeded to the Infirmary.

"There you are! You had me so worried!" cried Pomfrey as they entered.

"Er… yeah, sorry 'bout that. Malfoy got an idea… looks like it worked," said Ron.

"So it did. It's good to have you back Miss Granger," replied Pomfrey. Hermione smiled. Pomfrey looked at her, as if sizing something up. "How are you feeling Miss Granger?" she asked, curiously, still looking at Hermione as if she was trying to figure something out.

Hermione just shrugged.

"Ah… stage two. Well, I guess that's a good sign…"

"What do you mean stage two?" asked Draco.

"I managed to figure out what was wrong with her. It has a name, and is extremely similar to the muggle term of depression. However, in the wizarding world, witches and wizards act differently to depression… where Muggles may act similar, we cannot diagnose a witch with a muggle illness. Therefore, I did some research and found out that Hermione has 'Casaus Terram'. It's Latin; it means 'Empty World'.

"The first stage is what we have already witnessed… the soul running from the body. Stage two is refusing to speak."

"Are there any more stages?" asked Draco.

"Oh yes… but none are so severe as the first two. Witches tend to get repercussions of what put them in that state in the first place… dizziness, nausea and most importantly, they feel disinclined to eat…"

"Why did you not tell us about her not talking, Draco? If you went through it yourself," asked Ron.

"I didn't go through stage two… I'm still going through the rest though… I guess I didn't have time to worry about not talking…" and they all nodded.

Hermione, however, was confused as hell. 'Casaus Terram?' And why did Draco not have time to go through stage two? And why was it an illness? Surely it was just an effect from being under the Reliving curse? But she had read about that illness, and it wasn't pleasant…

"Anyway, is it ok if Mya stays in our dorms tonight?" asked Draco. "She seems to be obtaining a certain hate stroke fear to this wing." He added, looking around.

This was true… she hated the hospital wing.

Madam Pomfrey looked Hermione over, and once she had been given the all clear, grudgingly let Hermione go.

But, they'd be damned if they got very far. Dumbledore seemed to know exactly where they were at any given time and exactly where they were headed.

He caught up with them just before they were making their way towards Gryffindor tower.

"I'm glad to see you are awake, Miss Granger. I have fully excused you… and your friends from lessons for the rest of the week. I understand you will be staying in the Gryffindor dormitories tonight?" She nodded. "Very well… just make sure you keep all of your clothes on…" And he walked off chuckling to himself, humming some muggle song that sounded strangely familiar to her.

Hermione could feel a blush rising on her cheeks, and she turned to look at her friends. Harry and Ron seemed somewhat mad, Draco seemed embarrassed and Ginny was stifling laughter. She watched as Ginny looked at their faces, and her slight chuckle turned into full-out laughter. Hermione smiled at her friend, and then continued her way up to Gryffindor tower.

Hermione stopped at the portrait; after all, she wasn't speaking… and she didn't know the password. Draco was only a step or two behind her, not able to be more because she was holding his hand.

He opened his mouth to say the password, but Hermione stopped him with a tug at his arm. She was unsure about re-entering the common room. He turned to her with a questioning look. Again, she tried to speak with her eyes.

Realisation hit… it was quite amusing to watch and made her giggle slightly. It was strange how he could make her laugh when she felt so horrible. It was slightly reassuring too… like when Ginny had laughed and Hermione had smiled. It had given her the strength to walk ahead of her friends.

"You don't want another chiggy-back, do you?" he asked, amusement in his voice and on his face.

Thinking about it, she didn't really need to be carried, but it was quite nice being carried by him… sort of like a dad would their daughter. _Oh…_ realising that was partially the reason, she was now feeling confused. _It _was_ funny watching him carry me, and being carried by me… but…_ she shook herself out of her thoughts and looked up at him… _what the hell_ and she nodded.

He groaned. "Ok… jump on." So she did…

She ignored everyone as they went through the common room and Draco made straight for the stairs. But before he could walk up… he stumbled. She jumped off him and realised it wasn't because he had fell, but because there was something wrong. He was leaning against the wall next to the staircase taking deep breaths.

"Shit!" said Ron.

"What? What's going on?" asked Hermione.

"Remember what he told us about the Reliving curse?" She nodded. "It's made up of tens of your worst memories and fears." Again, she nodded. "He's been having repercussions. Every now and then one of those memories hits him." She could literally feel herself pale, but before she could dwell on the oh-shit-this-can't-be-good thoughts, Draco fell to the floor, unmoving.

She moved to touch him, but was stopped by Harry. "You can't touch him. If you do, you'll be drawn into the memory making it even more painful for him." She backed away slightly.

People were starting to gather around the five friends, some looking scared, others looking concerned.

After around a minute and a half, he started moving. She jumped forward, but he flinched and jumped back. _Shit!_ She thought to herself. Moving more slowly, she made to pick him up.

He was shaking, but obeyed. All she could do was hug him until he got his bearings. He had stiffened, was trembling and breathing unevenly. Noticing the prying faces round, she felt a wave of anger flare up inside her. She let go of Draco, who promptly fell against the wall, and glared at everyone around them.

"What are you all staring at? What do you think this is? Some kind of freak show?! We aren't here for your entertainment you know! You staring like that makes everything worse!" she yelled. Nobody moved. "I'm fuckin' serious! You all think we are here for your amusement! That you can get some kind of kick out of our pain! We're not animals! We all have feelings! Tell me, how would you lot like it? Having the entire Gryffindor house staring at you whilst you…" she trailed off, unable to finish, tears streaming down her face.

She abruptly turned to Draco, to see tears running down his cheeks to. She shook her head in sorrow and ran up the stairs, away from everyone.

She was fuming… but the anger was quickly being replaced with pain and hurt. She honestly hadn't meant anything she had said. It wasn't that they got a kick out of their pain. It was the _Death Eaters_ that got a kick out of _her_ pain.

Under the circumstances, she wasn't surprised she had over reacted.

After around a minute of pacing, cursing and throwing things, she abruptly fell to the floor in tears. This was so unlike her. She had been changed. Changed by all she had seen. She didn't notice her four friends staring at her in shock with looks of sympathy on their faces.

The first to move, and startle Hermione, was Draco. He slowly moved towards her, still crying, and sat down besides her. Putting a hand on her shoulder, he looked into her watery eyes. "You spoke!" To her, this seemed irrelevant, but she could understand why it was a big deal to them. Stage two was supposed to last longer; she'd read about it.

She turned her head and cried onto his shoulder. After a while, he pulled her onto his lap, and they both cried into each other's shoulders. After what felt like hours, she plucked up the courage –

"What did you see?"

He stiffened immediately.

"Death Eater attack on me before my father cast the reliving curse…" he trailed off, but she didn't need to know any more, she just hugged him tighter.

And they stayed like that until they fell asleep, completely oblivious of anyone coming in and out, and stayed there all night.

* * *

Review please :)


	13. Explanations

**Author's Note: Strong language. **

**_Key: _**_indicates memory flashes_

….**Previous Chapter**….

_"What did you see?"_

_He stiffened immediately._

_"Death Eater attack on me before my father cast the reliving curse…" he trailed off, but she didn't need to know any more, she just hugged him tighter. _

_And they stayed like that until they fell asleep, completely oblivious of anyone coming in and out, and stayed there all night._

……………………….

Explanations

When Hermione woke up, the room was deadly silent. Slightly disorientated, she opened her eyes and looked around, She was still in the boys dormitories, but she was now on a bed. Lying next to Draco. And even though she was extremely comfortable, she felt slightly uneasy about being on the same bed as this person. Right now, at least.

She got up and walked to her dorm, seeing nobody awake, and went to take a shower. She then sat down in the common room to wait for her friends. Her mind surprisingly clear.

They came down about ten minutes later, fully dressed and bagged. She gathered her school bag and they walked down to the Great Hall.

"You know, this could be my first full day this year." Said Mya. "What's the date?"

"I can positively tell you, that I have no idea. October something I think." Said Draco. She laughed.

They were just outside the Entrance Hall when an extreme feeling of dread filled her to the pit of her stomach. Something was wrong; she could feel it.

She walked into the great hall following Harry, Ron and Ginny. She immediately felt as though she had walked into an auditorium full of people who were waiting for her and the others to give a speech.

Silence filled the hall, and all eyes turned to them. Some casting sorrowful glances, but most with looks of utmost sympathy. Even some of the Slytherins – notice some. Most were sniggering – looked at them with sympathy.

This couldn't be good.

They made their way over to the Gryffindor table, Hermione trying to ignore the fact that she felt like a circus animal. Once they had sat, Hermione took a sip of her juice, not feeling at all hungry. The sick feeling that had made a pit stop in Hermione had only increased ten-fold since walking in the hall. She could still feel their eyes.

She felt scared, but tried to ignore it. She wasn't with the Death Eaters anymore.

She groaned. Even the teachers were staring.

"What is everyone staring at?" whispered Ron, to Neville who was sat next to him.

"Er… you guys might want to read this…" and he handed a paper to Ron. The Daily Profit. Ginny lent in to read it.

"What does it say?" asked Harry. Dean handed Harry his Daily Profit, as if he had expected Harry to ask that.

Hermione and Draco watched as the looks on their friend's faces grew from shock to sorrow to anger. Anger throughout in Harry's case.

Seconds later – "What is it?" cried Draco, and Seamus handed him a paper.

Hermione leant in to read.

**_Potter Shock, Malfoy Truth and Is Hogwarts Really Safe?_**

_It was reported last night that a Death Eater raid in the town of Little Whinging, Surrey, resulted in the murders of no less than ten Muggles. This included a Mrs Figg, Mark Evans – due to start Hogwarts next year – and his parents, and Petunia Dursley – Harry Potter's, The Boy-Who-Lived's, Muggle Relative. _

_It was also reported that the Dursley's treatment of Harry Potter was less than good. In fact, it was horrid. For the first ten years, the saviour of the Wizarding world spent his life in a cupboard under the stairs. Sources say that The-Boy-Who-Lived was under-fed and often physically and mentally abused._

_In fact, Potter only found out the truth about how his parents died – Lily and James Potter were killed by He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named when Harry was only one – when Rubeus Hagrid – expelled from Hogwarts and now works as Grounds Keeper and 'Care of Magical Creatures' teacher – went to Potter personally to deliver his Hogwarts acceptance letter after Potter's uncle refused to let him see it. _

_It is rumoured that Harry Potter had to be 'rescued by friends' during the summer because of the Dursley's frequently violent behaviour._

_Boy-saviour, Potter, is also rumoured to be friends with his long time rival, and Death Eater son, Draco Malfoy. The sixteen year-old boy was also rumoured to come from an abusive background, including repeated Unforgivables as well as Physical, Mental and Sexual Abuse. _

_A close friend to Malfoy said the following to the Daily Profit – "Malfoy found out that Ginny Weasley – daughter of Arthur Weasley who works in the Ministry of Magic – had been captured by a Death Eater and tried to rescue her. When he got caught, Professor Snape – Supposed Death Eater Spy and Potions Professor at Hogwarts – had to help them, resulting in him being discovered as a spy by the Dark Lord". _

_A series of events pushed Draco Malfoy to the light side. One of these events included the ordered kidnap, by himself, of Harry Potter's best friend, Hermione Granger. This act was however, too difficult to complete when he arrived at the Granger's home to see a dead Mr and Mrs Granger – Muggles – and a distraught, battered and emotionally ill Hermione cradling her mother's body. They then proceeded to Hogwarts with the help of Headmaster Albus Dumbledore, where she was healed._

_However, the kidnap plan was put into action. Draco Malfoy smuggled Hermione Granger from the castle. From right underneath Albus Dumbledore's nose! Taking her straight to Malfoy Manor, and right into the clutches of the Dark Lord himself, Draco Malfoy played little part in her being brutally raped and tortured. Hermione managed to escape via the Floo network. _

_Around a month later, two Death Eaters under the disguise of Potter and Ron Weasley – Older brother of Ginny Weasley and best friend to Granger – using Polyjuice, attacked and tortured Hermione on Hogwarts grounds. _

_As a mother, I must ask myself if my child will be safe at Hogwarts, what with an ex-Death Eater working there. And, if a sixteen-year-old schoolboy can smuggle a student out of the castle, what's to say the Dark Lord cannot get in? With him and his Death Eater's, who knows how safe the school really is?_

_By Jane Smith, Daily Profit Reporter._

With the overwhelming feelings of shock and disbelief, mixed with the sadness and fear of being reminded of everything, along with the sorrow and sympathy she felt towards her friends, and more shock aimed somewhere between reading about Ginny's kidnap or Harry's need to be rescued, all Hermione could do was stare at the paper. Not seeing the words written and trying her hardest to ignore the whispers and stares threatening to suffocate her.

She couldn't move. It was almost as if she were glued to the chair, and someone had somehow charmed her eyes onto the paper in her hands. How it got there, she wasn't sure. How could they print something like this? It was so… demeaning! It wasn't any of their business, any of it!

She suddenly dropped the paper, as if it were on fire. Her whole body shaking, both from the article and the fact that the whole school was staring at her brought waves of fear, she averted her gaze to the staff table. Dumbledore was looking down at her with sorrow filled eyes. She moved along the table to see Snape watching, but his face was torn between disgust, shock, fear and sympathy.

A small smile curved her lips unwillingly. She wasn't sure why, but it was probably because he saved her best friend from a fate worse than death. A fate that had chosen her. He gave a short smile back.

Bringing her attention back to the table, she felt the pressure of their eyes more than ever. She had to move. The staring faces were causing unwanted images of sadistic death eaters to flash through her mind. Voldemort. Percy… Percy touching her. Raping her. Feeling that heartache. Feeling that pain.

Before she could even move to stand, she felt a hand gripping hers, pulling her slightly. She looked up to see Draco, but it was only then she realised her eyes were filled with unshed tears.

He pulled on her arm as if to tell her to get up. She did.

As they walked towards the doors to the Great hall, her anger flared. Unsure of the cause, she blamed the stares. She felt like a fuckin' circus animal! A sudden urge to yell at said occupants of the hall overwhelmed, but before she could react, a wave of dizziness overcame her. She grabbed the closest thing she could, which just happened to be one of the doors to the great hall.

"No! Not now!" cried Draco. His voice seemed miles away. She felt herself being taken into the entrance hall, and rushing footsteps coming closer, but she couldn't see anything. She was surrounded in the blackness.

The after effects of the Reliving Curse.

Typical. Bloody typical. After what she had just read, she becomes subjected to the damn after effects. But nothing was coming. Nothing was happening and she still had full control of her body.

"Miss Granger? What is wrong with her Mr Malfoy?" asked Dumbledore.

"Don't! Don't touch her!" said Draco. But his voice seemed faint. Too faint.

_She found herself in the Astronomy tower. Completely alone. _

_She couldn't think. She was too blinded by emotions. Fear, rage, confusion, grief. She took a quill out of her bag, waved her wand at it, muttering a spell she didn't recognise, and picked up the knife that had appeared. _

_She pulled herself up onto one of the window ledges, and pulled up her skirt slightly. Enough so that it wouldn't be visible. _

_And she sliced. Harder than before. All her emotion flowing into the power of the thrusts. _

_She didn't feel the pain. _

_Anger slowly ebbing away, she looked down at her leg, covered in blood. It didn't ring clear. She stared at it, marvelling at it's beauty. The rich crimson colour that shone only slightly lighter in the light. _

_It wasn't enough. It didn't get rid of the pain, the grief, and it only managed to lessen the anger._

_She rolled up her sleeve, and dragged the knife across the top of her wrist. She watched as the blood trickled down her arm. The gash was deep, deeper than every before, yet she was still in pain. Tears coursing hysterically down her cheeks, she had to fight to breath._

_So, she turned her arm over, and dragged the blade from her wrist, running it parallel to the sides of her arms. _

_She laughed. This could kill her. Yet, she didn't regret it. She stared at the wound, watching the blood trickle. The contrast against her skin was amazing. She never knew blood could look this way. She wasn't scared. _

_She could hear footsteps outside. Someone was coming. _

_They opened the door. In ran Draco._

_He stared at her in shock. His eyes watering, his body shaking. He knew what she'd done. "Hermione…"_

_A cold laugh escaped her lips. She could feel her life ebbing away as the dizziness overtook her, and she passed out_.

The darkness was slowly ebbing away, and she could hear faint distant voices.

She had been told that the reliving curse made her relive her worst memories. And watch her worst fears come to life. But, her attempted suicide hadn't been a bad memory. Just one that taught her a lesson. And, surely it wasn't one of her fears? She knew she would never attempt that, not again. The pain she had felt then, then the pain she had felt afterwards would haunt her for life.

Oh. That was why she was reliving it. The pain she had felt then, and afterwards. She didn't want to die. She was scared.

But she didn't have much to live for.

Tears were rolling down her cheeks and her whole body was trembling so much that she couldn't stand, even though she didn't try. Arms encircled her waist and she gladly gave her self to them. She felt weak, and sick, and she needed support. But she couldn't hold onto to whoever it was, Draco she assumed, because her body was trembling so much with weakness.

"It's ok Mya. It's over now. Can you walk?" said a voice in her ear. Draco's voice. It was him. He always seemed to be in the right place at the right time. A voice in the back of her head asked why she deserved such unwavering support. Another one – she wasn't sure why she had so many little voices; maybe she was finally giving into insanity? – was telling her she couldn't take anymore. She couldn't take any more pain, shock, fear, sadness, sorrow and she couldn't stand the sickness she was feeling constantly. Then she realised it wasn't a voice that was telling her, but her heart.

It was already cracked beyond repair. Anything more and it would be broken.

Nothing can repair a broken heart.

"Mya? Come on, we need to go. Can you walk?" said Draco. He'd asked her that already. And then she realised she hadn't answered him.

"No." she said in a low whisper.

Why couldn't everything go back to the way it was before? When no-one knew the truth? She knew it was a stupid question, because things would be this way even if they didn't know of her history, which they didn't, not really. She would still have been kidnapped by Draco and…

Draco was talking to her.

"Mya?"

"Hmm?"

"Are you ok?"

"Marvellous."

He laughed. A small laugh but a laugh all the same.

"Hmmm, looks like I'll have to carry you, huh?"

She suddenly felt so helpless, and her body started trembling more to tell her this. She was now shaking with silent sobs, which were becoming more hysterical the more she thought.

So, she tried to stand. Tried, and failed miserably, falling into Draco.

"Guess that's a yes. I seem to be doing a lot of carrying lately." Which was true. Unfortunately. It shouldn't be him carrying her. It should have been her mother or 'father'. Heck, she shouldn't even be in this damn position! It wasn't fair! She knew life wasn't always fair, but this was just getting ridiculous.

He picked her up, and Hermione lamely wrapped her legs around his waist and her arms around his neck. He then wrapped his arms around her waist and went to move.

"Mr Malfoy." Dumbledore.

"Yes? Professor."

"Care to explain what just happened?" Snapped Snape.

"Not right now." He replied, flatly, and walked away.

A sudden need of a cup of tea and a giant, soft, blanket came over her…

…

It wasn't until they reached the corridor leading to, that she realised they were heading towards the Room of Requirements. They stopped in front of the already-there door and Hermione was starting to wonder why they were there. She looked up to Draco, opened her mouth to ask the question when,

"They said they'd meet us here." He said.

Assuming 'they' meant Ginny, Harry and Ron, she nodded and jumped down off of Draco. He held her for a while, so she could grab her bearings, then let go. She wobbled a bit before Draco's arms resumed their place around her waist. They walked into the Room of Requirement, and headed straight for the fire.

Looking around the room, she noticed it was covered in fluffy pillows, beanbags and blankets. It wasn't hot, so she assumed the fire was just there for comfort.

"What's wrong with Hermione?" asked Ginny, who was sat sandwiched between Ron and Harry.

"After effects of the Reliving Curse" he explained. All of their faces fell as they groaned, and looked to Hermione.

It was then she noticed the pale and slightly shaking Harry. She wondered briefly if what the newspaper had said was true, but decided she would ask him to find out. She understood exactly why he was so pale and shaking. He may not have appreciated the Dursleys, or even loved them. But they were his family, and no matter what they had done to him, nothing could change that fact, or the love he must have felt for them.

Hermione had sat down atop a large black furry blanket. It was extremely soft, and when she looked at the label, she saw it was faux Mink. Her mother had one of these. Her stomach dropped and she searched for some kind of distraction from that heartache.

She locked eyes with Harry's and asked the question.

"Was it true?"

He looked at her for a bit, then asked, "Which bit?"

What a pathetic attempt to run away from the truth, and from the look on his face she knew that he knew that too. Not only was there only one part of the article that was about him, but also there was only one bit that she didn't know. The part about the Dursleys… well Harry wouldn't know for sure either.

She raised an eyebrow, but kept her face blank and emotionless. "You know which bit."

"Could ask you the same question." She swallowed, knowing that she would have to tell them later.

"So could I, to everyone else in this room. But I asked you. Tell me."

"Yes." He sighed.

She wasn't shocked. She knew something was wrong with his relationship with the Dursleys since the first time she saw them. She wasn't positive of any physical abuse, but she knew that the mental was painful enough. And she knew that people like that always turned physical if given the option or need.

Ron spoke up, "Looks like it's tell tale time."

Hermione wasn't sure exactly what this meant, but she had a damn good idea.

"There's a lot we haven't told you, Hermione. I think it's time we tell you everything that has happened." He said, a bit wearily, throwing quick glances to Harry, Ginny and Draco.

"What happened, Harry?" she knew she had to be specific, like people had to be with her. _Why did they change so much?_ But that didn't sound so good. How was she supposed to word this? …"What did they do to you? Why did they do it?" Hmm, well, not as good as it could have been. And, it was unlikely he would know why.

He replied, "the first week was fine. They were actually nice to me, considering Remus and Co's warning and taking it to heart. But one day they went out. They told me where they were going, but I didn't listen. They always went out, and it didn't both me in the slightest that they were going out. Why would it? I was sunken too deep into depression. Turns out they had gone to the hospital for tests.

"Aunt Petunia had gotten cancer. When my uncle came in that night, I knew I should have been scared. I don't know why, but something was off. But I wasn't scared, I was apprehensive, but not scared. I was SO far into depression that I wanted him to hurt me. I wanted to feel that pain, because I wanted to feel again.

"He had it set into his head that I had done it using magic. He knew as well as I that I hadn't done anything; I would have been suspended. I told him that and he kept making excuses. Saying that it was our punishment from 'those freak friends' of mine for them mistreating me. He knew; I know he did. But he needed something to take it out on, and I was the only thing around.

"The nightmares didn't help. Every night I would wake up, screaming, shaking with the after-effects of Cruciatus. Uncle Vernon would come in my room; shouting about it was my fault that Aunt Petunia was in that state and that I could at least let her rest. Each night, it got worse. The nightmares got worse, and so did the beatings.

"It soon got to a point where I couldn't move, where I kept falling into unconsciousness. But one night, I saw you stood in front of Voldemort. I figured it must have been a nightmare, but everything I had seen was so real. And when you left that room, Mya, Voldemort said 'Enjoy the show, Potter?' He wanted me to see it. He wanted me to come and try save you. But I couldn't. I was so worried, so scared for your life. I couldn't sit still. I tried to write a letter to Dumbledore but Uncle Vernon caught me… I don't remember much after that night." His voice had been flat the whole way through.

Hermione was shocked to hear that his Aunt had Cancer. And disgusted to hear that his Uncle had taken it out on him. But when he said that he saw her confrontation with Voldemort, her heart dropped into her stomach, where it did flips and somersaults, just to make it's self known.

"You saw that?!" she said, her voice slightly higher than normal.

"Yes."

"What else did you see?" She suddenly felt sick at the thought of Harry seeing the Death Eaters raping her.

"Voldemort wanted me to see it. I know he did. You were taken to that cell, and then into a room. I saw what happened, Hermione, even after Voldemort had left." She swore she was going to be sick. Her head was swimming. She didn't know what to do. "I saw what they did, I saw each of their faces." She caught the hidden meaning to that, and looked up at him. He nodded, and her heart fell. She had been hoping that it was somebody under Polyjuice potion, not actually Percy.

"Tell me he was under Imperius."

"He wasn't. Voldemort's group of inner Death Eaters were in that room. He wouldn't put a innocent wizard in there too."

She felt the tears fall down her face. She had never thought about it before, but when Harry spoke of it she had hoped that he was under Imperius, not doing it willingly. The look in his eyes… she knew. She KNEW he wasn't. But she could still hope. Right?

"What the hell are you talking about?!" Yelled Ron.

Hermione couldn't look at him, or Ginny, or Harry for that matter. Her head was swimming with unwanted pictures. Her heart ached, she felt sick and her muscles hurt. From what, she was unsure.

"I didn't want to tell you. I couldn't. Not before."

"I think you need to now!" shouted Ginny, and Hermione winced. She hated yelling, shouting. And would do anything to block it out. When her parents argued, she would grab the personal CD player her mother bought for her before she started Hogwarts and put the music on full blast. But when she was at Hogwarts she had no choice but to block it out mentally.

But she couldn't, not right now.

"Percy is a Death Eater."

"WHAT!?" shouted Ron and Ginny at the same time.

"Why the fuck didn't you tell me!?"

"He raped Hermione." Said Harry in a small voice.

"WHAT!?" said three voices, and she realised Draco had joined in.

"That betraying bastard of a fuckin' brother!"

"How could you keep this from me?"

"No, he's not even a fuckin' brother anymore! He's not worth it."

Her body was trembling. She couldn't take it. She was absorbing their hate, their anger. She bought her knees up so she had her arms around them, and leant her chin on them. Rocking slightly, eyes closed, she listened, absorbing it, as there was nothing else she could do. She had already pushed to many memories to the back.

"I cant believe you didn't tell us!"

"It wasn't my place to tell!"

"You had no right to keep it to yourself!"

"The fucking Cockroach!"

"What would you have done if you had known earlier?"

"I don't know, I don't even know what to do now!"

"I'm with him!"

"Good for nothing, son of a bitch! Mother fucking asshole!"

"Exactly –"

"SHUT UP! Just SHUT UP!" yelled Hermione. She was suddenly on her feet, fists clenched, glaring powerfully towards the three sat on the couch. "You're just making it worse! You arguing makes everything worse! Can't you see that? I've got enough anger in me without yours as well" she fumed. She stood, still glaring, breathing heavily.

"Sorry, Mya." They said.

She turned and hit the nearest thing to her, which just happened to be the fireplace. Her fist went right through the wood, to collide with the bricks underneath. She moved and kicked a hole through the door. She moved again but before she could hit anything, arms successively came from behind her, holding her, pushing her down to the floor.

She struggled, images overcoming her again. The Death Eaters, her father, and more fucking Death Eaters. She saw her father holding her down, unzipping his jeans. She struggled, kicking the thing nearest to her, and it yelped in pain and let go. Still struggling, she punched another, and then another. Not sure exactly what was going on, but knowing she needed to get out, she ran for the door.

"Hermione! It's just us! Calm down!" shouted Draco, from in front of the door. She stopped, breathing heavily, and just stared at him for what felt like an eternity. Finally, she got her anger under control and turned around to survey the damage. Ginny, Ron and Harry were all on the floor. Ginny clutching her stomach, trying hard to breathe whilst Ron and Harry both sported a broken nose. Ooops. The fireplace was ok, but there was sharp wood on the floor. The door, however, had a huge great hold in the centre of it.

"I'm sorry!" she cried, as she fell to her knees in tears. Draco came and sat down in front of her and hugged her as tight as he could, and she gave way to the comfort she felt when with him.

Soon, she felt another arm wrap around her, and then two more. She knew it was her friends. The support she felt helped greatly, and she was able to stop crying after what felt like half an hour. They sat there for a little while longer, all crying and hugging each other as if their lives depended on it.


	14. Explanations Pt II

Author's Note: Ok, my beta sent back two copies. The original and the beta'd. I assume this is the right one as Apparate was capitalised and the other one wasn't... Anywho, enjoy.

--Previous Chapter--  
  
"I'm sorry!" she cried, as she fell to her knees in tears. Draco came and  
sat down in front of her and hugged her as tight as he could, and she gave  
way to the comfort she felt when with him.  
Soon, she felt another arm wrap around her, and then two more. She knew it  
was her friends. The support she felt helped greatly, and she was able to  
stop crying after what felt like half an hour. They sat there for a little  
while longer, all crying and hugging each other as if their lives depended  
on it.

---  
**Explanations Pt. II**  
  
Draco pulled Hermione onto the couch, his arm around her waist in a  
protective manner. If she was honest, she just wanted to be alone, but there  
was a small part of her that needed to know so much that they would tell her  
if she stayed. So she did. Harry, Ron and Ginny sat on the couch across from  
theirs.  
  
"How did you know?" she asked.  
  
"Know what?" asked Ron.  
  
"Know that Harry needed help."  
  
"Oh. Well, we weren't getting any letters from him. Then Hedwig showed up,  
going completely crazy. We knew something was wrong, so me and Ginny took  
the Knightbus to Privet drive, because mum and dad were out. When we got to  
Privet drive, we knocked on the door and no-one answered. It was during the  
day, so we figured they had gone out. But then Hedwig appeared again and  
started going crazy, hooting at the window that was Harry's bedroom. We got  
worried, blasted the door open and saved him."  
  
"Wow. But didn't you get told off for using magic?"  
  
"No. Fudge lowered the age limit, because of Voldemort's return. You did  
magic during the summer, too, Hermione."  
  
"I did?" She though hard, racking through her memories quickly.  
  
"Yes, you used a healing charm on yourself. The ministry are keeping track  
of the magic we use, but we are allowed to use it," said Harry.  
  
"Right."  
  
They sat in silence for a few minutes, when she spoke again.  
  
"What about you Ginny? Why were you in St. Mungo's?"  
  
She contemplated telling Hermione, by the look on her face. She clearly went  
through a horrible ordeal, as her face paled immediately. But Hermione felt  
as if she needed to know. Probably because she was sick and tired of the  
secrets and the lies.  
  
And she was confused as hell!  
  
"The Burrow was attacked. I was captured. Harry told me that what happened  
to me, was the same thing that happened to you. Except, there were fewer  
Death Eaters."  
  
She suddenly felt extremely sad, angry and guilty that her friend had had to  
experience the same thing she did. A slight wave of amazement flooded her  
for a second before it was gone. Ginny seemed perfectly normal. Well,  
seemed, was the word. She hadn't spoken to her, really. And, if Hermione  
could hide everything, why couldn't Ginny?  
  
But she knew Ginny would not want to talk about it, just like Hermione  
didn't at all. So she didn't ask any more questions.  
  
"Draco?"  
  
"Hm?"  
  
"I don't fully understand. You said you were used as your father's test  
subject. But, you went back to him after that. What made you change your  
mind?"  
  
"I didn't have to change my mind. I had to stand up for myself. I've never  
wanted to be Voldemort's slave. I've never believed in the whole  
pure-blooded crap my father drummed into my head. I was weak. I wanted, so  
badly, to impress him, that I stuck around through thick and thin.  
  
"You weakened me. Too much. But when I found that Ginny was captured, I  
couldn't stand what he was doing to her, what he was doing to so many  
innocent women and children.  
  
"I tried to save her, but I got caught. Luckily, Professor Snape was in the  
same room at the time, so he helped me out. Neither of us got out unscathed,  
but Ginny was worst off. Madam Pomfrey didn't have the facilities to heal  
her effectively, so she sent her onto Mungo's."  
  
She felt an immense weight lift off her shoulders and a wave of gratitude  
roll over her. Draco Malfoy had saved her best girl friend.  
  
"Thank you," she whispered.  
  
He merely smiled down at her.  
  
"There's something else I don't understand. If what you say is true, then  
why did you come to warn me about the death eaters attacking me?"  
  
"Huh?" he said, and she was instantly confused. "I didn't come to warn you,  
I came to kidnap you."  
  
Now she was really confused.  
  
"I wanted to prove myself. I told my father over and over that I could be a  
Death Eater. That I could be the person he expected me to be. You were my  
task. I was supposed to capture you and bring you to Malfoy Manor. Voldemort  
was residing there at the time. My father got your fireplace connected to  
the Floo network, as he knew you wouldn't be able to Apparate.  
  
"I Apparated to your house. What I found was most certainly not what I had  
expected. I weakened right away. I watched your mother be killed, Hermione,  
and your father kill himself.  
  
"I suddenly realised your life was really similar to mine, and felt a  
connection. Hope, I think. I was so close to suicide, I needed something to  
pull me up out of the depression. I saw that there were other people  
suffering like me. I wanted to help." He shrugged.  
  
She started to feel like all this information was overwhelming her, but she  
needed to know, so she merely nodded in response. She had a few more  
questions yet.  
  
"What about the first day back, what happened then?"  
  
"I don't remember," giggled Draco.  
  
She laughed a little to. "Well, I went to Professor McGonagall to get my  
time table. You were in transfiguration at the time. I heard shouting in  
side, a lot of worried voice and Harry telling everyone to leave him alone."  
  
Draco looked at Harry, and Hermione followed.  
  
"You know I've been having nightmares lately?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Well, they weren't nightmares, they were visions. I'd see most of  
Voldemort's kills and even some of the Death Eaters'. I got a vision during  
that lesson, but I was able to see my surroundings. All I could feel from  
the vision was the pain."  
  
She nodded. That made so much more sense now.  
  
"What about you?" Her head shot up like a rocket, and she stared into the  
eyes of Ginny.  
  
"What about me?" she said defensively. She really wasn't in any mood to  
bloody well tell her life history.  
  
"Don't play dumb with us. You've lied to us for years, haven't you?"  
Hermione didn't say anything. "I knew something wasn't right." She still  
said nothing. "Hermione, what exactly did your father do to you?"  
  
'What exactly did your father do to you?' Was she supposed to answer that?  
How COULD she answer that? Was it physically possible? And what made it  
their business anyway?  
  
Then it hit her. They had shared their shit pasts with her, so why shouldn't  
she? What was to say they weren't as sick of the lies and secrets as she  
was?  
  
"He abused me," she said simply.  
  
"Why did you never tell us?"  
  
She sighed. "Before Hogwarts, I was, quite literally, nothing. I had no  
friends, my father hated me and I had nothing going for me. I wasn't even  
clever back then. When I got my Hogwarts letter, I vowed I would make a new  
start. I would make friends, good friends. I would be smart, and I would be  
recognised.  
  
"I succeeded. But I always had my past to haunt me, telling me that I wasn't  
perfect. I couldn't admit to myself that I was abused, that I was unloved by  
my own father. How was I supposed to admit it to you? Admitting it to you  
made it real, and I didn't want it to be real. I just wanted to be normal.  
  
"That's all I've ever wanted."  
  
They all looked at her with sorrow-ridden faces. The tears that had been  
congregating in Ginny's eyes finally dropped.  
  
There was silence for a while, before – "Hermione?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Why did you shout at Snape?" asked Draco, quite amused.  
  
She already felt angry, sad, guilty, embarrassed, confused and simply tired  
of everything, so that question didn't spark any new emotion.  
  
"Dumbledore told me that my so called father wasn't my father; he was a  
Death Eater. Apparently he was a very loyal one too. He fell in love with my  
mother, a Muggle, and Voldemort found out. He decided he had to be punished.  
  
"He cast the Imperius on a Muggle, making him unable to fight it. He then  
ordered a Death Eater to order this Muggle to rape and torture my mother,  
then kill her. The Death Eater was then supposed to kill the Muggle.  
Voldemort hoped my 'father' would rejoin his side loyally.  
  
"Dumbledore told me Snape knew. He was that Death Eater, he had to have  
been. Death Eaters don't go bragging about the fact they didn't kill someone  
they were supposed to. I realised this in Potions. I got mad, and he  
reacted, and I knew it was him."  
  
They all sat in shock and this news.  
  
"But that doesn't make sense. There's so much that doesn't fit. If your  
mother is alive, what went wrong?" asked Ginny.  
  
"Um, my father got there in time to stop the Muggle and killed him. They ran  
off and started a new life as Muggles," she replied.  
  
"But, how did Snape prove to Voldemort your mother had been killed, when she  
hadn't? And what about when your 'father' didn't return? Why the hell is  
Snape even still alive?"  
  
She was asking some pretty good questions, that Hermione did not know the  
answers to. She merely shrugged.  
  
"Don't you want to know?"  
  
"Do I want to know how my mother escaped a crazed Death Eater and a Muggle  
under Imperius and the reason Snape is still alive after practically raping  
my mother and not killing her afterwards?  
  
"No, not really."  
  
"But, Hermione, it could make you understand more about why your parents  
were the way they were!"  
  
"I don't want to know! I just want to forget them and move on and heal and  
just forget ok?" she shouted, surprising even herself.  
  
"Ok," said Ginny, meekly.  
  
Hermione's eyes were starting to sting, and she realised then that she was  
trying very hard not to cry. Trying to be strong in a situation that didn't  
allow for such actions. Draco noticed this, and Hermione immediately melted  
into the hug.  
  
What seemed like hours of silence later, Hermione was shaken awake by Draco.  
She looked around to see Harry doing the same with Ginny. Ron seemed to be  
refusing to wake up. Hermione had to wonder when exactly she had fallen  
asleep...  
  
"We should go to dinner," said Harry to the room including the finally awake  
Ron.  
  
"Yeah. We've got to face them sometime," said Ginny.  
  
Hermione agreed. They couldn't just hide. If they did that, rumours would  
spread and such and everything would just blow out of proportion.  
  
They had to face it, head on, now.  
  
She heaved a heavy, emotional sigh. "Right, what time is it?"  
  
"End of lessons for the day. Dinner should be starting soon," said Ron.  
  
"I suppose we should move then," said Draco. And they did.  
  
They walked silently down to the great hall, each wanting to make  
conversation, but no-one knowing what to say. Hermione decided to point  
blank ignore every single person in the hall.  
  
Blank them out.  
  
She could do that...  
  
Right?  
  
They walked into the hall, and headed straight for the Gryffindor table. She  
could feel all their eyes on them, but she pushed it as far back as she  
could and tried to focus on the task at hand.  
  
Get through dinner.  
  
She wasn't hungry. She felt sick, like always. And she felt emotionally  
tired.  
  
She sat down, the others sitting around her. Draco sat next to her, and took  
her hand to give her support. She appreciated that.  
  
Before she knew it, Dumbledore was calling the entire school to attention.  
  
"Today we have a special announcement to make. Now, I would usually have  
done this at breakfast, but do to a few unforeseen circumstances, it was put  
on hold.  
  
"This-" he pointed to a girl who stood off to the side of the hall. She  
hadn't noticed her before, but how she hadn't was quite hard to figure out.  
She was donning a pair of black trousers with bits of red on, with a chain  
hanging on the side. She wore a sleeveless black top with what appeared to  
be a fish net long sleeved t-shirt of the top, which covered her hands. She  
was also clad in black, red and pink rubber bangles, some silver and beaded  
bracelets and a black necklace with a star on the end. Very gothic – "is  
Lyssa Padhum. Her parents previously home schooled her, but due to  
unfortunate circumstances, this can not go on. She will be joining sixth  
year, and the Sorting Hat will choose the correct house." Hermione, who had  
been looking at the extremely shy and nervous girl – which contrasted  
greatly with her fashion sense – suddenly noticed the stool with the sorting  
hat on top.  
  
Lyssa walked up to the stool, sat down, and McGonagall placed the hat on her  
head.  
  
She seemed to sit there for ages, getting more nervous by the second.  
Hermione was starting to wonder exactly what the sorting hat and Lyssa were  
talking about, when it exclaimed "GRYFFINDOR!"  
  
She looked quite triumphant, Hermione noticed. She watched as she walked  
down the Gryffindor table, looking for an empty space. She stopped next to  
Neville, who was looking extremely nervous, as was Lyssa.  
  
"Could I sit here?" she asked, her voice innocent.  
  
"Erm, yeah, sure," replied Neville, who sat opposite Hermione.  
  
Lyssa smiled at him and took her seat. She looked around at all the faces  
staring at her. It was then Hermione realised she was staring. She was doing  
the thing that she hated other people doing the most.  
  
She felt guilty that the attention of the school had been taken away from  
them - Harry, Draco, Ginny, Ron and herself - to Lyssa.  
  
Hermione immediately looked round to Draco, only to see him eyeing the girl  
intently. Along with Ron. And Dean. And Seamus.  
  
And every other damn male the hall!  
  
Except Harry, who looked suspicious?  
  
"Um, does that Pasta have mushrooms in it?" asked Lyssa.  
  
Taken slightly off guard, Neville peered into the bowl of Pasta and nodded  
his confirmation.  
  
"Oh, ok, could you pass me the potatoes then please?" He did. "Thank you."  
  
Most of the hall had stopped starring, but Ron, Draco, Dean and Seamus were  
still ogling Lyssa like she had leeks sprouting out of her ears and green  
spots on her skin.  
  
Hermione waved her hand in front of Draco's eyes, but he didn't even  
acknowledge her presence. She could tell Lyssa was starting to get  
uncomfortable, so she slapped him across the cheek and cried, "Oi!"  
  
He snapped out of it immediately, sending an apologetic smile to Hermione,  
who felt something close to jealousy inside of her, and a quick glance back  
at Lyssa.  
  
Why was she jealous, exactly?  
  
Dean, Seamus and Ron had stopped staring, too, but still kept sending Lyssa  
quick glances. Hermione wasn't so sure what the fascination was. She wasn't  
even that pretty!  
  
"So what happened to your parents?" asked Dean, who showed no sign of his  
previous actions.  
  
"Um..." Hermione could tell she really didn't want to tell the entire  
Gryffindor table.  
  
"Is that any of your business, Dean? Why do you people always have to know  
everything? And then stare when you do!" she shouted. Hermione eyed the food  
around her with distaste, suddenly feeling sicker than before.  
  
She the shook herself, and realised the entire school was staring at her,  
again, and she realised she should have kept her mouth shut.  
  
Next time, she would know better. She let her head fall into her arms, which  
were folded on the table, and groaned irritated. She just felt... stupid. Like  
the whole world was against her, and the need to be sarcastic was  
over-ruling her.  
  
She felt somebody rubbing her back, and looked up, took a long heavy breath  
and turned to look and smile at Draco.  
  
"I'm going back to the common room, I'll see you guys later." They all  
nodded reluctantly, but let her go.  
  
......

Gee, no need to over-react, huh? Smirks Anywho, the next chapter, and the one after that and the one after that will be up soon as they are already written. This is, of course, if my beta gets her but back from Toronto :)

Oh, and, REVIEW!

P.S, I think this chapter is a bit messed up, look wise. It came like that in the email...


	15. Acceptance

Author's Note: Ok, this chapter is a bit random. I kinda changed it a bit to make it sorta AU, in a way that I put our music back into 1996. There's a big passage of music talk, which can be passed if you wish to do so.

This chapter isn't beta'd as my beta isn't at home. I think it's ok, i beta'd it.

---Previous Chapter---

"_Is that any of your business, Dean? Why do you people always have to know  
everything? And then stare when you do!" she shouted. Hermione eyed the food  
around her with distaste, suddenly feeling sicker than before.  
  
She the shook herself, and realised the entire school was staring at her,  
again, and she realised she should have kept her mouth shut.  
  
Next time, she would know better. She let her head fall into her arms, which  
were folded on the table, and groaned irritated. She just felt... stupid. Like  
the whole world was against her, and the need to be sarcastic was  
over-ruling her.  
  
She felt somebody rubbing her back, and looked up, took a long heavy breath  
and turned to look and smile at Draco.  
  
"I'm going back to the common room, I'll see you guys later." They all  
nodded reluctantly, but let her go._

* * *

**Acceptance**

She had realised life was going to be tough, and that it was going to get harder. She didn't know whether she would get through it in full mental health, but nothing and no one could stop her from trying. And, she knew that there would be a lot more of those little breaks in temper.

But, she didn't want any more attention. She had enough. And her yelling at her friend in the Great Hall would only attract more. But the only way to control her anger was to hide from it and all the emotional baggage that followed her wherever she went. And that would mean pushing it all back again.

Could she do that? Could she be that person she once more. Could she fool people into thinking she _was_ that person? That is wasn't all a lie? She _had_ always been happier in her façade. Even if she had been forced to lie, she had always been distracted from the truth, which had allowed her to cope.

She realised, with a jolt, that she was not headed for the common room at all. She wasn't sure where her subconscious was taking her but it obviously didn't want to go back to the Gryffindor common room. Dinner was probably finished anyway, and she certainly didn't want to see anyone after she had shouted at Seamus for annoying Lyssa.

Who was this girl anyway? She seemed to be really nice and friendly, and shy, but the way she dressed screamed that she was the complete opposite. Was she just pretending to be so nice to fool everyone, when she was in fact working for Voldemort? But, if that was doing so, surely she would have changed her sense of style too? Maybe she was just being nice because she was new? Or maybe her style showed how she felt, sometimes, but was really, genuinely, a nice person?

Then again, why was Hermione even thinking about it? She'd find out who Lyssa was soon enough.

Right now, Hermione had the task of rehiding. Of recreating her perfect façade.

When she finally got back to the common room, and found it empty – it was 11.30 – she went straight to bed.

But sleep was not as peaceful as it had been the night before. As soon as her head hit the pillow, she was plagued with the images she faced during the Reliving curse. She found herself jolting awake, hot and sweaty with a Death Eaters face in her mind, several times throughout the night. It then took her what seemed like hours to get back to sleep.

In conclusion, she didn't get much sleep.

When Hermione woke in the morning, she found that she had missed breakfast. She dressed quickly and ran down to her first lesson, – it was Monday – Transfiguration. She arrived just as the rest of the class did, and quickly found a seat with Ron, Harry, Draco and surprisingly – or not so – Lyssa.

After perfecting her transfiguration – chairs to pillows – she helped her friends. She also got to talk to Lyssa, and found out she was actually very nice. She would not explain why she was there now, and since every time someone asked her she would look pained, Hermione forgot about it. She was extremely crazy, and laid back, but Hermione found her spacing out quite a lot. Then again, so were Draco and Harry.

They also had Defence against the Dark Arts that day, which went just as badly as it had done the years before. Dumbledore had been unable to find a suitable teacher, so a Ministry of Magic employee was asked to take the job. This person, though just as annoying as Umbridge, actually had a bit more skill, and wasn't as strict. But, they still weren't doing any practical work.

The day swept by, and before Hermione knew it, it was Dinnertime again. Potions hadn't gone so well as Hermione had missed a lot of lessons, along with the other four, so they were all extremely snippy when people spoke to them.

After Dinner, the six spent the night doing homework and chatting about anything and everything. Hermione found out that as Ron was the only sixth year prefect with a sane mind – as Lyssa so kindly put it – he had been asked to help her find the ropes.

Hermione spent the night, again, repeatedly waking up and finding it hard to get back to sleep again, so the next day, during a free lesson, she went to Madam Pomfrey for some dreamless sleep.

The next day, they had Care of Magical Creatures. Hagrid wasn't back at Hogwarts yet, but Professor Grubbly-Plank wasn't revealing anything. She was acting surprisingly like Hagrid too.

"Now, the creature we will be studying today is one of great legend and myth. A lot of people assume it to be bad luck, but they are in fact good luck.

"Now, I know you did these with Hagrid, but if I was told correctly, you did not cover them fully."

There were murmurs around the crowd, but Hermione couldn't think of what they were studying. She looked around at Harry, who was looking very nervous, and kept throwing sorrowful looks at Draco and Hermione.

Completely confused, she followed, when asked, the teacher into the forest. Suddenly, Draco took hold of her hand, squeezed it and let go, but wouldn't meet her eye. Now even more confused, she walked on next to Draco and Ron.

They walked into a small enclosure. In it were four or five winged black skeletal looking horses. She was shocked, and confused as to whether they were beautiful or extremely ugly. But, there was something deadly about them, yet they seemed extremely mythical in a way.

"Now, who can see them?" And then it hit her. Thestrals. She reluctantly raised her hand, and then looked around the class. Draco, Harry, _Lyssa_, Neville and some Slytherins had their hands raised.

"It's not those Thestral thingies again is it?" said Ron.

"Yeah, it is." She replied. She realised that when she had told Harry she wished she could see them, she _really_ hadn't meant it. She was glad she could see it, but their meaning was just too powerful. She felt tears prickling at her eyes, but tried not to break down in front of the whole class.

"Right. Can anybody tell me what these things are...?"

The next day, and the next two weeks, went by without any hitches or reliving and Hermione felt as though she was starting to heal. She still ached everyday. She still felt sick. But she felt as though, with the help of her best friends, she could get through the day a little easier.

But she still wasn't eating much as it made her feel even sicker.

And Hagrid still wasn't at Hogwarts.

A week before Halloween, Dumbledore announced that there would be a Halloween ball, and that everyone attending would have to attend in fancy dress, else they would be hexed. There would also be a visit to Hogsmeade the day before so that everyone could get his or her costumes ready.

Hermione, Draco, Ron, Harry, Ginny and Lyssa spent the walk to Hogsmeade discussing the outfits they would don, all trying very hard not to bring up Voldemort. In truth, they were all curious as to why Dumbledore was letting them out of the protection of Hogwarts, when the threat from outside was at it's highest.

"I want to be something a bit... un-me." Said Mya.

"You could always dress up like a cat." Said Harry, with a grin on his face. The first she had seen in a while. In fact, he had seemed a lot happier now he was out of school.

She hit him playfully on the arm. "Shuddup, you evil cucumber." They all laughed. "That wasn't my fault!"

"What was your fault?" asked Draco. Lyssa was also looking interestedly.

"Wasn't!"

Hermione, Ron and Harry shared knowing looks that said, quite clearly, 'oops'.

"Er... you probably don't want to-"started Mya

"Yes, I do."

"No, you don't."

"Yes, I _do_"

"Fine. You remember in second year, when the Chamber of Secrets was opened?" He nodded. "Well, Ron, Harry and I were trying to figure out who was responsible for all the attacks. And, well, naturally, we thought it was... you. So, to find out properly we brewed some Polyjuice potion... Harry and Ron turned into Crabbe and Goyle, but the hair I thought was Millicent Bulstrode's, turned out to be her cats..."

He started laughing, uncontrollably. But, then he realised what she had said.

"Wait, you two were Crabbe and Goyle in disguise?"

They both nodded.

"When was this?"

"Um... the night we both went running out of the Slytherin common room with my scar returning as well as Ron's red hair."

He moved his head in understanding.

"Anywho, back to what we are going to dress up as." Said Lyssa. "Hey, maybe we could be the Fixation?"

"That new wizard punk band?" asked Ginny. Lyssa nodded.

"That's not a bad idea, actually. Seeing how we have the right amount of people. And you wont have to buy many clothes, Lyssa." Said Draco.

She smirked at him. "I know." There was a pause - "I'll be Charlie. I'm not into all that pink spiked hair." She added.

"Where are we going to buy the clothing from?" asked Ginny, who was now holding Harry's hand.

"There's this cute little gothic shop on the outskirts of Hogsmeade. It's quite new, so I doubt you will have seen it before. They also sell these cool portable music players, which I have wanted for ages now. I'm music deprived."

"Me too." Replied Mya. Hermione, or course, was a very big fan of music. Rock music to be exact as she felt that, in some weird way, her anger was being let out through the emotions portrayed by the singers.

"You a big music fan then?"

"Oh yeah. I got this portable CD player for my birthday one year. Each summer I'd go out and spend hours in the record shops, choosing the best CDs. They came in quite handy when trying to ignore my parents arguing." She had looked pointedly ahead throughout her whole three sentences.

"I hear ya." Said Lyssa. Hermione giggled.

"You have the most strange accent I have ever known. It's like a cross between all the English ones and an American one."

Lyssa shrugged. "I watched a lot of American TV,"

Hermione sensed the need to change the subject. "So, what is your favourite music?"

"Rock, mainly. Though, I'm not too fussy. I'll listen to pop and hip-hop. Stuff like that too. I have too many favourite bands. Linkin Park, Evanescence, Blink 182, Slipknot, Avenged Sevenfold, Hoobastank, The Rasmus, Lost Prophets... Avril Lavigne... Busted... yeah the list goes on." Ron and Ginny were looking at Lyssa as though she had grown six extra heads, each displaying a different colour of the rainbow.

But Harry and Hermione were both grinning at Lyssa.

"I love Linkin Park, and Slipknot, and Blink 182 are just fun." Replied Hermione.

"Yeah, and Sum 41 are cool."

"Oh ya! Wow, this is so cool, I never knew you guys liked music!"

Hermione grinned and giggled, whilst Harry just grinned.

"I think we need to hear some of this music, Ginny." Said Ron.

"Oh, you will." Said Lyssa.

"No need to be so mysterious."

Lyssa just grinned.

They were arriving at Hogsmeade. The village was rather lonely, compared to normal weekends. They walked in, past a few straggling shops on the outskirts, and towards the Three Broomsticks.

They all followed Lyssa, down some curvy alleyways and along a windy road until they found the shop she spoke of. The surrounding area was very empty, apart from the few stragglers here and there, making B-lines for the shop.

Once they were close enough, Hermione could see the name above the door. 'Underground: Clothing, Accessories, Wizard-Muggle appliances, Piercing and Tattoos.'

They walked into the store. There was a man around 20 behind the counter, donning the gothic clothing Lyssa wore. He wore a black shirt with combat trousers that had chains hanging from them. His hair was spiked and he wore a lip and eyebrow stud. She could also see he had a tattoo on his back as it came up his neck.

Lyssa headed straight for the clothing isles, and started ooo-ing at almost everything she looked at. It wasn't long until she was pointing out clothing that would look good on Hermione and Ginny. Then she started on the boys. About five minutes later, the shopkeeper came over and joined Lyssa in dressing them.

By the time they had finished, Hermione had bought her costume and a few other clothing bits. She had also picked up a few accessories that had caught her eye, and that Lyssa had practically forced on her. Hermione, Harry and Lyssa all helped to pay for Ginny and Ron's costumes, after much convincing.

They left the shop, each clad with at least one bag. In Lyssa's case, it looked as though she had bought the whole shop, including the music player she had wanted, with all her favourite bands on. She was surprisingly happy and when Hermione asked why, she squealed "Wasn't that guy HOT!" Hermione could only giggle.

Hermione couldn't help but think that she had never bought so much on a Hogsmeade visit.

Their next stop was at the Three Broomsticks, where they all ordered Butterbeers and headed straight towards the lonely back in hopes of avoiding, well, everyone.

They sat there talking until it was time to leave. Dumbledore had requested that all students be back by two PM because of the threat from outside Hogwarts wards. At one they slowly made their way back to Hogwarts, Lyssa listening to her music whilst the others chatted.

Suddenly, Hermione felt a stone hit her in the back of the head. She spun round instantly, letting a faint 'ow' escape her lips, and saw a bunch of Slytherins walking up the path behind them. Pansy Parkinson, and a boy she knew as Blaze Zabini, as well as Crabbe and Goyle, were in the gang.

"Well looky here. It's the Mudblood _Whore_ and the Traitor with Potty and his sidekicks. How sweet. I'm surprised you even had the nerve to leave Hogwarts, considering you are the most wanted. Everywhere." Smirked Pansy.

Hermione wasn't going to take any more shit from the Slytherins, but something caught her off guard. The fact Pansy had called her a Mudblood and a _Whore_ had put her in a faint state of shock.

She watched as Ron, Draco and Harry all lunged forward, wands in their hands, and started firing curses. Soon the other Slytherins joined in and it turned into a full-blown duel. Lyssa, Harry and Ginny were fighting about eight Slytherins back to back, whilst Draco took on Blasé and Hermione stood watching. In complete shock.

Suddenly, Pansy stepped out of the fray and shouted, "What's wrong, Whore, don't want to play? That's weird, cause I though you liked it? At least you did –"Hermione didn't allow her to finish her sentence. She lunged forward and smacked Pansy around the face with such force that Pansy went flying backwards and was knocked unconscious.

Something had snapped in Hermione then. Some emotion she had been holding back. It had been released inside of her, and it needed to be earthed before she blew. At least, that was how it felt. Everything around her seemed false as she strode towards the other Slytherins.

She kicked the one nearest to her in the back of the legs so he fell to the floor. One turned around and she punched him as hard as she had punched Pansy. A few more turned around, which gave Harry, Ginny and Lyssa a chance to stun them. A Slytherin stood behind Ginny shot a stunning spell at her, which made Harry and Lyssa shoot round and Stupefy the two remainders.

Draco and Blasé stood off to the side, watching Hermione in a state of complete and utter awe. She turned and saw that Harry, Lyssa and a revived Ginny were also ogling her.

"What?"

"That .... That was..."

"BRILLIANT!" cried Draco.

She shrugged, noticing Blasé slip away into the group of Slytherins on the floor. She turned and started walking back towards the castle.

"What the hell happened back there?" asked Ginny.

"Yeah, what happened to the old Hermione who would just tell us to ignore them?" asked Ron.

"I guess the real Hermione took over for a second."

"What does that mean?" asked Ginny.

"Nothing" she replied

"Do you think we are stupid?" She thought about it, but in all honesty, they weren't.

"Listen. Before I started Hogwarts, I was nothing. I decided to change. I built a life around myself that consisted of everything I wanted. I changed myself to live up to other people's expectations. You lot don't know the real Hermione. I don't even know her. I've grown up acting as something I'm not. I let myself slip during the summer, but the pain was too intense, I couldn't handle it. I had to push it all back and I hid behind the lie my life had always been before."

"Hermione, we're your friends. You don't need to be someone else around us. You should have been you from the start! Why didn't you ever tell us?"

"I couldn't! Don't you understand? Telling you made everything real, and I still can't accept that. I don't want to accept that. You don't want me to if you want me to be sane during Christmas. The books, the extra work. It was all so I could distract myself from the truth!!! I don't want to think about it. I'd tire myself so much that I could sleep at night. I'd keep myself busy the whole day, no matter what, so that I didn't have to relive anything in my mind." Tears were now spilling down her cheeks.

"But surely ignoring everything made it worse?"

"In the end? Yes. But, I just can't will myself to accept the truth. I can't even think about it. I can't talk about it. It's too hard. Too hard to accept that my father never loved me, and that my mother lied to me my whole life. Your family are your support. They give you unconditional love. I NEVER HAD THAT. I wanted it so bad, but I could never have it. He always loved her, but he didn't love me! WHY DIDN'T HE LOVE ME? He's supposed to love me! He was supposed to care for me. Tell me I was beautiful. Take me to the park and play with me! He was supposed to PROTECT me! But instead I was SCARED of him! I'd run and hide whenever he came near me when I was alone! I couldn't be near him without allowing myself to shake. My own father HIT me and abused me my whole life! HOW DO I ACCEPT THAT? HOW DO I ACCEPT THAT MY OWN FATHER DIDN'T LOVE ME LIKE HE WAS SUPPOSED TO? HOW DO I ACCEPT THAT MY OWN FATHER RAPED ME?" she was now crying hysterically, and shaking so much she couldn't stand. As she fell to the gravel floor, the other five all crouched down around her, hugging her from all angles.

They sat there, whispering words of comfort in her ear until she had calmed down. Draco was crying, along with Lyssa and Ginny. Harry and Ron seemed pissed.

"Hermione, you are beautiful." Said Draco. Hermione smiled.

"Yeah, and WE love you. And THAT is unconditional." Said Ginny

"Yeah. And we know how you feel. Remember? My father never loved me." Said Draco.

"And my family were supposed to love me unconditionally, but they abused me too."

"Sometimes, life brings you down. Some people can be bastards. But as long as you have people who love you, there are things worth fighting for. You're a fighter. You're strong. You can get through this. But you have to accept everything first." Said Ginny.

"I think I just did. I never told you he raped me did I?" said Hermione.

"Nope. You're making progress already." Said Harry, with a slight grin across his face.

"Guys?"

"Yeah?" was chorused all round.

"Will you help me? Help me find myself, and help me move on?"

"That's what friends are for." Said Ginny over the chant of 'of course'.

"Thank you. You're the best. And, guys?"

"Yeah?"

"Can I have a hug?" They all slammed into her at once, making her laugh and fall over. They all landed in one big laughing heap on the stones, each grumbling about bruised bones in the morning.

They all walked slowly back to Hogwarts. It was way past two now, and they were sure Dumbledore would be worried.

Hermione spent the whole time thinking of just one thing.

Why 'Mudblood Whore'?

* * *

Did I make you cry? I nearly did when I was writing it. When I re-read it, the end made me smile :)

Please review!


	16. Will You Go To The Ball With Me?

* * *

Author's Note: I will not upload chapter 17 until I get 15 reviews. It's betad and ready to go up. If I don't get the reviews, you'll have to wait until I've finished the story... Lol, I know I'm being a bitch, but I know people read this but don't review. And I make a large point of reviewing every story I read. Shrugs

---Previous Chapter---

"Can I have a hug?" They all slammed into her at once, making her laugh and fall over. They all landed in one big laughing heap on the stones, each grumbling about bruised bones in the morning.

They all walked slowly back to Hogwarts. It was way past two now, and they were sure Dumbledore would be worried.

Hermione spent the whole time thinking of just one thing.

Why 'Mudblood Whore'?

* * *

**Will You Go To The Ball With Me?**

When they were back in the common room, they just sat around talking about everything and anything, again. After a couple hours, they got bored and decided to go for a walk.

Lyssa led. They walked down to the lake, around it, around the back of the castle and then up several flights to the Room of Requirement. Lyssa told them all to stay there while she made a surprise room for them all.

She walked forward and back past the door three times, thinking to herself. When the door emerged, she grinned to herself and stepped inside. Hermione and the others followed.

They walked into a large room filled with nothing but a few of what looked to be punching bags. There were mirrors lining one of the walls, shelves filled with books filling two more walls, and the other –with the door in- was blank. There was a CD player in front of the mirror.

Hermione looked at Lyssa, completely confused. She just grinned and said,

"All of you have been so depressed lately. You have lots of pent up anger that needs to be released. I saw it when we were fighting the Slytherins. It's really starting to get to Ron and I.

"Sooooo we are going to have some fun with punch bags and loud music!" She grinned again and walked over to the CD player, pressed a button, and music blasted out of the speakers.

"Evanescence!" she shouted to them.

She looked to others, who all looked shocked. She then looked back to Lyssa who had got up and was walking back to them.

"Come on. You all need to be fit and ready if we hope to stay alive. We know the Death Eaters are after you guys, and me too probably, cause we are friends with Harry. So, I think we need to have a bit of physical defence as well as magical.

"And, trust me when I say, it helps get rid of your anger. I'm sure some of you have figured that out by hitting the nearest thing to you."

Hermione suddenly remembered the night when they were in the Room of Requirement and Hermione had hit the fireplace out of anger.

"Well, what's the mirror for?"

Lyssa shrugged. "To be honest, I just pictured the room I trained in." She then looked as though she shouldn't have said that.

"Shall we get start then?"

"You're trained in physical defence?"

"Well, yes."

"Why?"

"Because. Now, are we doing this or not?" They all nodded. "Right, just stretch a bit and we can throw a few punches."

Hermione stretched her muscles the way she had been taught in school. She then took of her robes, leaving just her shirt, and put on the gloves Lyssa had given her.

"Ok, usually you would have to be taught what to do, but I think you can get the idea from me showing you."

So, she walked over to the bag, punched it, looked back at them, punched it again, and then kicked it....

"Ok?" she said.

There was a murmur of 'Yes' and then Hermione made her way to the bag nearest. She hit it, quite hard, and then stared at it, trying to picture someone she wanted to beat up.

Voldemort's face came to mind, but then Percy's... Lucius Malfoy... her father's ... unknown Death Eaters'.

A wave of dizziness hit her, and she dropped to the floor, her knees hitting hard. She let out a faint cry, before she crawled to the nearby wall for support. She hadn't had the after effects for ages, so she'd assumed they'd stopped. She could hear voices and footsteps around her, but a deafening whistling was drowning them out.

_She was in the room with the Death Eaters again._

_One stepped forward. The fear started ebbing it's way back again. But it was slowly overcome with shock. It was Percy! Percy Weasley. He was a Death Eater. _

"_Hello Hermione," he purred, sardonically. He got close, closer than the other one. "My turn," he whispered in her ear. His hands roved all over her body, pinching and punching at her skin. He started to make his way down her body, towards her womanhood. She tried her hardest to push the shock away, she started struggling against him. But he was too strong, and he was too close. Again, before she knew it he was thrusting into her, getting some kick out of her pain._

_It was getting to her... she could hardly move. The next came in a blur of pain and emotion. Faces laughing.... Staring down at her intently. The next was a complete blur of pain... the next a blur of nothingness. A Cruciatus was thrown. She finally passed out._

_She was in the room... surrounded by Death Eaters again. They had revived her... they all loomed closely, getting closer by the second... two got hold of her, pinning her face down to the floor... she heard them all laughing... then it touched her skin, a knife... they were carving something into her lower back... she was screaming, flailing around uncontrollably... the pain was intense... even more so than the Cruciatus. The cuts were deep, and went on for what felt like hours... almost as if they were being precise about it... taking their time and care to put as much pain and hatred into each cut... each touch made her flinch... each second she feared them..._

She could still feel the cuts in her back when it stopped. Tears were pouring down her cheeks. The pain was unbearable. She was shaking. She just wanted it to stop. It had to stop. She felt as though she was going to explain with the pain.

The after effects of the Cruciatus still lingered, intensifying the pain. She felt arms wrap around her but she pushed them away.

She slowly and reluctantly reached down to the bottom of her back. She felt the scars that still reside, but there was no blood so they hadn't re-opened.

There was only one more thought on her mind.

What did they carve into her back? They weren't normal cuts. They were crafted. She looked up, glaring, and walked over to the mirror.

Turning around, she lifted her shirt up and looked down to her back.

'Mudblood Whore'. She could see it, clear as day. Written it little white letters, startlingly neat. It was scarred. She was scarred. Scarred for life.

Her legs gave way again, and she fell to the floor. She didn't feel any pain. Her heart was empty, her body was empty, her mind was empty. Nothing made sense. Everything that had happened had poured back into her mind, but it was as if her mind was ignoring it. Her mind couldn't take any more. It had blocked it out, thrown it away. But the memories were strong, they were slowly leaking through the unknown barrier in her mind.

Her breathing grew rapid; she looked up the faces of her friends, and saw them filled with sympathy. They had known. Her breathing was getting faster. She needed oxygen. She felt as though she were hyperventilating.

Arms encircled her again. Words were being whispered into her ear, and circles being drawn onto her back, soothing her.

"Breathe. It's ok, just breathe Mya."

* * *

"_I tried to kill my pain, but only brought more. I may die, and I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal. I'm dying, fraying, bleeding and screaming. Am I too lost to be saved? Am I too lost?"_

* * *

The circles they were drawing on her back relaxed her. All the memories were still there, but she felt as though she could handle them, as long as the circles didn't stop.

Whoever it was, pulled her into their lap, and continued drawing the circles. They were also rocking her, whispering shushing noises in her ear. Soothing.

She felt so safe, so protected. So loved.

"It's ok. It doesn't mean anything, ok," said Draco. She could tell by his voice in her ear.

It was him that was soothing her.

They sat there for a few minutes. But then the circles stopped, and the rocking, and the whispers, and everything came flying back.

"Don't, "she cried, "please, don't stop."

He moved a bit. She didn't know where. She didn't want to look. She kept her head buried in his chest. She then stopped moving and started soothing her again. This time not rocking, or whispering, just drawing the circles on her back.

She felt as though she were falling asleep. But then the music that had been playing, which she hadn't even realised, stopped and she could hear voices around her.

"Do you think we should wake them?"

"No, leave them."

"They are so cute!"

"And she's so blind."

"I know. I think she's like the only one who doesn't realise."

"It's practically written on their foreheads."

"He's crazy about her. It's real love. Not just the friendly love."

"I think she'll realise soon enough. Maybe tomorrow."

A laugh. A door shutting.

Who were they talking about? Surely not Hermione? It couldn't be. She didn't love anyone.

And the thought was gone from her mind when she realised Draco had fallen to sleep.

She moved slowly, trying to get off him without waking him. Her leg slipped and she kicked him in the chest. He didn't move a muscle. Slightly worried, she checked he actually had a pulse. He did. She shook him a bit, and he still didn't wake.

Smirking, she decided to try and wake him, but not by touching him. She walked over to the CD player, turned up the volume to MAX and pressed play. The music blasted out of the stereo, scaring Hermione out of her mind. After jumping so much she fell back, she got up and looked down to Draco, who still wasn't awake.

She just stared at him for a while. He looked so peaceful. So relaxed and natural. Like, when he was awake, he always had a face on. She hadn't noticed it before, but now it was so apparent. He wore a face of indifference. All the time.

Was he, perhaps, hiding behind that mask?

Before she could consider it, a song came on. One that had been playing one night when her dad came home. Drunk. And took it out on Hermione.

Instead of getting sad and emotional about it like she usually would, she felt angry. Angry about all the time he took it out on her, when she had always tried so hard to be perfect to her.

"_Perfect by nature, icons of self indulgence, just what we all need, more lies about a world that never was a never will be."_

She had always tried to be perfect. But it just didn't work. She couldn't be that person he wanted her to be. Anger was boiling up inside her now. She walked over to the punching bags and picked up the gloves. Putting them on, she punched it.

"_Have you no shame, don't you see me? But you know you've got everybody fooled."_

Did she? Did she have everybody fooled?

"_Look here she comes now, bow down and stare in wonder, oh how we love you, no flaws when you're pretending."_

But she did have flaws! She tried so hard to be perfect. But she wasn't! She could never be the way he wanted. She could never be perfect! She stopped punching the bag and walked over to the mirror.

"_But now I know she never was and never will be, you don't know how you've betrayed me and somehow you've got everybody fooled."_

She never was. And she never would be. It was true. She couldn't change it. She'd betrayed herself. She'd known all along, that she shouldn't change for anyone. Yet, she had changed. Her whole life had been a lie.

She didn't realise she was singing.

"_Without the mask, where will you hide, can't find yourself, lost in your lies. I know the truth now. I know who you are. And I don't love you any more."_

It was over. She was going to find the real Hermione.

"_It never was and never will be you don't know you betrayed me and somehow you've got everybody fooled, never was and never will be you're not real and you cant save me and somehow now you're everybody's fool."_

"You sing well." Startled, she whirled round, looked around, then down to the floor. Draco was awake, and smiling at her.

"You heard that?"

"Yes."

"It made me realise."

"Realise what."

"It's time to find the real me. For real. I'm sick of living up to other people's expectations."

She looked back at herself in the mirror.

"You can't be perfect." She looked back at Draco.

"Trust me, I know." And she looked back in the mirror. She titled her head to the side as she looked at herself. She had always worn her hair down, big and bushy. In truth, she did it for protection. To hide herself. The only time she'd ever worn it nicely was to the Yule Ball. In truth, it hadn't taken hours to straighten it. Just a simple spell to tame it, because it wasn't naturally bushy. She cast a spell that summoned a hair tie out of no-where and put her hair into a ponytail.

"How did you do that?!" asked Draco.

"Do what?"

"Summon that hair band out of thin air!"

"Standard book of spells, level 7." She grinned.

He lifted an eyebrow but said no more. "You look good like that. You should wear it up more often."

"Hm, maybe."

"Hermione?"

"Yeah," she said, and sat down next to Draco.

"Will you go to the ball with me?"

* * *

Next chapter: Answer to the question. Hermione realises certain things. Was Ginny talking about Draco and Hermione? Review to find out.


	17. The Halloween Ball

This chapter is for ShadowM0rning.

---Previous Chapter---

"Hermione?"

"Yeah," she said, and sat down next to Draco.

"Will you go to the ball with me?"

---

The Halloween Ball

That definitely wasn't expected.

"Yeah, sure," she said, without even thinking about it.

He grinned at her, stood up and held a hand out for her. She took hold of it and he pulled her up. She couldn't help but giggle.

"Come on, let's get back to the common room," he said, and she followed him out of the Room of Requirement.

The trip back was a quiet one. Hermione couldn't stop thinking about Draco. He had only asked her to the ball as a friend, right? She remembered the day he had bought her out of the Empty World. He had said he loved her and couldn't lose her. But, it was just a friendly love, like Harry and Ron loved her, right?

Then why were her instincts telling her it was more? He seemed happy, really happy. He wasn't wearing the mask he usually wore.

Were Ginny and Lyssa actually talking about Draco? Was it so obvious he loved her to everyone but Hermione? But, Ginny had said that 'she loved him' too. But Hermione didn't love Draco. Did she?

He'd always been there for her, when she needed him. He was always there when she broke down crying. He brought her out of the Empty World. He stuck by her through everything.

This was stupid! They'd only known each other for a few weeks. Hermione cared about him, a lot. Come to think about it, she didn't know what she would do if she lost him. But...

What else was love about? Having someone who is always there for you? Someone you trust. Someone who cares about you as much as you do them. Someone who was there when you needed them. Someone who was an amazing friend. Someone who was more than a friend?

She was always very close to him. He hugged her a lot. He pulled her on his lap to hug her and she'd bury her head in his chest. Could she do that with Harry or Ron?

They had a connection. She knew that. She'd always known that even if she had only just realised it. Their childhoods had been so similar. He understood her. They could talk to each other, and have the other understand and help them through it.

She was bought out of her reverie when she saw a hand waved in front of her face.

"Hermione? You in there?" said Draco from in front of her. Some when, she had stopped.

He was grinning at her. He looked so... if she dare say it, cute. She stared into his eyes, trying to read him from within. All she saw was compassion, and ... love.

She could feel herself weakening. He was making her weak. He'd destroy her if he broke her heart. If she got her hopes up only to be laughed at... she couldn't have that. She wouldn't be able to get through that. She forced herself to look away.

She couldn't fall for him, not after everything that had happened.

And so she continued their walk back to the common room. In silence. Not looking at him.

But just his presence made her tingle.

She walked into the Gryffindor common room, ahead of Draco and made a beeline straight next to Ginny. Should she tell her? Would she understand? She wasn't in the position Hermione was in. She hadn't been through it.

Maybe she could tell Harry? He had been through a lot in his life. He and Ginny were together. Maybe he had felt the same when they had gotten together? Come to think of it, she didn't know how they had gotten together. And Hermione knew Ginny liked Harry even if she denied it.

She couldn't tell Ron, he wouldn't understand. And she hadn't known Lyssa long enough.

So, she was on her own. Again.

She looked at the clock. There was half an hour until dinner started. She needed to think.

"Guys, I think I'm gonna go and, um, clean up a bit for dinner, ok?"

They all nodded. Hermione walked up the stairs, not missing Lyssa's suspicious look.

She walked straight for her bed, and collapsed in it. She didn't know what to feel! Her heart was telling her to try it, but her head was telling her that she couldn't take the heartache if he said no.

She didn't even know if she liked him! It was just because Ginny and Lyssa's conversation had made her think. And then Draco asked her to the ball. She probably had the wrong of the stick!

The door opened, and she looked up to see Lyssa walking in. She smiled and walked straight over to Hermione's bed.

She raised an eyebrow. "I can read you like a book."

"That's great. Thanks." She smiled. "What do you mean, anyway?"

"I knew you weren't coming up here to get ready. You were trying to get away from us. So, what's up?"

"Nothing."

"Come on, tell me. What have you got to lose?"

"Everything?"

"Then you could gain everything. So, tell me. I promise I won't tell anyone else. And I promise you won't lose everything by telling me."

"That made no sense. You know what you and Ginny were talking about before you left the Room of Requirement earlier?"

"You heard that?" She nodded. "Yeah, ok, what about it?"

"Whom were you talking about?"

"Isn't that obvious?"

"Stop playing with me, just tell me."

"Ok. We were talking about you and Malfoy."

She slumped back onto the bed. "I knew it!"

"That's promising."

"This isn't funny! Do you really think he likes me?"

"Please. He spends his entire day staring at you like this." And she made a face, which Hermione assumed was a caricature as she was wide-eyed and practically drooling.

"Ok, whatever."

"No, I'm serious. You're so blind! Do you like him?"

"I don't know. I hadn't even thought about it until he asked me to the ball."

"He asked you?!? FINALLY. Did you say yes?"

"Yes..." she said slowly.

"YES!" she shrieked. "Finally!"

"You're not helping!"

"Oh, sorry. Well, how do you feel when you're around him?"

"Safe."

"What about when he looks at you?"

"I don't know!"

"Does he make your stomach churn? Do you feel weak when you stare at him? Does the prospect of being in his arms make you... I don't know... tingly inside, like butterflies?"

She nodded. That's exactly how she felt.

"Then I say, give it a go!"

"I can't. What if he doesn't like me? What if he hurts me? I can't take that."

"Firstly, you'll never know if you don't try it. Secondly, he does care about you, Hermione. You know he loves you. And he would never hurt you because he knows how you feel, and he knows that if he was hurt any more, he couldn't take it and so he knows you couldn't either."

"I can't. I hate to admit it, but I'm too insecure." She shrugged.

Lyssa just stared at her, thinking. Five minutes later, they walked back down to the common. She sat down in her favourite armchair by the fire, and opened her mind, if you like. Instead of looking at the common room from her eyes, through her problems.

Draco sat in an armchair also, just staring into the fire. It hit her with a jolt that she hadn't been there for him nearly half as much as he had for her. Draco had been through just as much as Hermione, hell, maybe even more, but Draco still had Hermione as his number one priority, almost. Draco must be a lot stronger than Hermione to be able to withstand all the pain, anger and hate that must be inside him, without so much as shedding a single tear. Well, he had, a few times, but he had never broken down. Draco, however, knew exactly what he was and had nothing to hide, unlike Hermione. She didn't think for a second that he was, in any way, over the terrible ordeal his life had been, but she knew that he wasn't confused at the same time. Not that it meant much, but part of why Hermione had broken down so many times was because she had to explain herself to her friends and had gotten caught up in those emotions.

She wondered exactly where Draco got his strength. He'd been practically disowned from a mentally, physically and sexually abusive family. Exactly where did he get the strength to trust someone like Hermione, who he had known for so little time? But, then again, she found herself trusting him. Even though the prospect of being alone was extremely daunting. She knew that trusting someone meant she had someone and when you have something, you can lose that something, and she couldn't loose the trust they had in each other, because trust meant so much to her.

Still confused, she looked around to Ginny, who was lying in Harry's arms, also staring into the fire; even though Ron and Harry were deeply engrossed in some conversation about green hats and yellow socks. Ginny had also been stronger than Hermione. Not once had she broken down, either, even though she had been put through the same hell as Hermione, probably at the same hands. Then it hit her. Had Percy been there? He can't have, can he? Because when Harry had blurted out the fact that Percy was a Death Eater, both Ginny and Ron had gone completely off their rockers. So, Hermione can't have been through what Ginny had been, or vice-versa. Exactly what Voldemort's intentions were, she didn't know, because she was positive that having your own brother rape you was a lot worse than even five Death Eaters. Hermione suddenly realised that her rape, at the hands of her own father, was completely different to the horror of what happened at Malfoy Manor.

But, then it really hit her. She felt as though she had been mentally slapped, and looked around the room to make sure no one had noticed. They hadn't.

Ginny had Harry, just as Harry had Ginny. Having someone like that, someone you trust and love with all your heart must be extremely comforting. Hermione found herself wondering exactly how many nights Ginny had spent in Harry's bed, each soothing the other to a peaceful sleep.

She still didn't know the truth about Lyssa, but Hermione knew that trust was involved in that story. Lyssa had to know she could trust them, and, quite frankly, Hermione was sure she didn't trust them. Part of Hermione was telling her that, maybe, Lyssa been through absolutely nothing. That the pained look that shadowed her features was purely to make them feel guilty and stop asking. Almost as though she was covering up a secret, but not a bad one. Hermione had learned to trust her instincts, and even though she hadn't thought about them lately, they were telling her Lyssa was in no way evil.

She was suddenly pulled out of her thoughts as someone shook her, and slowly they made their way down to dinner.

Hermione tried to act normal around Draco. But, every time she was near him she felt nervous. Even though she felt safe. She was so confused! Why couldn't her heart just tell her what it felt? She realised, with another annoying jolt, that she been in a world of her own a lot lately. She wondered if her mind was subconsciously protecting her from, well, herself. Having a lot of eyes on her made her feel extremely nervous, and sick.

So, she looked around herself. The halls were practically swarming with minors. Each of them grinning, laughing. She wished she could have such a carefree life. Not have to think constantly about her past, present and an extremely foreboding future with an extremely sadistic dark lord who had sworn all Muggleborns, Muggles and Half-Bloods dead, as well as blood traitors, and just traitors. Hell, would there even be anyone left if the git got his own way? He'd probably end up killing himself after trying to get even more power than what he already harboured.

Shaking her head, she continued to look around, and found to her complete and utter shock, or maybe not, that a hell of a lot of people were staring at them, glaring even. Glaring at Draco. She realised that it would always be that way. He was the son of Voldemort's right-hand man. He would always be thought of as evil, always be thought of as untrustworthy, and he'd always be mistreated, no matter what he did to prove himself. Draco was stronger than she thought. But, she guessed, he knew he was innocent, he knew they were all wrong and if he kept his heart and head filled with that thought, that he could just ignore it. But she didn't think she would even be able too. Just like Harry.

"Guilty by association."

That night, Hermione went to sleep so confused, she spent the night dreaming. About what, she wasn't sure. First she found herself walking up a large hill, but just as she got to the top, something pulled her back down again. She then found herself trying to climb a wall, but again, just as she got to the top, she was pulled back down. And more of the same, with the same patterns. She had no idea what these dreams symbolised, but she knew there was some hidden subconscious meaning to them. Or maybe she really was going crazy.

Either way, she wasn't happy with one of them, which had included Draco. She found herself reaching out to Draco, desperately trying to seek him, to touch him, for him to hold her and reassure her, but again, she was pulled out of his clutches, as much as they both struggled to stay together.

This succeeded in confusing her even more. What the hell did they symbolise? That she was trying to find something, deep inside her, that not even she knew about, but was repeatedly being pulled back? Like, how she had worked so hard for everything her whole life but lost everything in the end? Or was it some freaky way of divining the future? Was she actually going to fall in love with Draco, finally have him, but get pulled away at the last moment?

They then led onto more dreams about her father and Percy Weasley. Dreams which did not confuse her in the slightest. Dreams, which did not tell the future, or tell her some subconscious mush she couldn't understand.

No, something that would haunt her for the rest of her life, something that would bring horror to her mind, her heart, and she hearts of others when remembered. When considered. When dreamed.

The next day was spent doing homework underneath a tree on Hogwarts grounds. Hermione had had a particularly horrible night and was in a gruesome mood the next. Her feelings didn't help.

She was still so confused. She knew something had been sparked inside of her with what Ginny and Lyssa had said. She was so sure that her feelings were getting more intimate, but she couldn't help being reminded about her dreams.

What if they came true? What if she finally got hold of him, but was pulled away before anything could really happen? Because he could sooth her to sleep, comfort her after a reliving, or just be there for her, forever. Before, even, the first kiss.

That was, of course, if she got it. And, if she even wanted it. She didn't know. She hit her book she was reading against her head, but that only served to give her even more of a headache.

Draco and the others kept asking her what was up, but she just snapped at them that everything was fine, so in the end they stopped asking. Draco seemed to be around a lot, and was there to comfort her.

By lunch, she had come to two conclusions. Draco, and only Draco, had the power to pull Hermione out of a bad mood, as by the time she sat in the Great Hall, nibbling on a bread roll, she was happily laughing along with her best friends.

She also realised she was falling in love.

It wasn't just a silly schoolgirl crush either; it was real. She started getting butterflies whenever he touched her. And she kept getting lost in his eyes. They told so many stories, yet were so calm and reassuring. And loving.

But, she refused to believe he felt the same way she did. That was going too far.

This was also why she was so frustrated. She didn't want to be falling in love. It just meant she had more ways of getting hurt, and she just could not take getting hurt any more.

She didn't want to hurt anymore.

At about four o'clock, they all went to get dressed for the ball. It was starting at seven, with a feast. Lyssa demanded the boys get ready with the girls, but the girls got kicked out of the boy's dorm after about a minute so they decided to take their stuff up to the Room of Requirement.

Hermione was pretty sure that Lyssa just wanted to watch the process of the boys' transformations. Not that she admitted it, but Hermione was pretty sure Lyssa was eying Ron up once he was dressed in black cargo trousers and a semi-tight black t-shirt.

Lyssa had also demanded they dye their hair black, as they were dressing up as certain people, and those people had black hair. Hermione found that once their hair was dyed, they looked extremely pale, and gothic. Perfect.

Hermione, Lyssa and Ginny had also dyed their hair. Ginny was sporting black hair with red highlights, and Hermione had black hair with pink underneath.

Hermione and Ginny were both wearing rather short black skirts with fishnet tights and a black sleeveless top. They also wore about a thousand black bands, studded bracelets and sweatbands. Lyssa, however, was clad in black cargo bottoms with chains on each side, and a red belt with studs. She also wore the top Hermione had, but she wore a fishnet top underneath. She also had the bracelets, and a silver necklace that she wore, apparently, all the time. It had a ring, a dragon charm and a star on it. They each wore thick heeled knee-high boots with buckles that went all the way up the leg.

Harry was wearing a fishnet top and a pair of cargo pants that had chains just like Lyssa's hanging off them. His hair had been dyed to have red highlights, and he had a large skull necklace around his neck, as well as a few studded bracelets on his arms.

Draco was wearing the same trousers as Harry and the same top as Ron, except, ironically, it was more fitted so it showed of his surprisingly muscular chest and arms. This succeeded in making Hermione fancy Draco for his looks as well as his personality. She looked around to Lyssa, who was watching Ron closely, again. Hermione couldn't quite see what she saw in him, but when Hermione turned around to look, she noticed Ron too had a rather muscular chest and arms. Harry, too.

Wondering where they got them from, Hermione turned back to Lyssa to bring it up, but she was walking over to a back in the corner of the room. She pulled out a piece of paper, which turned out to be a poster of The Fixation. She was eyeing it closely, then looking around the room.

"Right, make-up."

"WHAT?"

"I am not wearing make-up!"

"There is no way in Hogwarts-hell I am wearing make-up."

"Tough, you have to. You only have to wear eye liner, and lipstick, but we can pass on the lipstick if you like." They gave in, in the end, and wore the eyeliner.

"Right, Hermione and Ginny, we have to wear make-up too. A bit more than the guys, but still. Hermione you are wearing black eyeliner with bright pink eyeliner on top, and Ginny the same but red. I'm just black all over." Hermione though this sounded like a particularly hideous nightmare, so she went to look at the poster and saw that it actually looked pretty cute.

Once they were all clad in make-up, clothes, and in the boy's case, black hair, they all took a look over themselves. Lyssa was still eyeing Ron more than Draco or Harry, so Hermione was sure she liked him. They all stood in front of the picture, which had been pinned on the wall.

"We haven't got black nails," said Ron.

"Oh my gosh! How could I forget?" exclaimed Lyssa, who then started fiddling in her bag. "I don't have any black nail-varnish though."

"What would we do without the old Hermione, hey?" asked Hermione, who knew just the right spell for this. "The only downside is that it lasts for 78 hours."

"I've always wanted to wear black nail varnish," shrugged Lyssa.

"Yeah, it does look pretty neat," said Ginny.

"Ok, then, I guess we'll do it then." Hermione was a bit reluctant, but did it never the less.

They then all turned around to the poster again.

"Hang on, our tops don't say the same theirs do. Like, his says 'the Fixation' and his says 'do I look like I care'?"

"So, we charm the tops?" said Ginny.

"Uh huh. Ok, anyone know how to make the words right?"

Hermione sighed. Again. And then worked her magic. They, again, for the last time, hopefully, turned back to the poster and stared at it. Hermione was pretty sure that everyone was wearing the correct clothing, their hair looked right and they were donning the right accessories.

"Hermione, could you straighten and lengthen you hair?" asked Lyssa.

"Uh huh. I don't know why I still make it look like this. Finite Incantartum." And her hair was a lot less bushy. They all stared at her in awe.

"Is that your normal hair?"

"Yep," she said as she cast another spell to straighten it.

"Why do you wear it so bushy then?"

"I used to hide behind it."

"You told us it took hours to get your hair like that!"

"Yeah, cause I knew that if I told you the truth you'd bug me about wearing it normal," she said absently as she made her hair longer.

"I never knew you could do that!" said Lyssa, who was eyeing Hermione's longer hair. "How long does the charm last?" asked Lyssa.

"It's really bad for your hair, lasts 24 hours and can only be done every 3,000 hours," she said, with a pointed look at Lyssa who looked far too hopeful.

She then looked disappointed. "What's the time?"

Hermione looked over to the clock on the wall. Six fifty five.

"We'd better go!" she cried.

So, they practically ran down the several flights of stairs it took. They slowed as they neared the entrance hall. People were starring at them, and whispering to each other. But, Hermione found she didn't care. Let them whisper, it wasn't as if they meant anything to her.

Hell, she was sure most of them were plotting, behind her back, of course, some evil way to get her and the others killed.

She was also sure she was extremely paranoid.

But she was also sure that had every right to be.

Hermione took a deep breath as they neared the Great Hall. She then cast an apprehensive look at Draco, who took hold of her hand and smiled reassuringly. As normal, her stomach went wild, but she felt safe as long as he was there.

So, together, they walked into the Great Hall.

* * *

About last chapter.... I knew I wasn't going to get 15 reviews. Do you think I'm stupid? LMAO. It would have been nice to know that many people were reading it, but I wont spoil the fic for the people who are nice enough to review.

SundayMorning: Ok. Second, that wasn't true for me. This fic was a way for me to express emotions I shouldn't hold. Third, lol my biggest fan shouldn't call me immature :)

Thankyou to everyone else who reviewed! You guys are the reason this fic is still going.


	18. Finally A Smile!

**Author's Note: This chapter didn't come out as I expected, nor did the end, but it worked so what the hell? **

**Author's Warning: Fluffyness. Eck, but hopefully you will feel it ;)**

**Author's Note 2: Can I just say how much your reviews help? The more reviews I get, the more I want to update! And it's the same for all authors; so if you want an author to update their story, REVIEW! Shouting helps... **

* * *

**Dedicated to 'angryFAN!!!'**

* * *

**Finally, a smile!**

"Mya," said Lyssa from behind, "do you know how cute your hair looks? You should keep it like that."

"Well, if someone invents a spell that can permanently dye your hair, I'll get back to you." They were currently walking up the Great Hall to the Gryffindor table, and the majority of the people were staring at them, as they were quite late.

They sat in the only free seats left, which just happened to be on the Slytherin side of the table. She noticed the Slytherins that she and the others had duelled with sat looking at them with smirks all over their faces. Hermione suddenly remembered that they had been knocked out. Exactly how they got back to full health so quickly was suspicious, but as to why no one had been disciplined for their wounds was beyond her. The only annoying thing was they knew exactly how to set Hermione off.

McGonagall tapped her spoon against her glass and every eye in hall moved to look at Dumbledore, who had stood.

"Welcome to the Halloween Feast and Late Night Ball. I do hope you all enjoy yourselves tonight. Please note that the ball does finish at twelve o'clock and any persons wandering the halls past this time will be disciplined. Enough talk, eat!"

She watched as Dumbledore picked up his menu, and then spoke from the list. People all around her followed his direction, and the food appeared on the table immediately. She ordered Roast Lamb and Potatoes. Hermione looked at it and was surprised when her stomach did not constrict at the smell of it. Instead, she felt hungry. Very hungry. This was no surprise seeing how she hadn't had a full meal in months. For dessert she chose chocolate cheesecake.

Everybody in the hall was bearing high spirits. Even Hermione was happier than she had been in a while. The night progressed easily into the ball, every single person in the hall cooperating with each other. There were no sarcastic, crude or mean comments towards anyone else, which meant no fights. The night was pleasant. It was like no other.

Was.

Hermione sat at a small rounded table - Dumbledore had banished the old tables and filled the room with small rounded ones - watching Harry and Ginny dancing. Ron and Lyssa were chatting merrily to each other, and Draco had gone to get them all drinks.

Getting slightly sick of Lyssa flirting with Ron, and watching all the happy couples dancing, Hermione made her way around the dance floor towards the drinks stand.

She saw Draco talking to Snape, quite discreetly, in the corner next to the stand. Snape said something and Draco turned around, grinned, waved her over, and then turned back to Snape. So, she decided to go over, even if she was on strange terms with Snape.

But before she could get close enough, Draco was walking towards her. She grinned at him, and at his own overly large smile.

"I thought you were getting drinks, Mr Malfoy." He looked confused for a while, but then realisation hit.

"Oh, no, well, yeah, but, no. I just wanted to go talk to S- Professor Snape, and thought I'd get some drinks seeing as I was over there." She raised an eyebrow, but didn't ask more.

They stood there for a few more seconds before Draco nervously asked, "Do you want to dance?"

She looked onto the dance floor, and watched the couples dancing. It was quite a slow song playing, which she thought she could handle better than actually having to dance in front of him.

She looked back to him and smiled, "Yes."

He took hold of her hand and pulled, or walked, her onto the dance floor. When he had found a comfortable spot, he pulled her in front of him and put his hands on each side of her waist. Almost feeling obliged, she wrapped her arms around neck, and leant her head against her shoulder. The warmth coming from within his t-shirt succeeded in not only calming Hermione, but sending her into some blissful alternate reality. Her mind drifted, to what she didn't know, to far places, before it was bought back with large thud and thunderous shock as Draco took hold of one of her hands, gently rubbing his thumb against it. He also pulled her closer. Closer, so that she felt far too many emotions at one time. There was shock, almost definitely. Peacefulness at feeling so safe. Happiness that she was so close to him. And worry, that he made her feel so weak. She felt so safe in his arms that all her defences broke down, and she knew she couldn't afford that, not right now. Even if it meant that Draco thought she was uncomfortable. She had stiffened incredibly in his arms, so he was tracing small circles, lines and what felt like numbers, on her back to calm her down. But, before she could bring back her defences, someone drawled from behind,

"Oh look, it's the traitor and his Mudblood whore." The last part was aimed directly at Hermione. It was Pansy, of course, and she had poked Hermione when she had said it. In the back. Right where the sons of... dogs, had scarred her.

The only incoherent words that her mind could form as the entire school, world, hell even the universe felt like it was caving in on her, were 'they know'. Before she could stop her self, her reflexes screamed at her that she needed out, _now_, and that she need air to be able to breathe, and so she ran out of the Great Hall, out of the main doors and out onto Hogwarts grounds.

It was a lot easier to breathe in the fresh air. The sudden feeling of claustrophobia was released instantly, as though it had been holding her prisoner. In all technicalities, it had.

She had thought she was over it. She had thought that she was over at least most of the torture her life had been, but when she was in the great hall, it had all come crashing down onto her. Shaking from the pressure, she fell to her knees, tears sliding down her face, credit to an unsuccessful effort to stop them.

She was surprised that what was going through her mind was so different than what she would have thought. The rapes should have been torturing her, weakening her to no end and then pushing her so far over the edge that she'd tried to kill herself. Which, had happened, but at the moment all she could think about was her parents, and the knot inside her stomach that wouldn't leave. The knot inside her stomach that was telling her how much she needed the love of a parent. The unconditional love that was supposed to be there for her when times were tough.

They were supposed to help her through this. She shouldn't be doing it by herself. Granted, she had her friends, but nothing could make up to the love of a parent. She had no one else, not like Harry had. He had had Sirius, but Hermione had no one. She thought she knew her mother had loved her, but she had never shown it in a way she should have. Her mother should have known about the abuse. She should have been able to read through her only daughter's façade. Her mother should have known her better than any other.

It suddenly hit her, that her father had hated her because she wasn't his, and that her mother probably knew this. Her mother had probably always expected her father to treat her poorly for the pure fact he was her blood. He was a freaking Death Eater after all!

And, quite annoyingly, and heart-breaking, she realised how psychologically messed up she really must be. She was extremely depressed before she even started school. Part of her knew that her father was capable of rape.

* * *

Flashback

* * *

_Hermione was in her room, reading Hogwarts, A History. She heard her father come home and yell to her. She got up briskly and ran down the stairs to find out what had happened, why he was yelling for her; he never yelled for her. Well, unless she was running from him. Her father was waiting for her at the bottom of the stairs; she saw the look on his face and started shaking. The fear in her grew tremendously as she got closer to his evil looking face. She knew what was coming, and she knew it was bad._

_"Yes, Father" she said, her voice shaking with fear. He grabbed her collar in pinned her up to the wall, strangling her with his grip._

_"Was this you?" shouted her father, holding up his coat that held a rather large rip in it._

_"No" she replied, growing more apprehensive by the second. She knew he would give any excuse to hurt her, and this was his favourite coat. _

_"Really, then why are you looking so guilty?" he chuckled evilly, letting go of her so she fell back to the stairs and then pulled her by her hair and pushed her to the floor. She fell with a large yell, hitting her back against the corner of a large wooden, rather pointy desk. She was crying. Crying with fear, and pain. _

_"Father! It wasn't me!" She cried, now rubbing her back, though the force of her hand just made the pain worse. _

_"Are you saying it was me?" He kicked her in the stomach. "Your mother certainly didn't do it" He kicked her again. Could he not see the pain she was in? "Then again, she'd probably love a reason for me to beat you up". She couldn't believe what she was hearing! Was he getting some kind of pleasure out her pain? What did her mother really know? Did she know? Did she really like to hear that her 'loving' husband was abusing her daughter? No, she can't..._

_"Your bluffing, she doesn't know what you do to me, what you do to your own daughter!" She replied, crying in pain. But she immediately knew that what she had said was the wrong thing to say in this situation. But, to her, it didn't matter; it was coming anyway. _

_"DON'T YOU DARE YELL AT ME! DON'T YOU TELL ME WHAT I DO KNOW AND DON'T KNOW. I KNOW MORE THAN YOU WILL EVER KNOW!" he yelled in her face and slapped her hard. She screamed and he laughed. She looked back at him laughing, getting pleasure out of her pain. She was shocked, he'd never laughed before now. She gave him a look of disgust. He saw this. He picked her up by her hair and threw her onto the couch next to them._

_Suddenly, there was a ding! at the door. Her father froze._

* * *

End flashback

* * *

She knew. A small part of her had subconsciously known that he would have done it, even though her mind and heart forced her to think otherwise.

'I know more than you will ever know', he had said. Well, that was true. He knew that her mother had known, the whole time. He had known all the secrets they were keeping from her. It all made sense now, his behaviour wasn't surprising. A Death Eater couldn't be expected to love her, even if she was his wife's daughter. And her mother had known that and she had never stopped him! Never ever tried to hold her and protect and reassure her! She had never been there for her.

The knot squirmed more. Maybe she never had been truly loved. Who would love their daughter if she had come from a man who had raped them? Even if it had been forced. How could someone bring themselves to love that sort of being?

But, that shouldn't matter. She was just an innocent little girl, who knew nothing, had done nothing and deserved so much more. So much better.

It had never really hit her before. Before now. She longed for that love. The love that should be unconditional, and would have saved her in many ways. But, now, she would always have a part of her missing. The pain was unbearable, worse than she had ever experienced before, and she fell to the floor, hugging her legs with uncontrollable sobs.

She didn't understand what had set off the memories, and the feelings, but it didn't matter.

* * *

_"In a moment, everything can change, feel the wind on your shoulder. For a minute, all the world can wait, let go of your yesterday. Can you hear it calling, can you hear it in your soul? Can you trust this longing, and take control? Fly, open up the part of you that wants to hide away, you can shine, forget about the reason why you cant in life and start to try, cause its your time, time to fly. All your worries, leave them somewhere else, find a dream you can follow. Reach for something, when there's nothing left, and the worlds feeling hollow. Can you hear it calling, can you feel it in your soul, can you trust this longing and take control? Fly, open up the part of you that wants to hide away, you can shine, forget about the reason why you cant in life and start to try, cause its your time, time to fly. And when your down, you feel alone, just wanna run away. Trust your self and don't give up, you know you better than anyone else. In a moment, everything can change, feel the wind on your shoulder, for a minute all the world can wait, let go of yesterday!"_

* * *

Then things got more complicated. Thoughts of Draco, thoughts of her friends and almost peculiarly, thoughts of trust. She didn't know if she would ever be able to trust anyone, other than Harry, Ron and Ginny. The three of them had stuck by Mya for five years. They had never hurt her, and she knew deep within her heart that they never would. And, Draco; as easy as it was for her to feel like she trusted him, she knew that she couldn't and that she wouldn't for a long time. She hardly knew him, and she was falling in love, but that didn't make all the shit he had put her through go away.

The thing she needed more than ever, was understanding. She just wanted someone that understood her to be by her side through thick and thin, and to help her sort out her mind, as it was so obviously messed up. It had been long before she had been kidnapped, maybe even long before she started Hogwarts. You don't just magically get over that sort of abuse and reject.

But all the shit that had happened before Hogwarts, had slowly died away. She had never had real friends, and now she had three of the best anyone could ask for. She could trust them. They were fun and they cared. Ron and Harry were her friends, she could have fun with them, and they would always cheer her up. Ginny was there to talk to, even if she didn't realise it. She would talk to her about how she felt without ever telling her why. And Ginny never asked. And that's all she had needed back then.

But now she needed more. She needed to fill the emptiness in her heart that was caused by her 'father'. She needed to feel that real love, not just friendship, which came with certain relationships. She could feel herself falling in love with Draco, and he was slowly filling that empty space, but until they were together - if, rather - it would always be a vacuum of what could have been.

And suddenly, even more emotions came over, and she felt purely hopeless. Like everything was falling down around her. Like she was drowning, and was losing all the energy to pull herself back up, and her safety was too far away to help.

More sobs racked her body as she let out cries filled with pain.

Her thoughts were interrupted when she felt somebody behind her. She didn't need to hear him, or look around, to know who it was. The person who sent shivers down her spine, made the butterflies spring to life in her stomach and made her head cloud up, was walking up to her.

He sat down behind her, and wrapped his arms around her waist. She leaned back against his chest and just cried. He gently rocked her, soothing her. She twisted so that she was sideways to him, her head lying on his shoulder, and her arms hugging his arms with all her might.

He started drawing circles, lines, and just random shapes on her back, which made her tingle, and successfully relax. She needed this, she needed him, but the fear of rejection was too high. She _couldn't_ make the first move. Just the thought of rejection from the person she loved caused her heart to contract. Apparently she had stiffened too, because Draco started whispering soothing noises in her ear.

After a long time, he finally spoke,

"Hermione?" She made a noise that resembled 'hm'. She was far to relaxed to even try to respond to that.

"My arm is going dead, and its about to fall off, you're not the lightest thing in the world," he said, sarcasm dripping from each and every corner, except one which was deadly serious. Exactly how many corners there are in a speech, is unknown, but that is besides the point.

Great, now she was getting sarcastic, a definite sign she was going crazy, and she still hadn't moved. So, she did. She sat up, turned around, folded her legs and stared at him. She had recently found that you could read someone by reading their eyes. Usually you just look at a person, to let them know you're listening, but she had recently found that if you _really_ looked into their eyes, you could see the emotions they felt.

Draco showed pain. That was obvious. He wasn't over what he had been through, just like she wasn't. He also showed that he was concerned about her, and that he was confused. And then she realised he was doing the exact same thing she was and so she quickly looked away.

* * *

_"How do I, get through a night without you? If I had to live without you, what kind of life would that be? Oh I, I need you in my arms, need you to hold. You're my world my heart my soul! If you ever leave, baby you would take away everything, good in my life. And tell me now; how do I live without you? I want to know. How do I breathe without you? If you ever go how do I ever, ever survive?"_

* * *

Draco placed a finger under her chin and pulled her face back up to look at him. Her stomach was twisting and fluttering something chronic, and her brain was clouded so much she felt impulse actions were going to break through. But she slammed them down. She couldn't do it. If he wanted it, he'd have to do it, as she was far too insecure to do it herself.

"Do you remember that day, when you were in the Empty World, and we sat in the boys Gryffindor rooms, on the window sill watching the sunset?" She nodded her affirmation. "And I said that I loved you?" She nodded again, hoping with all her heart this was going where she wanted it. "Do you believe that I do?"

"Yes. I can tell you care for me. You're always there when I need you." She smiled.

"And you?"

She couldn't answer that. She couldn't voice her fears, either; for fear that they would be used against her. She tried to throw all of the conflicting emotions into her eyes, so he would see and so he would know how she felt. But then, "I need you."

He smiled. One of the only general ones he had shown her. "Good, because I need you. I meant what I said, I'm nothing without you, Hermione. I need you more than you will ever know, but I hope that you feel the same way. You're the best friend I've ever had. Hell, the only one, truly."

Friend. The best _friend_. And her heart fell somewhere in the vicinity of her stomach. This was why she had never made the first move, because she knew she'd end up getting hurt. He thought of her as a friend, nothing more.

"Yeah, I do need you Draco. You're a great friend. I'll always be here for you, as long as you're-"

And he kissed her, cutting her off.

She sat in shock, her mind screaming that she had to do something but her body just would not move. After a few seconds, she started to melt into the kiss, kissing his bottom lip while he kissed her top. It was the best kiss she had ever had. He poured all the love he felt into it, and that love was returned. They parted, and she leaned her forehead against his, with the biggest grin on her face. Bigger than she had had in a long time. Her heart was temporarily rid of all the horrible emotions, just filled with love for the boy in front of her. Her stomach was fluttering even more than normal, and even though she felt horribly weak, she didn't care. She felt the love he had given, and she knew it was real.

"You were saying?" he asked. But she had no idea what she had been saying. All she could think about was that kiss.

"You are the only one with the power to surface my fears and use them to my advantage. Thank you."

He let out a small laugh. "When I told you I loved you, it was as more than a friend. I didn't realise until a few weeks back. But I do love you Hermione, more than anything."

"I love you too." She grinned.

"You do? Wow, I never thought -"and she repaid the favour and cut _him_ off with a kiss. This one more passionate than the first, but she poured everything she could into it. As the kiss deepened, Draco pushed her onto her back. He ran his tongue over her bottom lip, and she met it. They broke apart and just stared at each other. Each could see the love they shared for each other in the other's eyes. Draco's looked brighter than they had, ever; in all the time she had known him.

"How do you do it?" she asked. He raised an inquiring eyebrow. He was currently laying his side on the ground and his front on her, with an arm around her waist. "How did.... How could you kiss me like that? I've wanted this for a while now, but I couldn't bring myself to do it."

"Why not?"

She shrugged. "My past. It's made me insecure, and the fear of rejection was too high. I couldn't stand the thought of you rejecting me, 'cause it would have pushed me over the edge and... you know, been there, done that, didn't really enjoy it."

He giggled. Actually giggled. And she knew then that he was truly happy. And her heart squirmed in pleasure when she realised she was the cause. That _she_ had made someone else truly happy.

"I could see it in yours eyes. They were calling me." He said jokingly. She hit him playfully on the arm, which was returned. "I'm serious!" she laughed. "So was I!" and she hit him again, a bit harder, which caused him to lunge at her, making her scream with laughter as he tickled her profusely. She started hitting him, "Stop it, Draco!" she repeated, to no avail.

"Don't hit me ever again and then I'll stop." She could not promise that, so she changed the hand of power to hers, and started tickling him instead. He was obviously more ticklish than she was as he fell on her. She turned them round so she was on top, and tickled him in revenge. "Stop! Stop it." He said between breaths.

"Apologise!"

"I'm sorry! Sorry sorry sorry please stop!" he cried. She grinned and let him go. Still sat on his waist, she leaned down to kiss him on the nose, and then just stared at him.

In her defence, she hadn't fallen for him because of his body; but that body _was_ extremely pretty. The top he was wearing highlighted all of his muscles, and she just stared down at them appreciatively. When the time came, she knew she would enjoy those.

"Are you going to get off me? Or do I have to start tickling you again?" She removed herself from him, sitting restlessly, waiting for him to get up. She didn't like the break in contact very much. She wanted to be in his arms, where she felt so safe.

He sat up, folded his legs and stared at her.

"I can't believe you did that! How did you know I was so ticklish? I shouldn't have -"he cut her off with a kiss. She fell into it before she realised she had been berating him. "Don't think that you kissing-"he cut her off again. This time it was harder to pull back, but she did. "-that you kissing me is going to get you off the hook. You will pay-"and he cut her off again, and this time she didn't pull away. The kiss lasted about a minute before they broke apart, breathing heavily.

She narrowed her eyes thoughtfully, before crawling on top of him, a position that was well known between the two, and just hugged him. He replicated the cuddle, and she just sat there for what felt like hours but in reality was only minutes.

"Don't hurt me." She finally choked out.

She could feel him shake his head. She moved to look at him, but he caught her lips in the softest kiss she had ever felt. Lightly touching her lips with his own, before replying,

"Never."

* * *

_"I woke up this morning with a smile on my face, and nobody's gonna bring me down today. Been feeling like nothing's been going my way lately, but I decided right here, right now, that my outlook's gonna change. That's why I'm gonna say goodbye to all the tears I've cried everytime somebody hurt my pride, feeling like they wont let me live life, and take the time to looks at what is mine._

_"I believe they can take anything from me, but they cant succeed in taking my inner peace from me, they can say all they wanna say about me but I'm gonna carry on._

_"I never wanna dwell on the pain again, there's no use in reliving how I hurt back then. Remembering too well the hell I felt when I was running out of faith. Every step I'm about take well its towards a better day, cause I'm bout to say farewell to every single lie and all the fears I've held too long inside. Every time I felt I couldn't try, all the negativity and strife. Cause too long I've been struggling, couldn't go on, but now I've found I'm feeling strong and I'm moving on._

_"Every time I tried to be what they wanted from me, it never came naturally, so it ended in misery. Was unable to see all the good around me, wasting so much energy on what they thought of me than simply just remembering to breathe._

_"I believe they can take anything from me, but they, cant succeed in taking me inner peace from me, they can say all they wanna say about me but I'm gone carry on."_

* * *

**The End.**

* * *

Author's Note: I hope you enjoyed this. I want to say a few things about this, and what made me write it.

As it says in my profile, I wrote this because A) I had read so many fics, and B) I have seen so much and read so much and been through certain stuff that the stuff I was feeling needed to have an outlet. I have to admit that I had expected people to flame me after I had Hermione's father rape her. I guess that means that people know that this does happen. I'm still not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

There is a lot more to where a lot of the other things came from. At the beginning I was extremely tempted to let me flow into Hermione, but I knew I couldn't do that, so I made a new character ;)

I'm sure none of you even noticed my subtle hints towards things. Like why each of the 5, except Ron, were attacked by Voldemort in some way. Why Hermione could speak Latin. How she managed to throw Pansy so far with WANDLESS MAGIC. Exactly why Hermione felt the pull towards Draco and why her feelings went from hate to love so quickly. I have to beg to differ when people say that there is a thin line between love and hate, especially the kind between Mya and Draco. And, I want to hear some questions about Lyssa!!!!!

Anyways, most of that will be covered in the sequel. I'm planning to make it readable-alone, as I doubt a lot of people will want to read this fic. I'm also going to up the rating to R, now. Also also I will be writing another fic, which will probably come before the sequel to this. It is called "Harry Potter and the Torch of Green Flame" and it should be HP/SS and a 'back to the past' fic. I hope to make it good, and interesting, and it's going to be something I've never read before.

Basically, I need a beta who is willing to help me figure stuff out, is willing to read sometimes long chapters and can beta-read the chapter as soon as I send it. AND this fic will be LONG. It wont even go to the past until after a few chappies, prob 10, and it will spend 2 years back there, so I'm guessing you can see it now? No? Oh well. If you're interested, please contact me.

You know, I'm so happy right now? Ever since I started writing this I vowed to use Christina Aguilera's 'Keep on Singing my Song'. To me, the lyrics fit in so well.

Anyways, comments are much appreciated and thanks to all those who have stuck by me.

* * *

AngryFAN: Thanks for the flame... made me get my butt moving. And thanks to everyone else who shouted at me to get moving... really does help when I get hysterical people reviewing like that!

Fan: you think Lyssa is too fluffy? Ha, cool. And about the causing Hermione more pain... er... sorry.

maddie (madrigal)/Skye : I suppose it's good to hear you do have another life... cause I don't! you cant big me enough about updating! Seriously, its your reviews who make me update!

Bledding black rose: I guess you like their outfits?

And thankyou to all the other nice people who reviewed!

* * *

There will only be one more chapter to this... an epilogue!!! It's the epilogue and prologue to the sequel to this, so it will give you a taster of what will be in the sequel.

THANKYOU!

Kelei


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